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AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
MiniCooperLover · 11/10/2022 06:53

It's not you that doesn't want children .....

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LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2022 08:17

Autumntime2022 · 11/10/2022 06:49

That’s how I see it , maybe that’s because I have the wrong personality.

@Autumntime2022

i dunno, I think a lot of people see it that way. I do.

Hence my curiosity as to why so many people don’t stick to just the one child

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Cameleongirl · 11/10/2022 13:41

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2022 08:17

@Autumntime2022

i dunno, I think a lot of people see it that way. I do.

Hence my curiosity as to why so many people don’t stick to just the one child

@LuckySantangelo35 My motivation for having two was that I’m an only child and I didn’t like it, it was lonely and I envied my friends with siblings. Now I’m solely responsible for an elderly parent and that’s crap too!

I found having my second much easier than my first as I knew what I was doing. Strangely, it’s never been double the worry, I’m less worried in some ways as they have each other.

Everyone’s different, I suppose.

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/10/2022 13:57

KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 23:21

I wanted children but couldn’t have them. The older I get and the better I get to know myself the more I wonder whether I wouldn’t have found being a mother terribly hard.

I also wonder why, though we accept that not everyone is cut out to be a teacher or police officer or nurse or even to be in a relationship (some people are happier single) we don’t seem to accept that not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

Good point, Kimberly.

As we see by the dismal results all around us, people aren't automatically suited for parenthood and bad parenting can be extremely harmful to both the offspring and society at large. It's too bad there seems to be a stigma attached to admitting that or pointing it out.

As the expression goes, it's far better to regret not having children than it is to regret having them. (and that goes for society as well as the individual..)

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Whatafustercluck · 11/10/2022 15:08

There are two parents, op. Is it naive to suggest that parenting is similar to building a team in a professional sense - in that we shouldn't employ people in our own image, but bring in those with different knowledge, skills, experience and styles to create a high performing team? You've talked about your weaknesses - what are your strengths? How do you and your dh complement one another?

Dh is highly strung, and gets stressed easily. He's also very practical, listens well and tries to adapt. I'm well organised, and tenacious, but could be viewed as inflexible and stubborn in the wrong situation. Neither one of us would be that great on our own. We'd do an alright job of it if it came to it (and marriages do fall apart, people die etc) but do a great job between the two of us.

I suppose what you have to ask yourself is, could you go it alone if you needed to?

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RealityTV · 12/10/2022 22:24

@Alphabey your husband lives with you and he knows your personality. Having a "maternal ache" is not the same as being ready to parent real, living human beings! If you aren't patient, kind, UNSELFISH and calm, you're going to have a hard time raising a kid and you're likely going to create a situation where your kid needs counseling later on in life! You KNOW these issues within yourself already. Your husband does to. If you REALLY want a child, here is what you do.
TAKE A PARENTING CLASS! REALLY! Invest in learning what is involved. Being a mother isn't a one-size-fits all deal, but it is tiring, stressful, serious and not very rewarding in the early years! Your job isn't to have a child as an accessory. Your job is to raise a human being to be successful, happy and secure! If you have issues yourself, you're going to have problems with that! People create all kinds of problems for children because they have issues they haven't addressed! WORK ON YOU FIRST! Take parenting classes and see how it suits you and then sit down together and make a decision. Also, get one of those REAL LIFE classes where you have to carry the fake "baby" around! Those are the most realistic.

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RealityTV · 12/10/2022 22:26

@Alphabey, I should also add that one important thing to consider is

COULD YOU RAISE THE CHILD ALL BY YOURSELF IF YOUR HUSBAND LEFT YOU OR DIED?

Don't lie about the answer to that question! Over half of marriages end in a divorce and having a child is VERY stressful! It will expose cracks in your marriage and if things don't work out, could you be a single parent? Could you handle that on your own? If the answer is no, then you need to consider that!

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Dweetfidilove · 12/10/2022 22:37

He will likely know you very well, so think about what he's said.

I'm unsure about the persuading him bit though.

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Peanutbuttercupisyum · 13/10/2022 10:12

RealityTV · 12/10/2022 22:24

@Alphabey your husband lives with you and he knows your personality. Having a "maternal ache" is not the same as being ready to parent real, living human beings! If you aren't patient, kind, UNSELFISH and calm, you're going to have a hard time raising a kid and you're likely going to create a situation where your kid needs counseling later on in life! You KNOW these issues within yourself already. Your husband does to. If you REALLY want a child, here is what you do.
TAKE A PARENTING CLASS! REALLY! Invest in learning what is involved. Being a mother isn't a one-size-fits all deal, but it is tiring, stressful, serious and not very rewarding in the early years! Your job isn't to have a child as an accessory. Your job is to raise a human being to be successful, happy and secure! If you have issues yourself, you're going to have problems with that! People create all kinds of problems for children because they have issues they haven't addressed! WORK ON YOU FIRST! Take parenting classes and see how it suits you and then sit down together and make a decision. Also, get one of those REAL LIFE classes where you have to carry the fake "baby" around! Those are the most realistic.

