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AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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You are NOT being unreasonable
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TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2022 17:29

Some of the most highly-strung, chaotic ones have really chilled out as parents. And actually some of the ones who were always good with children and obviously always wanted them have struggled more.

This is exactly what I have noticed.

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ChangeOver22 · 10/10/2022 17:29

Just have one - at least to start with. After the first three years, you can sort of get your life back to normal... and life is quite nice.

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SummerInSun · 10/10/2022 17:30

I thought this about my best friend (her mum and sister had the same concerns). She was a bit of a nightmare when pregnant. But once her first DC was born, she was fine - a vastly easier and nicer person as a result too (and I say that as someone who really liked her before).

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User839516 · 10/10/2022 17:30

I’m naturally a worrier and an over thinker, definitely highly strung. DH is so laid back he is horizontal. We have three DC and while I don’t have an objective opinion, DH tells me all the time that I’m a fantastic mum. My concern would more be possible resentment if your DH gets sort of ‘roped in’ to having kids. The baby stage in particular is really, really hard going and puts even the most solid of relationships to the test. I can’t imagine doing it with someone who wasn’t 100% on board, I’d always be wondering if he was thinking ‘well, you wanted this’ when I was struggling.
Also, DH and I always knew we wanted a family and had kids as soon as we were able after we were married. Couples we know who have waited a long time before having kids to sort of ‘enjoy life’ first have definitely struggled more with the lifestyle change and the sacrifices. I guess it’s just more of a contrast if you’ve been holidaying and dining out and having lie ins etc etc for 10 years together, it’s a huge shock to the system and can breed resentment and yearning for your old life (from what we’ve seen).
Basically I don’t think there’s anything about your personality that would make you a bad mum (and I would be devastated if my DH thought that about me) but I would think very carefully before having a baby with someone who doesn’t definitely want one and is used to his cushty life without one. Recipe for disaster in my experience.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 17:30

MistyRock · 10/10/2022 15:22

I'm sure you'd cope, but you have to be really selfless when you have kids. Sometimes I feel like I could scream to not have to make another meal, drink or brush my sons teeth. My life isn't a the same at all and I do feel bottom of the pile. I'm a SAHM so I often feel like I don't deserve to have nights out leaving my husband to do the caring after a day at work. Obviously this would be different depending on your circumstances. My son has autism so many things are harder than the average child. I often feel very selfish because I still want nice things and I still want own space and life and after all these years I missy old lifestyle. With saying all of that I lovey son dearly but it can be hard. We all adapt to it and I'm sure you will too. I think it's a bit mean of your husband to say what he did.

@MistyRock

i don’t think you should become selfish when you have kids

you are still a person at the end of the day with wants and needs

mums shouldn’t be bottom of the pile

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Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 10/10/2022 17:30

Sounds to me like DH doesn’t want children but doesn’t want to say no either 🤔

I can say with some confidence that your DH knows sod all about parenting or whether you’d make a good mother. He has no idea how you’d react to the hormones. I used to be super stressy/aggressive at work and the hormones made me mellow and chilled for two years, was amazing. Friends who thought I’d be super controlling were baffled to see me go earth mother and into cosleeping etc. Other women are unlucky enough to have post-birth psychosis. No one blimmin knows until they have children how their brain will react.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 17:31

@MistyRock

i don’t think mums should be selfLESS I meant, obviously!

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Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 17:31

I've never known worry like it since having children, I've never been so stressed. Once you have a child you can't put them back so I would certainly consider it very very carefully.

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Weemummykay · 10/10/2022 17:31

If you really do THINK you want a dc, I would give it a year. It might just be a phase. My friend always said no to children, hit 30 n was like omg I think I want a baby. Her dh said give it a year and if u still want one we can try. Not even 6months down the line she was like nah I actually don’t want one at all

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ChampagneCamping · 10/10/2022 17:33

You’ll be fine. You’ll compliment each other and you’ll become a bit more chilled and he will tighten his game up. Things change and adapt

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Toomanysleepycats · 10/10/2022 17:33

I am an introvert and a worrier and I’ve been a fucking fantastic mum.

