My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
Hopingforhomebirth · 10/10/2022 16:27

If my partner said that to me the relationship would be over. Aren’t you incredibly hurt? It sounds more to me as though he doesn’t want to have children

Report
WoopsIdiditagain1 · 10/10/2022 16:29

What a wanker.

Report
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2022 16:30

Sounds to me like he doesn’t want kids and is looking for an excuse to not have them

Her husband doesn't need an "excuse." They had both agreed that they would never have children.

Report
happy66 · 10/10/2022 16:31

I would think DH does not want children and is trying to persuade you away from it.

In his defence you did go into the marriage saying you didn’t want children.

Though if you do have children you will most likely become a lot more stressed than you are now!

sounds a tough one.

Report
ShadowPuppets · 10/10/2022 16:32

There are no guarantees with this - my most highly strung friend has become amazingly zen since her kids turned up. I’m a bit inflexible and always thought I’d be great with babies (they just slot in to your life) and worried about how I’d be with a toddler (chaos!) And funnily enough I’ve turned out to be the other way around - I’m crap with babies, it’s so bloody monotonous - and yet I’m so much better than my (more chilled) DH with toddlers! Possibly because my inflexibility means I’m quite good at the ‘I’m just going to stand here until you get up from your tantrum’ and ‘I’m sorry you want your red shoes, they’re not here. Oh well never mind!’. He’s more empathetic and I think toddler tantrums throw him off course a bit 😁

I do think what your DH said is a bit cruel and I agree with PPs the worst thing about it is you won’t know until you have DC. But please don’t not have them, if you really want them, because of his comments. Because on every day I have had to slog on hard with the babies thinking ‘God I really don’t enjoy this’ - the one thing that’s kept me being a good mum is the fact I wanted them, and that I love them, and that I wouldn’t trade them for the world. It’s what keeps me going on the days when it doesn’t come naturally.

Report
Youredaft · 10/10/2022 16:33

I’m naturally anxious, DH is naturally calm and logical.. it’s the best mix! We balance each other’s parenting really well.

Report
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 16:35

What a prince - he doesn't want kids and and he does not want to admit this so he is putting it on you - he is a nasty fucker.

Report
nouvellepoor · 10/10/2022 16:38

I have an anxious worrier personality type. Same as you with stress and challenges. I have found having kids extremely challenging. I am not as happy now. I know the stress and worry will never end, that's the worse bit.

Like you, I was happy (very) with my lack of maternal urges till a hormonal surge overtook me.

Honestly, I don't think having kids was right for me. Your husband might be right.

Report
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2022 16:41

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 16:35

What a prince - he doesn't want kids and and he does not want to admit this so he is putting it on you - he is a nasty fucker.

Doesn't want to admit it? He already has! They agreed years ago to not have children.

Report
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/10/2022 16:43

I think every one and I mean every one should have some counselling before having a kid to see if they need to develop coping strategies, uncover childhood traumas, learn how to break generational cycles of abuse, or just to know better and do better and learn how to recognise your emotions and communicate.

Obviously that doesn't happen, it's costly, mental health services are a state and I'm wishfully thinking.

But, if you want a baby and if YOU think you might need to address your emotional well-being then please do.

Being a worrier or being highly strung doesn't mean you're not fit to be a mother. Personalities are so diverse.

The only thing you ought to concern yourself with is whether you feel like you've got the skills, tools and coping mechanisms to grow and develop within your family unit.

You don't need to be perfect. Nobody is.

Your husband should also be empowering you, even with honesty. Not bringing you down.

Report
Hankunamatata · 10/10/2022 16:47

He doesn't want kids sonhe looking for reasons not to have them

Report
ChampagneLassie · 10/10/2022 16:47

My DP and I could be described as simmilar to yourself and your DP. Your children are like an extension of you and you will put their needs above your own and any selfishness will only be to others to ensure your child's needs are met.

Report
Dozycuntlaters · 10/10/2022 16:47

Not sure why you DH is being given a rough ride here, I don't think he said anything out of order. You both went into marriage not wanting kids so he is just trying to point out to you his reasoning as to why he feels it may not be a great idea. I don't particularly agree with the only child hence being selfish attitude, my DS is an only and is one of the least selfish people I know. Just sit down with him, have a proper chat and iron stuff out and be aware that all the points he makes are valid. Having a baby is bloody hard work even if it's all you ever dreamed about so if you're not sure its better to regret not having a child than it is to regret having one.

Report
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 16:50

VeridicalVagabond · 10/10/2022 15:26

I don't think it's generally a good idea to have a child with a man who doesn't want one and needs to be "persuaded", unless you're ok with being the one doing most of everything child related. Those men tend to be the ones who resent how much children change your life, no matter how chill they are.

This.

