Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Have I got this right, you paid equal amounts for the villa even though BG and partner had the master room, another couple had the twin and you got the sofa bed? Was it split 5 ways? If so, I don't know any other way it would have been fair for you to have a twin room on your own but maybe I'm missing something. Sounds like it was a case of bagsie first.
However, you didn't kick up a fuss, made your own arrangements and were quite happy to meet up. BG is being very unreasonable to dismiss you when you've come all that way. Could you explain your pregnancy and hence the need for an actual room, this may calm her down a bit? Is it too late now?

@NotWelcomeAtParties But I do think that my solution (just booking another room elsewhere without making a fuss) did not warrant a disinvitation to the party!

It doesn’t, but you had a hot headed reaction and then so did your friend. To your friend it looked like you bailed on herD took your friend with you, made your own plans and didn’t even bother to update BG. She probably took it as you not wanting be be involved.
You were both wrong.

I think you were unreasonable not to take the sofa to be honest especially as you were arriving later than everyone else you must have known that would likely happen? Why would you expect the two other guests to ignore the free twin bedroom when they were there first and take a sofa between two of them when there was only one of you left to arrive? Surely you could have arranged to leave your belongings in one of their rooms. I've done this on holidays before being teetotal also and I'd have made the best of it for BGs sake. I would also be curious how you put your decision across that you were going to stay elsewhere or if the people who let you in got a bad impression of you as a result which was then passed on to bg. I would try to ring her and apologise if it came across rude that you decided not to stay with them, that you really want to celebrate with her and be involved in everything happening. If she still says no then I'd take it that its your holiday to do what you want with and leave her gift with someone else to give to her on your behalf. But I think you've upset her by your reaction to the lack of room and disappearing without speaking to her first.

I’ve just been away for the weekend to a European island for a birthday & what you suggested sounded perfect. You can still use the villa & doesn’t seem much different to those staying in the dorm. Your resolution had no impact on her or the party, I don’t get her problem! Enjoy your weekend & at Least you know her friendship isn’t worth it,

How does first trimester tiredness and morning sickness work with a sofa bed, in the communal area of a villa shared with strangers? How were you supposed to get ready in the morning? I think you did the right thing by booking a b&b. Enjoy your weekend and don't worry about brithdayzilla. She obviously won't know you are pregnant for another 4 weeks, and I imagine when she finds out she will completely understand. Hopefully not too much damage would have been done to the friendship.

Destination birthdays are a thing now?

Anyone who does this is already ringing alarm bells for being incredibly self centred in my book.

I think you have to take some blame

You knew there was a sofa bed. Someone had to sleep on it. You were the last one there so likely it would be you. I think you should have said you weren't happy to sleep on it at time of booking. Then you book somewhere else without even speaking to the bride, it reads a bit like you threw a tantrum when you found out you were on the sofa bed

I don't think either of your behaviour has been exemplary.

Your solution was good but the problem was that BG saw a different picture. You gave her a reason to be upset, she overreacted in response from your pov but she probably got some “extra details” from her colleagues. It was rude of you not to explain her the situation straight away by txting or calling BEFORE leaving.

Destination birthdays and then uninviting your guests, because you had minor fall out.

Not bride sorry birthday girl!

So all the other guests know each other, but you still thought one of them should have left a bed empty and slept on the couch so you could arrive a day later and share a room with someone who doesn't know you? Then, instead of discussing it with your friend when she got back and maybe swapping with someone, you went on a huff and buggered off to another accommodation.

If you are too good for the sofa bed, why did you not mention it back when you all were told someone would be on it?

I think you were the one being a princess here.

This 100 per cent.
You are as much to blame as she is.

Have I got this right, you paid equal amounts for the villa even though BG and partner had the master room, another couple had the twin and you got the sofa bed?

BG and her partner paid a bit extra on account of the master bedroom with en-suite, and for the rest of us it was divided equally three ways

I think you may not have come across well and that is what has caused the problem. I dont blame you for being unhappy with the sofa bed, but it's entirety on you to not have scrolled back and checked what was said about sleeping arrangements. When you turned up and realised it perhaps came across as sullen, then you disappeared off to find a new room. In your mind, quietly sorting the issue (I don't disagree) but could equally be perceived as flouncing off in a huff. Sucking up your feelings until BF got back and then having a quiet and apologetc word about booking another room would have been better.

That said, she hasn't been very gracious or a good host. I think she is disappointed, just as you were, and neither have communicated your disappointment well. I would decide how important salvaging this friendship is to you and then respond accordingly.

It sounds very stressful though, especially when pregnant.

She's massively overreacted to you making alternative arrangements for accommodation, but you were unreasonable to think that you were going to end up with anything other than the sofabed in these circumstances. She can't be blamed for you not having remembered the messages properly.

Please do not bother!!!!!

I think, under the circumstances, you were trying to be non-disruptive by just finding a more suitable room for you and your friend without raising a fuss.

I would tell you friend you realised you couldn't cope with it because you're absolutely shattered, won't be drinking, and will need a bit more sleep than the sofa couch would have allowed ... because you're pregnant. Which you were trying to keep low key because it's early days, but you feel like she's put you in a position of having to tell her because of her stropping about you quietly trying to make it work because you were looking forward to celebrating her birthday.

If she doesn't respond well to that information presented as such, then return her present and have a nice time with your friend. She's not a friend.

And you probably antagonised her by doubling down and saying that you hadn't been warned about the sofabed when you had. Ok, she overreacted still, but it depends on the tone of your messages too.

Wise words

I agree with this post. It reads that you somewhat flounced after you arrived and didn’t communicate what you were doing very well once you got there. It’s also a bit odd that you didn’t consider you might end up with the sofa bed and it’s not clear why you didn’t sort out sleeping arrangements before you went. Neither of you have covered yourself in glory!

Similar happened to my mum, she was in her 50s and given the sofa bed! Everyone else had rooms! She was massively pissed off as she had no where private to change/wash, and had to wait for everyone to go to bed before going to sleep. She never bothered with that set of friends again. YANBU.

What a dick.
Forget about her! You're in the South of France… go out with F and have a lovely time.
And keep the gift, or return it, or give it to a real friend.

Move on or totally ignore after blocking her. Selfish bitch

I agree I think it’s worth explaining that you’re pregnant and just needed to have a nap (and the sofa bed thing had slipped your mind).

Friend is BU (for sure!) by ‘disinviting’ you from the celebrations, and it’s a whole lot of drama that’s just unnecessary.

Giving friend some benefit of the doubt, perhaps she is v stressed with organising everything (it is really stressful organising a birthday and coordinating a load of people – probably more so when it’s your own) and perhaps particularly so as it involves friends who are also work colleagues and different groups who don’t know each other, etc. So she feels under pressure to make it a good trip. Perhaps the others in the group have given across (quite possibly unintentionally) that you seemed put out and disappointed, and she feels embarrassed and disappointed that it’s dampened things or created a weird atmosphere.

If you feel able to apologise for the misunderstanding on your side and ensure she knows you didn’t intend to flounce off or seem rude, maybe she will realise she’s being daft and the plans (and friendship) can be salvaged. If she’s not normally a Twat and just having a moment, perhaps you can get past it. And if she still insists on sulking at least you know you tried to be understanding and held out an olive branch.

Obviously you might not feel like it, but just seems like such a load of unnecessary drama and things being spoilt over nothing much! Otherwise, let her be and enjoy the holiday with your friend.

This