Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

[arebee]

I think she did have a bit of an oversight not having enough beds for everyone. Unless you're all 18 living the party life it's just not ok, but if it was known in advance and you all agreed to it then it's tricky to be too pissed about getting it.

The whole not wanting to talk about it at the time is complete BS too. If she actually valued her friendship she would want it resolved else it would be eating her up all weekend. Clearly she isn't that bothered about upsetting you!

Either way, have a quiet word with her when the time is right about the pregnancy and explain that is why you wanted the space. I'm sure she will understand, but as others have said she isn't a mind reader so don't expect her to feel too guilty for not giving you your own room.

[Anon778833]

@fuckinghorgel

Sorry op, I agree with this. Isn't it obvious what whoever got there last was going to get the sofa?

If it was a dealbreaker for you you should have said so before the trip.

Why should she have said so? The OP already said that it wasn’t clear before arrival that she might have to wait for everyone to go to bed before she could sleep.

[Namechangeforthis88]

See, when you say "The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind." I'm seeing the possibility that the gang that know each other well already have possibility not gone out of their way to paint a great picture to BG about what happened. Possibility because of their guilt that you're stuck with the sofa bed. Just wonder if they have fanned the flames so they get the accommodation to themselves with out any interlopers.

[suzyscat]

YANBU but as pp's have said, it should have been obvious that as the last to arrive you'd be lumped with the sofa bed, especially in a group of people who hardly knew you.

IME emotions are heightened on holiday and things are easily blown out of proportion.

[teezletangler]

Another vote for you're both at fault, but perhaps you a little bit more so.

The entire premise of a destination birthday is ridiculous, and her reaction was a bit OTT, but you should not have handled the situation the way you did. Let's be honest, you arrived a day late so of course you would have the sofa bed - which you knew about in advance- and then you flounced before even discussing the situation with her. That's really rude and I'd have been hurt and upset in her shoes.

[MsGrahamCheese]

@CrapBucket

Surely you didn't expect the twin room, knowing F was in a dorm so there was only one of you? I'd have expected the sofa bed. And how unhappy were you - how did you react? Were others there (the people who let you in) and did it make them feel awkward?

Yeah, this. You're both unreasonable- her perhaps more so, but you both sound a bit like drama llamas to me.

If you had such strong requirements for sleeping arrangements then you should have sorted this clearly before agreeing to go, so the situation is on you.

[okytdvhuoo]

@NotWelcomeAtParties

On a separate note I am intrigued about you going on holiday with F (male) who isn't the father of your baby? What's the deal there?

LOL.

My male friend is gay. We travel together all the time and DH is fine with that.

Even if he wasn’t gay people do have opposite sex friends!! 🙈🙄

[ArcaneWireless]

Miscommunication and misunderstandings. A solution not affecting anyone else was found. Happy days. All easily resolved with a grown up.

Disinviting you both from the party is tantrummy and princessy. And I’m afraid after the effort you both have made to get there, I’d be taking a big step back from this friendship.

You sound closer to F. Nurture that friendship. Make a mini break of it. Have a lovely time. And disengage from the drama.

Congratulations on the little one.

[WaltzingWaters]

As others have said, you definitely should have clarified the sleeping arrangements beforehand, especially as you feel so strongly about not being on the sofa bed. And really whoever was stuck with the sofa bed should have paid less.

But BG is being completely ridiculous and a completely selfish, entitled princess to now say you’re not invited when you and F have put so much money and effort into travelling all the way to the south of France for her birthday! Forget about her, refund/sell her present and use that money to treat yourselves to a lovely meal.

[aSofaNearYou]

Wow. If people have splashed out to go abroad for your birthday you should be extremely bloody gracious, I think this is pretty shocking from her.

[Onlyforcake]

Fuck that. Everyone is obviously there and subject to the snap of her fingers. Wow. I'd take time to relax with F, cease messages to and fro (I'd send 'enjoy your magical day' and then go radio silence). Make the most of your holiday time, avoiding a group shouldn't be too hard (she sounds the sort to be posting every slight breath onto some tiresome SM anyway).
Controlling uncompromising attitude - she'd not hear one more word from me again.

[5128gap]

If I were you, arriving a day late after everyone was settled and spending fewer nights there than the others, I'd have expected the sofa bed.
BG wasn't there, so only has a second hand account of how you reacted. You admit your feelings were obvious and you were showing them in front of the people you obviously thought should be on the sofa in your place.
I'd imagine they were quite embarrassed by it, and have no doubt had a little chat with BG along the lines of 'It was so awkward, she obviously thought we should give her our room...' which makes it look like you're causing hassle with her friends on her birthday trip.
If she's the sort to have a 'destination birthday' she's probably the sort to want everything 'perfect and special' and thinks you should have put her birthday first.
So, I think you are both unreasonable. You should have expected the sofa, or at least have handled it better by talking to her about why it wouldnt work for you. She shouldn't be so precious and certainly shouldn't have uninvited you. That last act on her part puts her entirely in the wrong, and I'd struggle to get past that.

[Hardbackwriter]

@RoachTheHorse

I'd I was going to an abroad destination birthday and we'd booked a villa I would expect a bed per person not a sofa bed. Do some of you seriously think anyone would think otherwise?

The friend made it very clear someone was sleeping on a sofa bed.

I imagine the norms around this vary by friendship group and how much money you all have. I don't think I went on a single holiday with friends in my 20s where there weren't people sharing beds and sleeping on sofa beds. Some people on the thread seem to expect they'd have their own room on a group holiday, but even now in our late 30s with more money we don't do that so it wouldn't be my expectation at all.

