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AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 19:53

kerstina · 10/10/2022 19:31

No I don’t have any idea if OP would regret it but I am just expressing my opinion . What is so wrong to say go with your natural instincts . I didn’t want children as was anxious about childbirth . I was over thinking it . Never regretted having my DS but I do regret the baby I didn’t have .
you can ask the internets opinion OP but it’s your life .

But many women go with their "natural instincts" and regret having children.

You don't regret having your child but so many women do. I have met so many women over the years who say if they could go back in time they would not have any children.

Having a child you regret almost certainly will mess up your life

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whumpthereitis · 10/10/2022 19:54

kerstina · 10/10/2022 19:31

No I don’t have any idea if OP would regret it but I am just expressing my opinion . What is so wrong to say go with your natural instincts . I didn’t want children as was anxious about childbirth . I was over thinking it . Never regretted having my DS but I do regret the baby I didn’t have .
you can ask the internets opinion OP but it’s your life .

Because natural instincts just want to be sated, even if sating them is actually a terrible fucking idea.

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mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 19:56

PoundShopPrincess · 10/10/2022 19:51

I always worry about the posters who pretend being cruel is somehow 'honest' and 'kind'. I almost hope they are just gfs because otherwise there are way too many people being treated badly by their partners.

I don't see his comment as cruel. It seems to me he is concerned how she would cope and also that she may regret it as many do.

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Peanutbuttercupisyum · 10/10/2022 20:09

He’s being totally silly.
Nearly everyone in the world has children, and there are many different personalities milling around!
Being totally chill isn’t the be all and end all…in fact being too chill obviously isn’t that great for children!
Im a massive over thinker and hate change - and I have multiple children!! I’ve actually channeled all my over thinking and anxiety in to being the best possible parent I can be and I love it.
(Your DH isn’t the voice of experience here! He doesnt have any children, how on earth does he know what personality you apparently need?!)

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PussInBin20 · 10/10/2022 20:25

Having kids is stressful, you will always have something to worry about. You will also need to put their needs before your own which is hard sometimes. Think long and hard.

Would you have family support for instance? I think this makes a difference. My DH and I don’t and so we hardly do anything on our own ie no spontaneous weekends away!

Good luck with whatever you choose.

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Untitledsquatboulder · 10/10/2022 20:32

I'm sat at the side of my son's hospital bed at the moment. Having children is stressful as fuck, a real rollercoaster of emotions. I'd strongly recommend that you get your strategies for dealing with anxiety in good order before you embark on parenthood because they will be tested.

Pre children I would have characterised myself as a relaxed, optimistic person. My mum was a total worry wart. Now I understand why.

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KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 20:38

mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 19:53

But many women go with their "natural instincts" and regret having children.

You don't regret having your child but so many women do. I have met so many women over the years who say if they could go back in time they would not have any children.

Having a child you regret almost certainly will mess up your life

👏👏👏

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Diversion · 10/10/2022 20:40

My DH is very calm and chilled, I am a complete stresshead and worry about a lot of things much of the time, although this does make me good at planning and forward thinking. Unlike you we both wanted children but we make a great team. I am the organiser and the planner, he keeps me level headed. We had four children, all adults now, two are so chilled they are almost horizontal, but hard working, the other two take after me and are a bit stressy but also great planners. There is no reason that you should not have children, his comment was extremely unkind. You need to have a conversation with him about whether or not he does want a child(ren), explain how hurtful his comment was and then decide whether or not you wish to remain child free or to end the relationship and either have a child alone or find another relationship where your partner thinks that you will be an amazing Mum.

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KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 20:41

@Untitledsquatboulder I hope your DS will be OK.

My late Mum always used to say that you never really knew worry until you had a child.

I wish every single day that she was here so I could tell her that I finally know what she meant.

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Pompom2367 · 10/10/2022 20:42

I have anxiety and I'm a natural worrier this intensified during dd1 pregnancy but after she was born I found I worry less about things I feel like this is due to being in a really good place in life

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Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 21:14

So far I have ..

Be willing to relearn everything you thought you knew about parenting.

Endless energy. Endless patience.


Conflict resolution skills. Excellent multitasker.


Be happy with many many mundane repetitive days.


Be happy that only 5% of your day is sprang actually doing something you want to do and not have to do. Same with money.


Understand all you do will not be appreciated and will probably be thrown back in your face at times.

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Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 21:16

That was in reply to whoever asked what a good personality for parenthood is imo.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 21:33

Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 21:14

So far I have ..

Be willing to relearn everything you thought you knew about parenting.