I suspect your Dh isn’t sure about kids , and instead of saying that, is trying to make you the problem. Has he asked you (or himself) if his personality is the right one to have kids.

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DorritLittle · 10/10/2022 17:35

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2022 17:29

Some of the most highly-strung, chaotic ones have really chilled out as parents. And actually some of the ones who were always good with children and obviously always wanted them have struggled more.

This is exactly what I have noticed.

Same here.

I had entirely the 'wrong' personality to have kids as I am impulsive chaotic and fisorganised. My anxious, highly strung friends are the best parents and even I muddle on through OP.

Aside from this, it is a bit weird for your husband to say something like this about you, which on the face of it seems a bit of a controlling put down designed to put you off something you seem sure you want. But I don't know him. I recognise your desire to have kids and felt the same around 30. There was no way I wasn't going to, regardless of my personality. So I had a crunch talk with DH and said if he didn't want kids we should break up as I didn't have time to mess around.

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FMSucks · 10/10/2022 17:37

Call me a cynic but it sounds like your DH doesn’t want kids and is trying to use your personality as a get out clause.

I’m highly strung (although have mellowed out over the years), my ex was is so laid back you need to check for a pulse. I am 10 times the parent he is or will ever be.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2022 17:37

I think too many people think that being a mum means being selfless and putting others above yourself all the time

it doesnt have to be like that!! Nor should it be!
kids need to see their mum as a person not as a servant

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gannett · 10/10/2022 17:38

Toomanysleepycats · 10/10/2022 17:33

I am an introvert and a worrier and I’ve been a fucking fantastic mum.

I suspect your Dh isn’t sure about kids , and instead of saying that, is trying to make you the problem. Has he asked you (or himself) if his personality is the right one to have kids.

I am confused as to why every second post is like "ooh he doesn't want to admit he doesn't want kids" when he's SAID explicitly he doesn't want kids for their entire relationship.

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Ilady · 10/10/2022 17:39

To me having a child is a big decision. Having a baby/child/teenager will change both your lives. At the new born stage your hormonal and tired. Then if you have a baby who is a bad sleeper you both getting over tired and ratty with each other. As a baby goes to a child their needs change and within a few years they can do more for themselves.
Then for some children the teen years can be hard as they are maturing, going to secondary school, dealing with friends or a lack of them and coping with exams.
How would you cope if you had a child with a physical disability or had special needs like autism?
Even a normal child can go through any number of bad periods growing up and as his or her parents you have to deal with this. You may have to fight for help for them or be prepared to spend money on getting this help. Having a child is a long term responsibility and it can be expensive as well.

I think that if you want a child it's something that you both want. You need to have a baby with someone who is going into it with their eyes open. Both of you need to be willing to accept that once you have a baby that your lives are going to change. Also it means for a man that they have to step up and do house work, mind the baby and be aware that they cant be drinking a few nights a week, going to football matches ect and leaving you to all the baby and household stuff.

I have seen couples where one wants a baby and the other not as much so. Then the person who wanted the baby is the one who ends up doing most of the work and can be left dealing with resentment when they ask their other half for help.

I would also say that if you want a baby see if you can mind a friends or families baby or small kids on a regular basis for a while. I know minding someone else kids is not the same as having your own child but it can give you a better idea of the work involved with a baby or small child. The dream of a baby/small child can be far different in reality.

I know you said to your husband that you did not want to have kids but now in your early 30's you do. I wonder is this because you feel it time now or your hormones are telling you it's times? Is it because your friends are all beginning to have babies? Or have you heard some comments about having a baby?
My advice is that you and him sit down and have a conversation about having a child. Tell him why you are thinking of changing your mind about having a child.
Find out is either sitting on the fence about having a child or did he say what he did because he had not the guts to tell you that he has no interest in having kids.