And tbh, looking back from nearly age 60, I wouldn't trade a fulfilling romantic/sexual/marital relationship for the chance to have DC. If you are happy as you are, you're already well ahead of so many people. Do you want to risk it? If having kids leads to a marital breakdown or breakup, well, it gets lonely out there and pickings are slim in your 40s and 50s.

Report
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2022 16:51

ChampagneLassie · 10/10/2022 16:47

My DP and I could be described as simmilar to yourself and your DP. Your children are like an extension of you and you will put their needs above your own and any selfishness will only be to others to ensure your child's needs are met.

In a perfect world, maybe. I know of several inherently selfish people who should have never had kids, yet sadly they did. Their kids are now burdened having been raised by someone who never put them first, and the effects of that are devastating.

Report
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 16:51

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 16:35

What a prince - he doesn't want kids and and he does not want to admit this so he is putting it on you - he is a nasty fucker.

What?

Seems to me he has admitted it, as they both had previous agreed upon a childfree life. I see nothing duplicitous or shady about his response to her changing the game plan.

Report
AlecTrevelyan006 · 10/10/2022 16:53

BeautifulWar · 10/10/2022 15:20

The thing is, there are no guarantees. Previously chilled out people can become significantly less so and stressy people less stressed.

What it does sound like though, is that your husband doesn't want a baby and is finding a way out that makes it appear like your 'fault', not his.

This.

Report
StaunchMomma · 10/10/2022 16:53

Sounds to me like between you you'd be absolutely fine.

All parents are just human beings, they do not have super powers, and that evolution-led maternal instinct that's making you broody is what spurs you on when it gets hard.

Parenting is hard for everyone at times.

Report
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 16:54

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:49

Thanks for the responses. To answer the questions, I’ve never been worried to the point of having anxiety attacks or similar, but I do find myself worrying and ruminating on things that other people probably take more in their stride. At times, I’m not a great sleeper due to over thinking.

I'm a worrier, always have been, always will be. Or I suppose over thinker.

I don't think I'm anxious anymore although I was, years ago.

I think relating this to having children you need to realise that there's an extra person to deal with and to ensure you have time for that. Maybe one child would be better than two or more.

Report
Threelefthands · 10/10/2022 16:55

OP,
The issue isn't your 'coping' but your DH's attitude.

"When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line."

IMO He doesn't actually want a child with you.

"Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.""

This IMO is BS. It's just an excuse.

"financially we are in a great position to have a family" Have you actually costed it out BTW. Maybe he has and doesn't want to lose his standard of living?

"he says he could be persuaded" Why should he have to be 'persuaded'? If he's not 100% on board with this it won't work and a year down the line we'll be seeing posts from you saying that "my DH leaves all the childcare to me, what shall I do?"

Consider your options very carefully OP because I don't see you being on the same page.

Report
SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2022 16:55

I'd assume I'd got the wrong husband, not the wrong personality.

So you over think a bit and worry more than him. You're hardly pulling the legs off spiders for kicks.

No one really knows what kind of parent they'll be until they are one. You certainly don't have to be perfect like your husband believes he is, you just have to be open to change.

Report
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/10/2022 16:58

Well I would say that you have a huge positive personality trait....you are self aware.

Many people are not and blithely gloss over (or simply do not/will not see) their own imperfections. Being aware of negatives in ones emotional make up is a great gift to have.

You can look at those issues and see how to overcome or minimise them and their effects.

My biggest concern is that your DH says he could be persuaded, while at the same time trying to convince you that you would be a shit mother......this doesnt bode well. A child needs parents who actively want and embrace parenthood, one parent who does that alone is far better than a couple where only one is fully committed and frankly most marriages dont survive the "I will let you have a kid but......" arrangement that this sounds like it would end up being.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 10/10/2022 16:58

I'm torn because it might make you less like that or it might make you more like that.

My son is autistic it's absolutely exhausting and relentless and I have to be hugely selfless and cope with very high stress (him running in road, eating stones, hitting me). If you had a child like this you would really struggle and that's the truth...

Report
Fedupwithmondays · 10/10/2022 16:59

I could of wrote this post OP. I was the same as you before I had my 3 DC's. I am a worrier and over thinker but my DH is very laid back/chilled. We work very well together.
I had my DD when I was 35, followed by two more DC's and I love every minute of being a mum. I am now 50 and a completely different person to who I was. They are my world and I hope you have your DC in the future.

Report
Piffle11 · 10/10/2022 17:02

You and your DH sounds very much like me and my DH. I am a highly stressed and anxious person, he is very chilled. I was hoping that his great qualities would cancel out mine… Unfortunately, that's not how it works! We have two children: one has low functioning autism, non-verbal and very much stressful to deal with, and the other one it's just like me: anxious, worries about everything. I always found it difficult in social situations, and obviously once you have children, this increases. Play dates, school events,… I have found it incredibly difficult. I absolutely adore my children and they are the loves of my life, but my life has become increasingly difficult since becoming a mother. The thing with having children is you never know what you are getting.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.