My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
thelobsterquadrille · 10/10/2022 17:59

I hate how a lot of these posts are saying "Just have one".

Children aren't something you should "just do", ffs.

Report
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 18:00

Badnewsoracle · 10/10/2022 17:57

To be honest, I wish someone had said that to me before I had kids.

I'm not the right personality to be a good parent, unfortunately only figured that out after having them.

@Badnewsoracle

what do you think is the right kind of personality to have kids?

Report
VladmirsPoutine · 10/10/2022 18:01

FMSucks · 10/10/2022 17:37

Call me a cynic but it sounds like your DH doesn’t want kids and is trying to use your personality as a get out clause.

I’m highly strung (although have mellowed out over the years), my ex was is so laid back you need to check for a pulse. I am 10 times the parent he is or will ever be.

Yes. I think there's a lot of projection. Maybe he's umming and erring but using you as a crutch to avoid it whilst he figures it out. Maybe not, who knows but my position on whether or not to have kids has always been the same: Only have kids if you honestly feel like you crave them to the point it's obsessional. As though it's your life's purpose. Anything short of that would be a nope from me.

Report
KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 18:05

@ChangeOver22 Please don't apologise. Your post just hit me after a really challenging day whilst in the middle of spoon feeding DS17 his pureed dinner, then having to wrestle with him to change his pads.

I wasn't nor am after sympathy, I just wanted to make the point to the OP that this is something that they seriously need to consider. As I said upthread, I wish I had.

I was in the same position, same age, etc but decided to go for it thinking that we only regret the things we don't do but if I could turn back time.......... and I feel far from proud and deeply ashamed for admitting that.

Report
Browndoor · 10/10/2022 18:06

I doubt that selfish is the right word. Only children are not more selfish. Less flexible, possibly?

Your dh obviously loves you for you and didn't choose you for your mothering potential. He has to be honest about his concerns. I wonder though if he thinks a mother is someone who does everything. Isn't he a little bit selfish too? Aren't we all?

Neither of you know how you would be with a baby and so much depends on how easy or demanding the baby is. If you're able to have a nanny/au pair/cleaner and carve out time for yourselves and each other, it makes such a difference. I don't think you should try to be a sahm from what you've said.

Report
IndiGlowie · 10/10/2022 18:06

I've often seen that the most reluctant people made great parents. And some of the most Mother Earth seeming types were anything but and resented motherhood . Of course it depends on the child's temperament too which they are born with .

Report
ThreeRingCircus · 10/10/2022 18:09

Hugasauras · 10/10/2022 15:21

We have this dynamic but having kids has chilled me right out! I'm still more on the highly strung side than my so-laid-back-he's-horizontal husband, but I've found having kids has made me stop worrying about a lot of stupid stuff as it doesn't seem that important any more.

This is exactly my experience as well. I'm still naturally a worrier, but am definitely more chilled out than I was since having children. Although that's come with time, I was very anxious for the first 6 to 12 months probably!

I'm a good parent though. DDs are loved and cared for and know that I'm there for them.

Report
mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 18:10

FMSucks · 10/10/2022 17:37

Call me a cynic but it sounds like your DH doesn’t want kids and is trying to use your personality as a get out clause.

I’m highly strung (although have mellowed out over the years), my ex was is so laid back you need to check for a pulse. I am 10 times the parent he is or will ever be.

He doesn't want children and she said she didn't either. Have you even read OP's post?

She is the one changing her mind so not sure why he is the one being slated by so many

Report
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 10/10/2022 18:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CousinKrispy · 10/10/2022 18:10

I think it's kind of a dick move on your DH's part to say that and I'd be concerned about him being a reluctant parent.

Having kids is definitely tough. I don't know you so I don't know how significant your anxiety might be. I think it's more important to focus on what support you'd have in place as a parent, and other personality traits, like can you let your child grow up being their own person and not resent them for having a personality different from what you anticipated, or different from your own. I know that might sound weird but I honestly think that that's a lot more important than whether you're a bit of an overthinker.

Have you got family or friends you could talk this over with?

Report
Cas112 · 10/10/2022 18:12

You only know deep down inside yourself, you know yourself. It's not for him to say that

Report
diddl · 10/10/2022 18:12

If he still doesn't want kids then he should just say that imo.

My guess would be that he doesn't want to split & is hoping to change your mind back.

Report
mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 18:19

diddl · 10/10/2022 18:12

If he still doesn't want kids then he should just say that imo.

My guess would be that he doesn't want to split & is hoping to change your mind back.

He has said that and so did she. He has not changed his mind and why should he?