[BiscuitLover3678]

I’m sorry but she’s being an absolute prick. Why on earth does she care? You’ve made so much effort. I wouldn’t go all the way for a destination birthday in the first place so you’ve done a lot.

[Talia99]

You knew a sofa bed was one of the options - I think if you had an issue with it being ‘first come, first served’, the time to mention it was when you were first told about it, not going off in a strop because you assumed someone else (who must also have paid ‘an equal share’ or you would have been asked to pay more) would get stuck with it despite there being nothing to suggest the twin beds had been assigned to a particular person.

Having said that, you’ve been dramatic and she’s escalated the drama. Friends often have a lot in common I guess.

[okytdvhuoo]

@Namechangeforthis88

See, when you say "The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind." I'm seeing the possibility that the gang that know each other well already have possibility not gone out of their way to paint a great picture to BG about what happened. Possibility because of their guilt that you're stuck with the sofa bed. Just wonder if they have fanned the flames so they get the accommodation to themselves with out any interlopers.

Yeah I can imagine them being ‘polite’ about it (especially as work colleagues), but giving off 😬 ‘that was a bit awkward’ vibes.

[xogossipgirlxo]

@latetothefisting

Um...have you heard the mn saying "it's an invite not a summons!"
Op made it clear she was happy to have been invited on the holiday and wasn't attending under any sort of pressure or guilt trip!

I don't get this mn rationale that any holidays booked with anyone outside your immediate family are you doing someone else a huge favour by honouring them with your presence - whatever the reason for a holiday - a birthday, hen party etc. - it's still a holiday and therefore spending money and annual leave on it is completely normal and hardly putting yourself out unreasonably!

If I'm invited somewhere and don't want to go I say no, if I do want to go, then I go and have fun but don't act like I'm only there as a favour!

Still, you have to stick to the place and date someone else chose. Are you the BG perhaps that you are so offensive? She acted like shit by excluding her from the party just because she booked room somewhere else.

[itsgettingweird]

You did a sensible thing and sorted accommodation you are happy with. No fuss.

And she's having a temper tantrum about it.

Please tell me this is her 5th birthday party?

[Kissingfrogs25]

It is shoddy behaviour to not book enough actual beds for the guests invited! Who does that?
I would never ever treat my friends so badly when they have already paid out so much for my benefit !! 😱
Its good she paid you back.
I would send her one last message.
‘We have a lovely birthday gift for you and we have flown to be here with you. It’s a misunderstanding. Let’s just put it behind us and enjoy your birthday!’

If she is still intent on continuing without I’d go out with F and make the most of the break and move on.

[BiscuitLover3678]

I’d say “I’m really sorry to see you’re upset. We were really looking forward to spending your birthday with you and have come all this way! As you know I am teetotal and struggle to sleep not in a bed so it’s easier if I book somewhere else but I can be with you for all the fun. I genuinely did not think this would be an issue. I’m very sad to miss out but it’s your party and your choice.”

Id then go and have a nice time with F. Honestly no way would I want to spend time with her after all that.

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Fair point to everyone saying I should have expected to get the sofa as I arrived late.

TBH I actually forgot there was a sofa bed for one of the guests and only realised when I arrived - then went back through my messages and saw that BG had mentioned it months ago, I suppose at the time I had assumed we would sort the sleeping arrangements out closer to the date and then promptly forgot about the sofa question until now. That’s on me! I should have sought proper clarification beforehand.

I certainly don’t think I deserved the twin room over any other guest!

But I do think that my solution (just booking another room elsewhere without making a fuss) did not warrant a disinvitation to the party!

[BigglyBee]

In very early pregnancy, I had horrible lower back pain and was a blubbering, snotty mess at the most ridiculous things. So a sofa bed would have been out of the question and I really needed my naps!

Given your pregnancy and the secrecy around it (which I understand), I don't think that now is the time to try to sort this out. Early pregnancy isn't a time which is renowned for its logical, calm thinking! Either quietly enjoy the time with your friend, or go home. It might have been sensible to either tell BG once you know you were pregnant, or to pull out of the holiday, but neither of those are guaranteed to be drama-free options, and at the moment it doesn't really matter what you should have done, only how you go on from here.

Later you can think about what you want to do- is it worth patching this up? Have you the emotional energy to deal with this, as well as pregnancy and the early days with a newborn baby?

[Adelais]

It should have been decided who was sleeping on the sofa bed before the holiday. I think your both at fault for not making it clear as it does make sense that the last person there gets the sofa bed. It doesn’t seem fair that you all paid an equal amount as I think whoever gets the sofa bed should pay less.

Your friend is being totally unreasonable for uninviting you to the party though!

[luxxlisbon]

Honestly the comments clogging up threads like this because ‘in the real world ‘ people don’t go on birthday holidays actually get annoying.
Who cares if you wouldn’t go abroad for a birthday, or with friend, or for a wedding?? It’s not the point of the thread, OP was invited to join in on a trip and pay for herself (totally normal) and could choose to attend or not attend. She wanted to go!
Many normal people do go abroad or to a cottage or whatever for a variety of celebratory reasons. There is nothing ‘not normal’ about it.
If you wouldn’t, then don’t.

[ColouringPencils]

You were a bit silly to assume you wouldn't get the sofa bed, esp as the two in the twin room know each other better. And then to disappear and book a different hotel without even bothering to explain or say hello. It's probably because you are pregnant, tired and emotional, but nobody knows that. So she is obviously being unreasonable and I can't believe she has uninvited you to the party, but you were unreasonable first and I think you should explain.