My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 18:54

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 18:05

@ChangeOver22 Please don't apologise. Your post just hit me after a really challenging day whilst in the middle of spoon feeding DS17 his pureed dinner, then having to wrestle with him to change his pads.

I wasn't nor am after sympathy, I just wanted to make the point to the OP that this is something that they seriously need to consider. As I said upthread, I wish I had.

I was in the same position, same age, etc but decided to go for it thinking that we only regret the things we don't do but if I could turn back time.......... and I feel far from proud and deeply ashamed for admitting that.

@KermitlovesKeyLimePie

You have nothing for which to be ashamed! It is quite understandable that you would have regrets and "what ifs" in that situation. 💐Do you get any respite at all? I'm so sorry.

Report
LuckyPeonies · 10/10/2022 18:56

Our hormones are determined to trick us into procreating and too many people do regret motherhood/parenthood once they can’t undo it. Google the subject and it’s mind-boggling. If at all possible you may want to “borrow” a friend’s or relative’s small child (still in diapers) for at least a full week so you can experience what it’s really like. There’s really nothing like first-hand experience to help clarify if it’s right for you or not.

Report
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 18:57

Cakecakecheese · 10/10/2022 18:49

To be fair there's plenty of threads on here where posters wonder why women have children with men who turn out to be unsuitable fathers so I don't think you can really blame a guy for for worrying if his partner may have difficulty being a parent.

I can see why this would hurt and he could have framed it differently, such as suggesting you get help with anxiety before TTC. Ultimately would you even want to have a child with someone who doesn't believe you're up to it? I have many flaws but my partner chose to focus on what would make me a good mum rather than my downsides.

This is a good point. I have known a number of men who are fun to have a fling/romance with but whom I'd never have considered as the father of my children.

If he married her feeling that she wouldn't cope well with parenthood, but it didn't matter because they'd agreed not to become parents, that doesn't make him a villian. He loves her for other qualities.

Report
Otterock · 10/10/2022 18:59

Was your personality type part of the decision to not have children in the past?

Also - do you actually want a child/children and all that comes with it or do you want a baby?

This could have been a knee jerk reaction from him as you’d previously agreed not to have kids. And now he’s saying he needs persuading. Please think very long and hard if this is what you really want and if it is - if he’s the right person to do it with

Report
surreygirl1987 · 10/10/2022 19:00

I'm the 'wrong' personality to be a mother in that case as well. I kind of knew I'd find having children difficult because of my personality, but although it took some getting used to, it's fine. I love my boys.

Report
Testina · 10/10/2022 19:01

So when you decide you’d like a child and he still doesn’t, instead of owning that, he pushes the reason it’s a no back onto you, coming up with some personality defect?

Nice.

Report
whumpthereitis · 10/10/2022 19:01

He might also genuinely think that/ be right? I’d rather have someone be honest with me than lie to me to spare my feelings tbh. Hell, I trust my husband to be honest, and would be more upset if he wasn’t.

I don’t want children. If I suddenly changed my mind I would expect my husband to point out the obvious - that our personalities and lifestyles would not suit parenthood. Choosing to be a parent is no minor thing; and whether it’s the right thing for someone to do should be considered, surely?

Report
Cameleongirl · 10/10/2022 19:02

I agree that her DH isn't being unkind, he's simply questioning her about-face on the subject and whether she's really thought this through.

As PP's have said, it can work both ways. My SIL and her DH agreed to have children before they married, he was keener than her. After a few years together, she told me that she realized he wouldn't be a great parent (would leave everything to her essentially) and as she was ambivalent about children, she decided against it.

Situations can change!

Report
diddl · 10/10/2022 19:04

He has said that and so did she.

I meant he could just have reiterated it this time rather than that telling Op he doesn't think that she'd cope.

Report
Sparkletastic · 10/10/2022 19:04

He doesn't want kids and he's trying to make it your fault.

Report
BadNomad · 10/10/2022 19:08

I think what he's saying is he doesn't want children with the OP.

Report
BeautifulWar · 10/10/2022 19:11

I am confused as to why every second post is like "ooh he doesn't want to admit he doesn't want kids" when he's SAID explicitly he doesn't want kids for their entire relationship.

Because that isn't what he said when OP raised the suggestion. He didn't say 'i still don't want them', he instead said that the OP doesn't have the right personality for it.

Report
kerstina · 10/10/2022 19:12

I think if you are feeling broody then it is something that would most likely work out for you . You would be doing what nature intended for you !
Hopefully you will fall in love with your baby and you will find it’s not even a chore or a case of being selfish , you just want to look after your baby and nurture it .
I am also an only child , naturally anxious but I wasn’t with my baby but I had experience as had worked with babies/ children so felt like I knew what I was doing in one way . Could you work with children to see how you find it ?
I did find the social aspect of having children hard , having to mix with other parents but I survived ! Good luck OP I think you will regret it if you don’t go for it .

