Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

[Derbee]

It was made clear that there was a sofa bed for someone to have to sleep on. I’d say it’s pretty obvious that the last person to arrive is likely to have to sleep on it

[ThisShitsBananas]

I think yabu for arriving a day late but expecting your pic of the beds. It’s was obvious you’d be on the sofa. I can see why she’s upset about you leaving but she’s being over dramatic by making such a big deal of it.

[Whitepouringglue]

Was there no other room in the same hotel?

Why didn't you text her when you decided to leave the hotel?

Who did you assume would get the sofa bed? You must have known it would be going to someone. Why not you?

She's being very unreasonable and rude. I would not be having a conversation about it.

[Alvinne]

She did mention the sofa bed at the point of booking, so I think YABU to have not clarified at that point what the sleeping arrangements would be. Sofa bed in a communal area would be my idea of hell too, so this would have rung alarm bells for me and I'd make it clear at the point of paying what my expectations are. However, YANBU to be miffed at her response to the situation, you don't seem to have inconvenienced her and un-inviting you from the party feels very petty. I'd be questioning the friendship and definitely returning the gift.

[HideousKinky]

You dealt with the situation in the most gracious way - just booking alternative accommodation, without fuss. Her reaction is baffling

[Oblomov22]

Blimey, what a bitch.

[Whitepouringglue]

I do think it's odd you expected someone to sleep in a sofa bed leaving an empty bed for a night. That part seems entitled unless there's more to the story? Is there a poorer friend that you were expecting to be lumped with it for a lower cost? Or someone less important to BG?

[Brookland]

Your friend sounds awful. How ungrateful and immature of her to treat you and your friend so poorly.

[VeridicalVagabond]

What a B!

Honestly I think it's cheeky expecting people to pay their own way at all on a destination birthday anyway, when I had my birthday abroad I paid for everyone I invited. She's no right to be snitty when you paid an equal share of that villa and were expected to kip on the couch! If she wanted everyone together she should've booked somewhere bigger.

[okytdvhuoo]

She’s fucking unreasonable and a massive child.

Only thing I would say is you should prob have texted her straight away to let her know you were going to sort alternative accommodation with beds.

Did you let on to the others that you were a bit annoyed by the sofa situ? Could they have given the impression you were pissed off with her and flounced?

Being generous, maybe she felt like you were annoyed and it had dampened the vibe with the group or something.

As you’ve presented it though, she does SU, and YANBU.

[QuestionableMouse]

She's been a wally and needs to get a grip!

[billy1966]

Such appalling behaviour.

Is this really the first time she has shown signs of being a selfish cow?

No way would I move on.
CF to suggest it.

Return the gift, enjoy yourselves and don't bother with her again.

Life is too short for this type of silliness.

[GrandTheftWalrus]

My work tried to do something similar to me and dh when we were working away. We were expected to sleep on the double sofa bed in the living room of the airbnb while the other 2 workmates shared a room (1 female and 1 gay man) I refused as I wanted privacy and not having to wait till everyone went to bed. So it ended up me and dh in 1 bedroom, the female in the other bedroom and the man in the living room. This suited everyone apart from our manager who tried to insist we slept in the living room. Just so he could have a room to himself. He ended up getting work to give him another hotel and then acted like a dick towards us for the next 2 weeks. Luckily I've now left that job and don't need to see him again.

[PinkHeadphones]

Isn’t it obvious that he last person to get there is going to get the sofa bed? I’m certainly not so selfless that if I was one of the other guests I would be going “ooh no, I couldn’t possibly take the twin room, I’ll take the worst bed in the house so someone who isn’t here yet and I don’t really know isn’t put out.” Nope, I’d have my suitcase on one of those twin beds in a flash.

[latetothefisting]

I can sort of see her point IF you had arrived annoyed and/or asked her for your money back before booking the new place - from her pov she told you the available accommodation for you and 2 others was 2 twin beds and 1 sofa bed - I would therefore assume there was a good chance (33% at least!) that I'd be on the sofa bed. If that was going to be an issue I'd have (and have done in the past in a similar situation) gone back to her at that point and said "do you mind if I don't have the sofa bed for x y z reasons".

If you didn't then there's no reason she should assume you wouldn't be fine with it. If you were all paying the same there's no reason why you should be more entitled to one of the twin beds than any of the other 2 people that those 3 beds were allocated to, and honestly it makes perfect sense for the person not staying the whole time to have the sofa bed - it would have been silly to leave one of the twin beds empty for you when you weren't even there the first night.

So from her pov she's invited you to her celebration and even let you bring a friend. You arrive a day late, decide the accommodation wasn't good enough despite previously agreeing to it, and then created drama by moving out, and taking your friend with you (I know it was his idea not yours but again just trying to explain her version of events, as even if you weren't moaning it would have been obvious you were explaining to him why you weren't staying, your plan etc.)
Being completely honest I might have eyerolled a bit at you at this point but then got on with the holiday.

