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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 10/10/2022 15:15

Loads of people with all sorts of personality traits manage to parent successfully. You sound quite like me, and while I certainly haven't found parenting easy, my kids are in fairly good shape so far!

didldidi · 10/10/2022 15:15

nope, I think your DH is right

Angelinflipflops · 10/10/2022 15:17

Having a kid may be just the thing you need

Rowen32 · 10/10/2022 15:18

It's not about your personality per say but how you're going to adapt and change to make way for a baby..and also if you need to work on any parts of yourself that you wouldn't want a baby picking up on/learning from..
And on the flip side asking what could you give a baby, how could you contribute, what do you have to enhance its life..

Angelinflipflops · 10/10/2022 15:19

And if your dh is so amazingly chill and calm, what a great team youll be!

Alibro79 · 10/10/2022 15:19

😮😮

Didn't that break your heart?

BeautifulWar · 10/10/2022 15:20

The thing is, there are no guarantees. Previously chilled out people can become significantly less so and stressy people less stressed.

What it does sound like though, is that your husband doesn't want a baby and is finding a way out that makes it appear like your 'fault', not his.

Hugasauras · 10/10/2022 15:21

We have this dynamic but having kids has chilled me right out! I'm still more on the highly strung side than my so-laid-back-he's-horizontal husband, but I've found having kids has made me stop worrying about a lot of stupid stuff as it doesn't seem that important any more.

Skinnermarink · 10/10/2022 15:21

i wouldn’t be impressed with being told that by my DH. You’ve known yourself longer than he has. What a cheek.

MistyRock · 10/10/2022 15:22

I'm sure you'd cope, but you have to be really selfless when you have kids. Sometimes I feel like I could scream to not have to make another meal, drink or brush my sons teeth. My life isn't a the same at all and I do feel bottom of the pile. I'm a SAHM so I often feel like I don't deserve to have nights out leaving my husband to do the caring after a day at work. Obviously this would be different depending on your circumstances. My son has autism so many things are harder than the average child. I often feel very selfish because I still want nice things and I still want own space and life and after all these years I missy old lifestyle. With saying all of that I lovey son dearly but it can be hard. We all adapt to it and I'm sure you will too. I think it's a bit mean of your husband to say what he did.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/10/2022 15:22

Sounds like he still doesn't want any kids. Which is fine, he's not strung you along, but you should probably have an uncomfortable chat if it's going to go on much longer.

MistyRock · 10/10/2022 15:22

Sorry about the typos.

Libre2 · 10/10/2022 15:23

I was a lot less worried and stressed before children but I am now a massive stress-head. We never wanted children and had one “accidentally” and then decided to have another one. They are amazing but it is very hard work (one has a major health condition that we never saw coming) and I literally never stop feeling anxious. A lot of that is due to the health condition (but you do not know what hand you are going to get dealt with kids - ours is often considered genetic but not one person in either family had it prior to DS) but a lot of it is also due to parenting teens and preteens in a digital age.

Think about it very, very carefully. Babies are cute (but exceptionally hard work) but teenagers are also exceptionally hard work and a whole lot less cute.

Someone once described parenting as cutting out your heart and letting it go running around outside your body with no protection- that is how it feels.

Skinnermarink · 10/10/2022 15:24

Also putting my son’s needs above all came completely naturally since before he was even born. It’s my DH who struggles with that sometimes actually, and still to an extent pleases himself first.

EmmiJay · 10/10/2022 15:24

Don't know if this helps at all but I was the exact same type of person. Incredibly selfish and spoilt but not in a wicked evil way😅 I was definitely highly strung and very emotional. Then DD came along and although I'm still learning, I've definitely changed for the better. Being a mum brings out a whole new level of personality like caring, patience, understanding, protectiveness (is that even a word?!) and not just for your child but for everything around you and them. Hopefully you get to experience it!

GiltEdges · 10/10/2022 15:24

The thing is, it’s impossible to know until you’ve been there… and by the time you’ve been there it’s too late to change it.

I’d say I’m of a similar personality type (and also an only child) and have found parenting incredibly stressful. I’ve learned to deal with it better over the years, but if I had my time again I probably wouldn’t do it. That’s not to say I don’t love DS to bits, I just think there would have been more rewarding (and infinitely less stressful) ways for me personally to spend my life than having children.

lobsterkiller · 10/10/2022 15:25

Kids have a way of stopping you whittling over the daft stuff. My sister, who was highly strung until the kids came along is a brilliant mum.

I'm more chilled, but I wouldn't trust me with someone's goldfish let alone kids.

I made a decision not to have any, don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't.

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/10/2022 15:25

I think that is a very unkind of your DH. You sound pretty much like me to be honest (and I have brought my kids i up virtually single-handed). My kids are now 18 and 20 and I've had nothing but praise from schools and other adults about what lovely kids they are.

The positive side of the coin is that you probably think deeply about how to do
Things properly, are good at planning and very conscientious.

ArcticSkewer · 10/10/2022 15:26

if someone who knows you better than anyone thinks that, then I'd certainly reflect on it.
there are plenty of parents out there you shouldn't really ever have had kids

VeridicalVagabond · 10/10/2022 15:26

I don't think it's generally a good idea to have a child with a man who doesn't want one and needs to be "persuaded", unless you're ok with being the one doing most of everything child related. Those men tend to be the ones who resent how much children change your life, no matter how chill they are.

BatshitBanshee · 10/10/2022 15:29

Well, you'll either get more stressed to the pointing of spinning out and then discover you're actually neurodivergent and have been masking overstimulation, social difficulties and executive dysfunction for years (me)

Or

You'll eventually chill the fuck out (also me, post therapy)

Either way you won't know until you have a kid, no one ever knows how having a child will change them. My pregnancy was perfectly fine and then I delivered an 11lb baby naturally but it was a traumatic birth and DD had a NICU stay, the impact of which I was never prepared for.

But I would be pissed off with DH for measuring me up like that. Cheeky fucker.

Candleabra · 10/10/2022 15:29

I think it’s fine for YOU to internally question whether it’s right for you to have kids. I’d be horrified if a partner said tgst to me though.
Aren’t you upset your DH said that about you?

Sounds to me like he doesn’t want kids and is looking for an excuse to not have them - and your “personality “ is the excuse. Rather convenient for him. I’d be very wary. What happens if you DO struggle (as many parents do). Then it’s your fault for having the baby. Parenthood is amazing, but hard and you have to be in it together as a team. Not with one person expecting the other to fail.

LocalHobo · 10/10/2022 15:30

I would listen and carefully consider his concerns. DH knows you well and presumably understands the reasons that, previously, led you to wish to remain child free.
If both of you can see a way to start a family within your couple dynamic, then go for it. Maybe look at less traditional methods; full time nanny, DH as primary parent etc.
Ultimately though, no one really knows what sort of parent they will be until they have a child.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/10/2022 15:31

Isn't your husband a prize?!

Instead of being upfront with you & saying he has not changed his mind & still does not want children - he decided to neg you & tell you that you are the Wrong Sort Of Human to have kids.

Who the fuck does he think he is?
I hope you leave him, find an ace new man, have triplets & are blissfully happy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2022 15:32

He knows you better than we do. Loads of people, women and men, become far more anxious and stressed once they become parents.