Report
IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 19:22

Ach, he just doesn’t want kids and is trying to make it your fault.

Report
IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 19:23

Sparkletastic · 10/10/2022 19:04

He doesn't want kids and he's trying to make it your fault.

Oh snap. Exactly.

Report
BadNomad · 10/10/2022 19:24

BeautifulWar · 10/10/2022 19:11

I am confused as to why every second post is like "ooh he doesn't want to admit he doesn't want kids" when he's SAID explicitly he doesn't want kids for their entire relationship.

Because that isn't what he said when OP raised the suggestion. He didn't say 'i still don't want them', he instead said that the OP doesn't have the right personality for it.

I took that to mean, having gotten to know the OP (anxious, worrier, highly strung) he doesn't think they should have children. Rather than him not wanting children ever, he just doesn't think they are a good idea within this relationship. But now that she has expressed interest, he's having to explain his doubts. i.e he doesn't think she would cope, and probably fears he will have to deal with the fallout if she can't cope.

Report
mydogisthebest · 10/10/2022 19:25

kerstina · 10/10/2022 19:12

I think if you are feeling broody then it is something that would most likely work out for you . You would be doing what nature intended for you !
Hopefully you will fall in love with your baby and you will find it’s not even a chore or a case of being selfish , you just want to look after your baby and nurture it .
I am also an only child , naturally anxious but I wasn’t with my baby but I had experience as had worked with babies/ children so felt like I knew what I was doing in one way . Could you work with children to see how you find it ?
I did find the social aspect of having children hard , having to mix with other parents but I survived ! Good luck OP I think you will regret it if you don’t go for it .

You have no idea whether OP will regret not having a baby. She may well be one of the MANY women who do regret having a child.

Anyway surely it is better to regret not having a child than having one?

If nature intended for all women to have children what does that say about the ones who have chosen not to have any?

Report
Jackienory · 10/10/2022 19:25

Sparkletastic · 10/10/2022 19:04

He doesn't want kids and he's trying to make it your fault.

How so, he's not the one who's going back on a joint agreement, is he ?.

Report
Sparkletastic · 10/10/2022 19:25

Great minds Iris!

Report
AnApparitionQuipped · 10/10/2022 19:30

I don't consider that I have the right personality to have children. I suffer from depression and often struggle to look after myself. I couldn't meet the needs of children. I also couldn't cope with professionals suddenly being entitled to intrude on the way I live my life. There's a thread on here at the moment where someone's health visitor has criticised their (very healthy) meal choices - I couldn't be doing with that. Catch me on the wrong day and the fridge will contain nothing but half an onion, some stale cheese, a billion condiments and a bottle of wine!

Report
kerstina · 10/10/2022 19:31

No I don’t have any idea if OP would regret it but I am just expressing my opinion . What is so wrong to say go with your natural instincts . I didn’t want children as was anxious about childbirth . I was over thinking it . Never regretted having my DS but I do regret the baby I didn’t have .
you can ask the internets opinion OP but it’s your life .

Report
PoundShopPrincess · 10/10/2022 19:32

OP ignore the posters who seem to be implying you're 'not allowed' to change your mind or try to have a serious discussion with your DH about this. You are.

That doesn't mean he will automatically change his mind. Ultimately you may need to decide what is most important - having a DC or being with him. My cousin and her DH split up over their different views about having DCs. She went on to marry someone else and had DCs with them.

I'd be worried about your DH's latent cruel or tactless streak. You'll know if he has a habit of undermining or de-stablising you to get his own way or avoid conversations.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 19:34

Jackienory · 10/10/2022 19:25

How so, he's not the one who's going back on a joint agreement, is he ?.

No he’s not. But instead of saying ‘I didn’t want kids and I still don’t’, he implies the problem is with her, so he’s off the hook.

Report
tenbob · 10/10/2022 19:46

IrisVersicolor · 10/10/2022 19:34

No he’s not. But instead of saying ‘I didn’t want kids and I still don’t’, he implies the problem is with her, so he’s off the hook.

You didn’t even bother to read the OP

”Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.”

It is nothing about him shifting the blame

a married couple have had an honest conversation, and both been honest with each other.

there is nothing odd or unkind or underhand about it

What IS weird is how many posters think the DH should have lied or made up an excuse to spare his wife from some honest criticism
You must be in some bizarre relationships if you think that is normal or preferable

Report
PoundShopPrincess · 10/10/2022 19:51

I always worry about the posters who pretend being cruel is somehow 'honest' and 'kind'. I almost hope they are just gfs because otherwise there are way too many people being treated badly by their partners.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.