Saying all that- given that you'd happily agreed to sort yourself out and didn't expect any money back then I personally agree with your view that you haven't put anyone else out and in fact they have benefitted from you sleeping elsewhere so agree she is being completely OTT with the disinviting you, saying you need to talk about it when you get home etc.

[xogossipgirlxo]

Do you really need such friend in your life? You booked your annual leave, spent your money on the flight, gift (I guess), covered all the expenses while you could have used this money and time on something/someone else. In return you can kiss her ass, because she's "angry and upset". Ditch this princess.

[TangoWhiskyAlphaTango]

YABU re the sofa bed unless you specifically made it clear you having it was a deal breaker? There is no way I would want to spend my holiday on a sofa bed either so I do understand where you are coming from but you should have made it very clear.

YANBU to be hugely offended at her attitude and dismissal from the birthday celebrations, she is rude and mean and I would no longer consider her a friend of any kind.

[okytdvhuoo]

@Derbee

It was made clear that there was a sofa bed for someone to have to sleep on. I’d say it’s pretty obvious that the last person to arrive is likely to have to sleep on it

That’s a fair point if you’re getting there the day after everyone else.

I think the friend should in hindsight have been more thoughtful about the sofa situ – letting the person who was getting the sofa know in advance and giving them the option to sort an alternative if they preferred. It seems pretty obvious that no-one’s really gonna want a sofa bed in a communal area on a party holiday (with people you don’t know!), and least of all the non-drinker of the group.

[TabithaTittlemouse]

A destination birthday?

[Redrry]

@PinkHeadphones

Isn’t it obvious that he last person to get there is going to get the sofa bed? I’m certainly not so selfless that if I was one of the other guests I would be going “ooh no, I couldn’t possibly take the twin room, I’ll take the worst bed in the house so someone who isn’t here yet and I don’t really know isn’t put out.” Nope, I’d have my suitcase on one of those twin beds in a flash.

🤣

[ChicCroissant]

I wouldn't have expected the twin room to be available if you arrived a day after everyone else tbh, especially as they all work together and you've said F would be sleeping elsewhere so I think that was pretty clear tbh. Were you expecting to share a room with one of the BG work colleagues?

Her (BG) reaction is hard to fathom, did you say anything to the group when you got there?

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Surely you didn't expect the twin room, knowing F was in a dorm so there was only one of you? I'd have expected the sofa bed. And how unhappy were you - how did you react? Were others there (the people who let you in) and did it make them feel awkward?

honestly yes, I expected to be in the twin. I just assumed that the sofa bed is so crap in comparison that whoever got it would get a fair warning in advance. Especially as the three of us (in twin and on sofa) paid an equal share. I would have had no problem just booking a separate room if I’d have known. As I said, it was a miscommunication about the sleeping arrangements, and I’m prepared to admit that i should have clarified things better before arriving.

Fair point about my reaction - I was visibly disappointed. I’m 8 weeks pregnant which no one knows except for F and I was dead tired. All I wanted to do was dump my stuff down and have a nap after travelling. When I saw it was impossible because everyone was hanging around the communal area I felt like bursting into tears. But I didn’t. I just messaged F discreetly that I wanted to find a proper room. We were friendly to everyone there and made plans to meet up later and left on a positive note.

[Gazelda]

You got there a day later than everyone else. I presume she knew that was your plan.

But regardless, I'd have expected to be allocated the sofa bed in your situation. The alternative would have been for someone to sleep on it last night while there was a bed available in the twin room. Or swapped from the bed to sofa today.

You didn't like the bed allocation when you arrived. People who you hardly knew where there at the time and might have reported back that you made a bit of a fuss about it. That you flounced to somewhere else and that F went too.

You booked somewhere else and left without notice. You didn't call her to discuss or even to tell her that was your plan. She must have felt embarrassed when she got back to villa and her friends told her what had happened.

She's over reacted. She's obviously a bit of an attention seeker to have a destination birthday. But you have to accept your role in this fallout.

I hope you manage to salvage a pleasant trip either with F or, preferably, with the wider group once you've all calmed down.

[Bingobangodrinkacanoftango]

I think she is being a massive twat, it’s ok to enjoy your birthday as an adult but this is extreme.

I’m confused as to how you didn’t guess you’d get stuck with the sofa bed knowing someone likely would, particularly if everyone else had already been there a day. I’d assume crappiest sleeping option would end up being for the last person to arrive.

[SapphosRock]

Yea she is being U.

However sorting all this stuff is stressful.

I imagine from her point of view she'd said the sofa may be a possibility, you hadn't said anything at the time, some people already at the villa chose the room over the sofa (obviously).

You then turn up a day late and expect there to be a room saved and ready for you so you can have some nice naps in the afternoon and some early nights. Sounds like your expectations were also a little high.