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AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 17:03

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2022 16:41

Doesn't want to admit it? He already has! They agreed years ago to not have children.

This - and not wanting children isn’t a character flaw.

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alwaysscared · 10/10/2022 17:04

My husband said this to me only the other day. Problem is, our DS is 9! He has ASC and I am his full time carer as he currently can't attend school. I am not great at this as I, like you, are a constant worrier. I will say that my mental health problems have got so much worse since having DS and I have developed treatment resistant OCD since having him. Think long and hard before making a decision

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BretonBlue · 10/10/2022 17:04

I don’t think this has anything to do with your personality. He doesn’t want children and he thought you were both on the same page about this. You’re just as entitled to change your mind as he is entitled not to. You have some big decisions to make about the future of your relationship.

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FabFitFifties · 10/10/2022 17:04

I could not have a child with someone who said that to me. You want a child - he doesn't. He also seems to have a pretty low opinion of your personalty - either that, or he's cruel enough to say these things, just to put you off.

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Bumpsadaisie · 10/10/2022 17:06

Hmm.

Having a child can stir up and bring out all sorts of things that you didn't know you had/were/felt.

Your DH might feel chilled and relaxed. In a way it is quite easy to be chilled and relaxed when one is only responsible for oneself! He could find the responsibility, stress and burden of fatherhood a real shock.

Likewise, it could turn out you could take to motherhood like a duck to water.

I do know many people who were rather surprised at the kind of parents they became. A relative who was/is extremely creative and artistic went full Gina Ford with her two. And the opposite way around.

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AnApparitionQuipped · 10/10/2022 17:07

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded

It seems to be your DH who has the wrong personality for having children. If he has to be 'persuaded' it's not a good idea.

You got together on the basis you wouldn't be having children, it isn't fair to try to pressure him into having them against his judgement.

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Folklore9074 · 10/10/2022 17:09

No one here can tell you if you have the right personality and there is no way of knowing until you have the baby. Having a child is a gamble, you either go for it knowing the risks/benefits or you don’t.

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AuntSalli · 10/10/2022 17:09

One of my DC should never have children based on her personality it would be an absolute disaster. She wouldn’t enjoy it. the child wouldn’t enjoy it. I hope we never get to test the theory

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whumpthereitis · 10/10/2022 17:10

he may very well think a child wouldn’t fit easily into your family.

not least because it seems apparent that he doesn’t want one. Sadly, you’re no longer on the same page as one another. He doesn’t want a child, he would only consider having one to keep you. That isn’t a good thing for any of you.

You have a decision to make as to what you want more.

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JaninaDuszejko · 10/10/2022 17:10

I think it's a really mean thing for your DH to say. They say it takes a village to raise a child, that's because none of us have all the skills required to parent every age effectively. We need the help of our partners and parents and siblings and cousins and friends and childcare professions and teachers and doctors and nurses and TV presentors and actors and volunteers at all the various clubs our children will do etc etc to effectively raise our children. So if you get anxious and worry a bit and he's laid back then I bet he'll be the one who loses your children at a fair and you'll be the one who finds them. You will complement each other.

But I'd be more concerned about him saying something so mean and unnecessary. If he doesn't want to have kids he needs to own that and not make it your fault .

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BadNomad · 10/10/2022 17:11

Does he have a point? Are you likely to regret it? As soon as you have a child, your life is no longer your own. You have to put the child at the centre and every decision you make has to consider them first. Having children is not something you can "try" and if it doesn't work out "no harm done". A lot of harm is done if it's the wrong decision.

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TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 10/10/2022 17:12

wanker.

of course he's entitled to say he still doesn't want kids.

what he's NOT entitled to do is try to make you feel shit about being you

OR to say 'he could be persuaded! He's a) asking you to change/to
prove to him you'd be a good mum-fuck that, you're not auditioning!! And B) he's preparing his 'get out' clause 'YOU wanted a baby YOU do xyz & abc & def&ghi......

he'll take the fun bits & 'make'
YOU do everything he doesn't fancy doing because YOU wanted a baby, he never did and only went along with it to keep you happy

fuck that shit. Separate & meet someone who wants a family with you

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catandcoffee · 10/10/2022 17:12

How much time have you spent around babies, toddlers and teenagers ?

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Phoenixesrise · 10/10/2022 17:12

It seems like your husband isn't ready for having additional responsibility. Every parent worries about their child and that is the part and parcel of it all.