Endless energy. Endless patience.


Conflict resolution skills. Excellent multitasker.


Be happy with many many mundane repetitive days.


Be happy that only 5% of your day is sprang actually doing something you want to do and not have to do. Same with money.


Understand all you do will not be appreciated and will probably be thrown back in your face at times.

@Autumntime2022

is anyone really HAPPY with that stuff though?
or just a case of taking the rough with the smooth??

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Remaker · 10/10/2022 21:49

I don’t think it’s up to your DH to decide if you are cut out for parenting. That’s your choice to make and he can make a decision about himself.

What is sensible however is to have a conversation (well many conversations really) about the type of parents you want to be. IME you won’t be the only stressed or anxious parent. However I would suggest thinking very seriously about your selfishness. Being a selfish parent is really not ideal. Kids are very needy for a long time. You will have times when you have to put their needs ahead of yours. If you resent it then it just makes it harder on everyone. Good luck with your decision.

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Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 22:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 21:33

@Autumntime2022

is anyone really HAPPY with that stuff though?
or just a case of taking the rough with the smooth??

Be able to take the rough with the smooth. Be open the there being a lot more rough than smooth.

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Ray92 · 10/10/2022 22:21

I think it was an awful thing for him to say.
"The right personality".
What a knob.

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RebeccaCloud9 · 10/10/2022 22:22

Being selfish before having children doesn't necessarily define how you'll be when you have them. In many ways, your children are an extension of yourself, so you can become almost selfish on their behalf when you become a parent!

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RGinaPhalange · 10/10/2022 22:40

You’ve literally described me and DH 😂Although I never once considered our personalities when deciding to have children.

I was the same, didn’t think I wanted kids until I hit 30. My DD is 2 and DS is 11 weeks old. Life can often be chaotic and at times extremely stressful but I challenge anyone not to be stressed/anxious/impatient having kids. Even the most relaxed person!

When you look at their little squishy faces when they are sleeping all that stress and anxiety melts away. Every milestone they hit my heart almost burst with pride. It is so worth all that stress and worry.

If it’s something you really want to do, you’ll be a fantastic mother regardless.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 23:14

Autumntime2022 · 10/10/2022 22:14

Be able to take the rough with the smooth. Be open the there being a lot more rough than smooth.

@Autumntime2022

if that was the case though - as in more rough than smooth - why do some many people go on to have more than one?

not being antagonistic btw - at all, this is just something that fascinates me! One is enough for me!

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KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 23:21

I wanted children but couldn’t have them. The older I get and the better I get to know myself the more I wonder whether I wouldn’t have found being a mother terribly hard.

I also wonder why, though we accept that not everyone is cut out to be a teacher or police officer or nurse or even to be in a relationship (some people are happier single) we don’t seem to accept that not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

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KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 23:23

And yes it does seem that having children = no peace of mind ever again.

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LetMeSpeak · 10/10/2022 23:25

OP if you really want to child then have a child it’s not up to him. You sound like you are ready. You are aware of your weaknesses. Good luck Flowers

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Sceptre86 · 10/10/2022 23:36

He knows you better than we do so he's probably not wrong. It is stressful at times with kids, there is the constant worry when you they are little of whether you are feeding them enough, taking them out enough, playing with them enough, spending enough time with them and the worries change as they get older. They dont diminish, just change. Not everyone lets it get to them though, I don't. I recognise deep down I'm doing my best and some things are out of my control. The harder part is in my view is if you are selfish, having a child means often putting their needs in front of your own be it with regards to sleep in the early days or nights out, trips away etc. If you are selfish you are likely to keenly feel the 'loss' of your old life. It can be the making of some people though.

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ClaryFairchild · 11/10/2022 00:41

So you might take a few less risks than some other parents, given that lack of supervision I see at playgrounds etc that's not a bad thing.

You will probably also research things better so that you're not caught unaware.

But if you've never been prone to panic attacks alert you'd probably be fine.

I was always a quite selfish, spoilt youngest child, didn't have my DC until my 30s. I am more able to fight their corner than some other parents I've seen, and my selfishness now includes them, in that I will do everything possible to make sure that they get to do activities and clubs that they want to etc, and juggle my work accordingly. So actually it works in my DC's favour!!

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Autumntime2022 · 11/10/2022 06:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 23:14

@Autumntime2022

if that was the case though - as in more rough than smooth - why do some many people go on to have more than one?

not being antagonistic btw - at all, this is just something that fascinates me! One is enough for me!

That’s how I see it , maybe that’s because I have the wrong personality.

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