I know that may not be an easy conversation to have with him but you need to know how he really feels about having a baby. If you know he does not want kids and why you can decide then what to do. Don't let him tell you that you can try for a baby in say 1 or 2 years time due to what ever reasons because he could be just telling you that to keep you happy for now.
I would also tell him that it would be better for you to try for a baby now rather than later on because the older you get the high the risk of harder pregnancy or a disabled child.

He might tell you he does not want kids and if that is the case you know the truth. You can decide then what you want long term. If you still really want a family you have time to end things with him and move on to find another man who wants the same as you.

I know one man who told his long term partner that he did not want kids. She ended thing with him and went on to meet a man who wanted kids.

Another lady I knew told her boyfriend of 8 years that she wanted to get married and have a family. She was almost 30 with a good job and saving and he was around the same age. His attitude was we have plenty of time for that. She realised that he was quite happy to have her in his life but marriage and kids were a long way off or might never happen.
So she told him it was over. One of his friends asked her out a few months later and they are now happily married with 2 teenagers.

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VioletInsolence · 10/10/2022 17:40

As someone who sounds a bit like you (and is autistic), I would think very carefully about having children. If you are neurodivergent you will probably have ND children which makes everything more challenging and worrying.

Everything you worried about before children is worse when you have kids. If you’re worried about your health, you’ll be even more worried because you have the added fear of leaving your children with no mother.

I think I’ve been an ok parent but I’m ridiculously over-protective and all the stress and worry has damaged my health. The problem of course is that you could regret either decision.

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DWMoosmum · 10/10/2022 17:43

Personally I'd think very carefully on whether you really want to bring another life in to this terrible world we live in.

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hoorayandupsherises · 10/10/2022 17:44

It seems like this conversation was a really surprise and that he was perhaps scrabbling around a bit, given that you were previously on the same page of not having children.

My parents were ADHD and ASD (one each) and some parts of parenting were really hard. So, although DH has said that I'm not really cut out for parenting, it's a bit different as (a) I agree with him and (b) he says the same about himself.

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hoorayandupsherises · 10/10/2022 17:45

^^I have ASD and ADHD.

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KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 17:45

@ChangeOver22 Providing the OP has the very good fortune not to have a severely disabled child.

I had "just the one" and my life is far from "normal" or "nice".

I wish I had more seriously considered the possibility of having to do literally everything for my DS17 until the day I can no longer physically do it and at which point he will have to go into care.

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PoundShopPrincess · 10/10/2022 17:46

Presumably you're summarising the conversation but, on the face of it, that's quite a harsh and sweeping statement your DH made. I'd also assume he made it to dent your confidence rather than just admit that he still definitely doesn't want DC.

Becoming a parent is so life-changing that previous preconceptions and personality traits can be swept off the table. It's impossible to predict how it will impact you. I've seen completely laidback friends become the ones obsessing about their DC's grades and focused high achievers become laidback and relaxed.

It might be worth having a chat with your friends about parenting styles, etc, As for your DH, I think he's trying to get out of a serious discussion about DCs by making you feel bad. You both need to have that serious conversation. It shouldn't be put off the table just because he is already undermining your parenting.

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notacooldad · 10/10/2022 17:52

What it does sound like though, is that your husband doesn't want a baby and is finding a way out that makes it appear like your 'fault', not his
That was my immediate thought.

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ChangeOver22 · 10/10/2022 17:53

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 17:45

@ChangeOver22 Providing the OP has the very good fortune not to have a severely disabled child.

I had "just the one" and my life is far from "normal" or "nice".

I wish I had more seriously considered the possibility of having to do literally everything for my DS17 until the day I can no longer physically do it and at which point he will have to go into care.

I'm so sorry. Yes we can't possibly know what we are going to get given. It is a random lottery that's for sure.

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Badnewsoracle · 10/10/2022 17:57

To be honest, I wish someone had said that to me before I had kids.

I'm not the right personality to be a good parent, unfortunately only figured that out after having them.

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