Can you get into some counseling for this, may be a few sessions as a couple? There things work best when an impartial person calls you out. I think he needs to hear this from someone (not you sorry) to me it seems more like a husband issue rather than your worries.

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mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 17:13

Not sure how anyone can have children and not get stressed and worried especially today with all the world problems.

Your husband knows you, none of us do, so you should listen to him.

Also if you have both always said you don't want children it's not very fair to change your mind now

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ffsnotagainandagain · 10/10/2022 17:13

Well he knows you better than us! I have met people who have had kids and said themselves they don't have that maternal instinct and it completely shows. Lack of awareness, compassion, selfishness. Obviously may not be you but broodiness effects us all from time to time but doesn't mean we have to act on it.

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RedToothBrush · 10/10/2022 17:13

Angelinflipflops · 10/10/2022 15:17

Having a kid may be just the thing you need

This.

Whether its what you DH wants is another issue.

FWIW DH and I were/are exactly the same.

DS is awesome.

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High5InALowRide · 10/10/2022 17:15

I'm a stressy worrier and having kids has made it worse. Even my laid back DH is now a shouter. It's not for everyone and my kids definitely replicate that behaviour so go into it with your eyes open! Ours was an accident and I'm an only child so I wanted to have a second. Hate having to put others first all the time so tbh it's a real struggle.

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upsiedaisy49593 · 10/10/2022 17:16

Your personality sounds just like mine. I worried about this before having my daughter and can say with confidence that she has changed me to become a lot more relaxed, which is absolutely a game changer because it dawned on me that there are simply situations where I have to let things be .

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gannett · 10/10/2022 17:20

I don't think "you have the wrong personality to have children" is an insult, or cruel, or mean. I would say that about myself. DP would definitely say it about me. It's factually correct. That's why we're child-free.

From what I've observed in friends who've had children there's surprisingly little correlation between their personalities pre-kids and how easily they took to parenting. Some of the most highly-strung, chaotic ones have really chilled out as parents. And actually some of the ones who were always good with children and obviously always wanted them have struggled more.

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walkinpark · 10/10/2022 17:22

sorry to say but it sounds like he doesn't want children and trying to make up some character 'flaw'...there is no perfect parent personality type which will guarantee happy kids and family life...you just have to be willing to put in the work and try do your best really :)

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harlemriver · 10/10/2022 17:24

You sound very like me, and my DH said something similar. We still don't have kids and I'm now in my early 40s so extremely unlikely that will change. It's a difficult dynamic, as I felt that he saw me as the "problem" - that I wouldn't enjoy parenting and therefore it would be all my fault if it wasn't sunshine and roses. And I didn't want to have kids in a situation where the success/failure was going to be entirely my responsibility. It felt like a situation where I was set up to fail, becuase another part of the dynamic with a more "chilled" partner was that I was pretty sure that i would end up with 99% of the organisational and mental load of parenting. And if I got pissed off with that - which I was sure I would - that would become the realisation of the prediction that I wasn't the right personality for parenting.

It's quite an insidious dynamic really. I didn't see it as clearly ten years ago but I think it was quite revealing about how my DH viewed me, and how he viewed 'good' parenting (100% selflessness and uncomplaining martyrdom from a mother, much lower expectations on him as a father - which, surprise surprise was basically the dynamic of his own parents)

I'm not sure if I regret not having a family - as plenty of people are saying on this thread, I think I might have found it very difficult. But I'm pretty sure that it was the right decision not to have kids in this relationship. I was never 100% sure that I wanted kids myself so it wasn't a particular sacrifice not to try. But if you have recently turned 30 and if you really want to have family, you still have time to meet someone else who genuinely wants to have a family with you. I didn't really see it that way ten years ago but slightly wish I'd been braver now.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/10/2022 17:26

If you agreed with your DH not to have children, it feels a bit weird to now go back on this and expect him just to go along with it.

Accept that if you really want children, you might need a different partner. And there is nothing wrong with that on either side.

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2022 17:26

He doesn't get to tell you whether you are suited to being a parent. Actually there is only one way to find out - I have been very surprised which friends have struggled with parenthood and which have taken to it like ducks to water.

He just doesn't want to have a baby, which in fairness he always made clear. He doesn't have to change his mind, but instead of undermining you he should just say "I don't want children".

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SpongeBabeSquarePants · 10/10/2022 17:26

Honestly, it might not be what you want to hear, or even what is socially acceptable but I think he's right.

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