I really don’t think you need a “parenting class”. That is insane first world nonsense. Most people prior to having children are not patient and unselfish etc. Being young and only responsible for yourself means that of course we are selfish! But then you have a child, you love them more than anything ever, and you become calmer, kinder, unselfish, patient (with them at least). It’s becoming a parent that develops these things..not a class!

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KimberleyClark · 13/10/2022 10:32

Most people prior to having children are not patient and unselfish etc. Being young and only responsible for yourself means that of course we are selfish! But then you have a child, you love them more than anything ever, and you become calmer, kinder, unselfish, patient (with them at least). It’s becoming a parent that develops these things..not a class!

Romantic nonsense.

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Discovereads · 13/10/2022 10:35

I think you’d balance each other out so long as when you disagree on something parenting you are self-aware that you are over worrying and he is probably over chilled and going for a middle ground. Only exception would be health, always fine to take a baby/small child to A&E.

Im like you OP and my DH is like yours. It worked out alright.

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Ofcourseshecan · 13/10/2022 10:43

I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

In my experience, that longing never wears off. You‘re not unusual and there’s no reason why you wouldn’t be a good mum.

You need some proper discussions with DH. Nothing wrong with either of you changing your mind. But if it turns out he really doesn’t want a child, you’ll need to consider splitting up. Do talk it through first. He may realise he’s just got a bit stuck in his ways, and might be happy with the new adventure if parenthood.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 13/10/2022 17:20

@RealityTV

if you aren’t patient, kind, UNSELFISH and calm

i am some of these things some of the time

as are most people

cos were not robots

very few people in the world should have kids based on your specification !

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LuckySantangelo35 · 13/10/2022 17:22

KimberleyClark · 13/10/2022 10:32

Most people prior to having children are not patient and unselfish etc. Being young and only responsible for yourself means that of course we are selfish! But then you have a child, you love them more than anything ever, and you become calmer, kinder, unselfish, patient (with them at least). It’s becoming a parent that develops these things..not a class!

Romantic nonsense.

@KimberleyClark

people do change when they have kids

they might be dicks to everyone else but generally their own kids bring out their softer side

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RealityTV · 14/10/2022 02:57

@LuckySantangelo35, you are CORRECT - very few people SHOULD have kids! Far fewer than actually do! Being a parent is the ONLY job in the world you can get and completely suck at, yet continually do it over and over without restriction! You can't mess up the fries at McDonald's over and over! You'll get fired! You can't be a plumber and mess up over and over! You'll get reported & lose your license. However, you can be the worst person in the world and have children over and over and over! That's the plain simple truth and a lot of people should NEVER be allowed to have children, but they are! Drug addicts, selfish narcissists, self-absorbed people, liars, cheaters, people who would never put their child's interests before their own, mistresses, affair partners - ALL of them can have children with reckless abandon, but wouldn't be given more than one chance to fold clothing wrong at Bloomingdales! People who have children who shouldn't are the fuel for the therapy industry! They LITERALLY keep that industry in business! People who shouldn't have children fuel the prison system too, as well as addiction centers! Face it, you can be continually wrong, nasty and evil from sunup to sundown and STILL be allowed to have children!

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Dontevenstart · 14/10/2022 03:16

Ahhhh here we go.

“…you just see things differently when you’re a parent…”
”…oh, you’ll love it, it’ll chill you out”
”…you just realise what is and what isn’t important”

I’d much rather not regret having a child.

I can’t honestly imagine anything worse, for either party.

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Redkettle · 14/10/2022 06:44

I never worried about anything until I had kids. Even as adults the worry never goes away. It becomes a new state of being. No-one tells you. The pregnancy, when they get sick, their friend groups , playing out, where are they, school. Then later, puberty, mental health, boyfriends, friend groups, uni did they get home okay at 3am? It's never ending.
The school run, the cooking the cleaning the washing working holidays (you won't have a relaxing holiday for 15 years) childcare, the incessant talking, when they hate you....
It's a thankless task , wonderful, but thankless. For the first 25 years anyway. Lol.

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Funkyblues101 · 14/10/2022 07:20

Just make sure you have more than one child - by the second or third you give up unnecessarily worrying about them!

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JaninaDuszejko · 14/10/2022 07:50

Maternal instinct is a myth - a relevant article in the Guardian this week.

There are thankfully only a minority of parents who are such bad parents their children need to be removed from them. The majority of those are abusive men who shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone, child or adult.

The vast majority of people are good enough parents who care for their children to the best of their abilities, some are better at it than others for various reasons but no-one is perfect. If the OP is now changing her mind about having children that is fine and her DH needs to work out his own feelings about the situation and not be rude about her. Does he really think she'd be an abusive parent? Or does he just think she'll sometimes get anxious about it?

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Peanutbuttercupisyum · 14/10/2022 14:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/10/2022 17:22

@KimberleyClark

people do change when they have kids

they might be dicks to everyone else but generally their own kids bring out their softer side

Exactly..that’s why I wrote “(with them at least).” Maybe I just don’t know many people, (although I do work with children and parents) and the vast majority really are quite nice to their own children!!! As the great Barack Obama once said “even terrorists love their children” 🙂

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