Report
user1471457751 · 10/10/2022 18:25

I'm surprised so many posters think it's not the place of OPs husband to have any opinion on whether his wife would be a good mother. And are calling him a dick, walker and fucker for daring to say something not positive about his wife. If you can't get honesty from your spouse who can you get it from? Her husband knows her a damn sight better than all the posters on here telling the OP to just blithely go for it.

He doesn't need an excuse to not have a child, the fact he doesn't want one is enough. It is the OP who has thrown a grenade into their relationship, not him.

Report
Cameleongirl · 10/10/2022 18:26

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

You and I have very similar personalities, OP, but I've found that having children (now teenagers) has lowered my tendency to stress and definitely made me less selfish. Being a parent has changed me for the better, tbh, I'm a kinder, more giving person (if I do say so myself 😂).

But, your DH really needs to be on board with the decision, and he doesn't sound like he is. You need to discuss this further and make sure he wants to become a parent too.

Report
IntentionalError · 10/10/2022 18:27

My personality was one of the many reasons why I decided against having children. I’m naturally lazy, I need my space & downtime, I can be selfish in terms of how I spend my free time and I have a temper. Oh, and I’m not a morning person. Not a great combination for being a parent, is it?

Being a parent isn’t for everyone, it wasn’t for me and I am very happily childfree by choice.

Report
Jackienory · 10/10/2022 18:27

mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 18:10

He doesn't want children and she said she didn't either. Have you even read OP's post?

She is the one changing her mind so not sure why he is the one being slated by so many

Exactly, and would that make the OP a “ future faker “ ?

Report
Cameleongirl · 10/10/2022 18:30

@Hugasauras Isn't it weird how being responsible can make us worriers more relaxed?! I honestly didn't realize this would happen, but as you say, you stop worrying about stupid things and self- criticism, and focus more on the big picture.

Report
Cameleongirl · 10/10/2022 18:30

*being responsible for children is what I meant to say.

Report
Oblomov22 · 10/10/2022 18:30

Is what he says nasty? Or true? If you never wanted kids before what made you change your mind? Plus is it that he hasn't changed his mind?
You should get counselling to deal with your anxiety so you don't parent your dc in an over anxious way. I think people underestimate what damage anxiety does to a child.

Report
thesurrealist · 10/10/2022 18:35

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 16:35

What a prince - he doesn't want kids and and he does not want to admit this so he is putting it on you - he is a nasty fucker.

To be fair to him, they both went into the marriage saying they didn't want kids, and now his wife has changed her mind. That changes the whole foundation of the relationship.
What is so wrong about one partner wondering about whether the other partner can cope with parenting? What is so wrong about being honest with those worries?
However, it does sound very much like he doesn't want children and so his worries are around whether he would have to cope with them more if his wife can't.
He feels how he feels and he is perfectly in the right to feel that way. He's not the one who has suddenly changed his mind about something huge and a fundamental part of his relationship.

Report
Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 18:41

Badnewsoracle · 10/10/2022 17:57

To be honest, I wish someone had said that to me before I had kids.

I'm not the right personality to be a good parent, unfortunately only figured that out after having them.

Same.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

dustofneptune · 10/10/2022 18:44

To be honest, I think it's fair for your husband to express his concerns. Having a kid is such a massive, totally consuming, world-shaking thing. So he's scared that if you guys go ahead and have one, one or both of you might seriously regret it.

Being an anxious / highly-strung person doesn't mean you won't be a good mother. I feel that being a good mother is about being able to guide your child through the world, with tons of love. To teach empathy and life skills, listen to them, bond with them, etc.

The selfishness aspect... Everyone is selfish. I feel like that's human nature. To varying degrees, sure. But you might be a lot less selfish than you think. Are you nurturing in general? How do you respond when DH is unwell? How are you with animals, or other people's kids? Are you warm and loving? Are you affectionate? Are you empathetic and compassionate?

I think the question of whether or not to have a child comes down to why you want one, in the end? I feel like if you approach the concept of motherhood from the perspective of what it is you want to give to a child, then you're on the right track?

Report
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 18:48

Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 18:41

Same.

@Autumntime2022

what is the right kind of personality do u think?

Report
Cakecakecheese · 10/10/2022 18:49

To be fair there's plenty of threads on here where posters wonder why women have children with men who turn out to be unsuitable fathers so I don't think you can really blame a guy for for worrying if his partner may have difficulty being a parent.

I can see why this would hurt and he could have framed it differently, such as suggesting you get help with anxiety before TTC. Ultimately would you even want to have a child with someone who doesn't believe you're up to it? I have many flaws but my partner chose to focus on what would make me a good mum rather than my downsides.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.