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AIBU?

DH says I have the wrong personality to have DC

220 replies

Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:12

DH and I have been together for many years and we had previously both agreed that we didn’t want any children. Since I’ve turned 30, all of that seems to have changed and I’ve been constantly feeling broody and longing for a child. It’s a sort of maternal ache I’ve never felt before.

When raising it with DH he was quite shocked and certainly didn’t seem keen. Ultimately he says he could be persuaded (financially we are in a great position to have a family) but his main concern is my personality, as to whether I’d cope with a baby and whether I’d regret the decision down the line.

I’m the first to admit that I’m naturally a worrier and over-thinker, whereas DH is very calm and chilled. If anything I’m highly strung. I do tend to be stressed easily and I don’t deal particularly well with challenges and stressful events. I also grew up as an only child and I’m still a bit selfish. AIBU in thinking I’d cope?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

582 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 15:36

My SIL is lovely but used to get really stressed out/angry, especially in public, not a lot but a few times. Since she had her son 4 years ago, though I'm sure she's human and loses it sometimes, she very rarely does with him and is extremely patient and kind over all sorts of things like washing his hair, his 4 year old strops etc. He's also the sort of kid that stays up until 10pm or later (probably for attention) and still she's patient. Very, very occasionally she's got stressed, like last Christmas when she visited but I just took her for a coffee and local shops browse and asked for her advice in choosing a gift.

Funnily enough unlike others here, I wouldn't leave him or be PA with him etc - I'd just say I've spoken to some parents (white lie here) and they've said you change for the better when you have kids.

I've also known (not me, DM) some women who my mum said she could never imagine having kids, very organised, neat/tidy, couldn't see them with kids, they had kids and it was the making of them, chilled them out etc.

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SleeplessInEngland · 10/10/2022 15:36

KettrickenSmiled · 10/10/2022 15:31

Isn't your husband a prize?!

Instead of being upfront with you & saying he has not changed his mind & still does not want children - he decided to neg you & tell you that you are the Wrong Sort Of Human to have kids.

Who the fuck does he think he is?
I hope you leave him, find an ace new man, have triplets & are blissfully happy.

To be fair the OP spent the whole of her last paragraph pretty much agreeing with him.

The DH's fault is that he hasn't just said 'I still don't want kids'.

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Eleusa · 10/10/2022 15:37

There are lots of different ways to be a good mum, and that includes as a worrier. Being someone who thinks things through and makes a plan for every eventuality can be a benefit. There's also a certain sort of chilled person who takes pride in being chilled but actually relies on the fact that someone else is doing all the worrying and planning- is that your partner?

So I don't think you have the wrong personality to be a parent- I'm not even sure what that would mean. However I agree that having a baby with someone who needs to be talked into it is something to think twice about. I wouldn't recommend it unless he is 100% on board of his own volition. If that's not the case and you really want a child, it would be better to find a different partner.

It sounds a bit as if he is telling you you're the wrong sort of person in order to stop you trying to persuade him into something he wants to do. It's not a great set up for either of you.

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Piglet89 · 10/10/2022 15:39

You sound quite like me OP, right down to the only child bit. We were told we couldn’t have children, which we found very difficult. We were just coming round to accepting this when I fell pregnant with our little son, which was a surprise!

I am going to say I have found becoming a mother very, very difficult - a huge adjustment, and have suffered PND badly. The loss of space and the ability just to be alone is something I really miss because I am ultimately an introvert. It has also really impacted our relationship as a couple. We are so lucky: our son is NT, hasn’t got any health problems so far and is a sunny, happy little boy. It’s all me: my personality is the reason I have found it so hard. It is getting easier as he gets older and more and more independent, though. But I don’t want to have any more children (even if I could!) and couldn’t go back to the baby days again: they nearly broke me the first time.

Do you have any supportive family nearby who could help you and give you a break now and again?

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Cwcwbird · 10/10/2022 15:40

Mumsnet is full of highly string parents so I don't think that necessarily precludes you having kids - especially if you are self aware enough to know that about yourself. Same with the selfishness really. Only thing I'd be worried about is, is he really being honest about being open to having them?

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2022 15:42

I find people like this who have a baby just have a more rigid routine than those that are naturally more chilled.

How much of an over thinker / worrier are you? How highly strung? There is a difference between being forced out of your comfort zone and finding a way around things and being completely floored by it all to the point of having anxiety attacks and causing a negative affect on your child.

For instance I am a bit like you, I also have a lot of autism traits and I find not being in control and last minute changes in routine very hard. I found the baby stages quite tough, the not knowing why they were crying and the napping fine one day but not napping the rest etc. But I didnt fall apart, nothing awful happened, I just wrote a lot of lists! And probably went to the doctor a bit too often with the baby. Like a lot of first time mums. It's never got to the stage where I've not done anything (eg take the baby on holiday, let them play somewhere they might get hurt) because I was too anxious.

And life is stressful now but I think I'm better at parenting in some aspects than my partner who is a lot more chilled. So for example it's me who insisted on taking my child to out of hours and they did turn out to have a severe infection. Me who reads the books on behaviour and tries my best to improve my reactions to things and follow parenting advice rather than do it naturally as I second guess my instincts, it's me who obsessively batch cooks small portions of meals so they can always get some veg in them etc. Me that researches interesting new things to do at the weekends as I get a bit paranoid we don't do a range of activities etc. And it's my partner who points out that not eating veg once wont kill them, that we could do with a weekend chilling at home etc etc and it all balances out.

All I'm trying to say is there are positives and negatives to most parenting styles and personalities mixed in with babies and children. If you work together you can make it work (assuming you are in control of your anxiety and it's not dominating everything)

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2022 15:45

Also I'd echo PP, it's a bit harsh that he is seeing these personality traits as a negative and saying that you're not good enough to be a parent (and by implication that his personality type would be a great parent) and unless he has a point (eg your day to day life is already heavily impacted by anxiety and it would be difficult to avoid this impacting a child) then I think this is actually criticism that is either harsh because he doesn't want kids and wants to deflect the reason onto you, or it's a worrying reflection on what he thinks of you and your relationship

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Banana2079 · 10/10/2022 15:47

You should try counselling first if that is your personality traits I wouldn’t recommend having a child I have borderline personality disorder and I struggled a lot

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Alphabey · 10/10/2022 15:49

Thanks for the responses. To answer the questions, I’ve never been worried to the point of having anxiety attacks or similar, but I do find myself worrying and ruminating on things that other people probably take more in their stride. At times, I’m not a great sleeper due to over thinking.

OP posts:
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Cactuslove · 10/10/2022 15:56

I have diagnosed anxiety made worse by pregnancy. I am now a single mum of two kids under 4, no longer on meds etc. I seemed to be more anxious when I was with my partner (although I used to think he levelled me out as he was super calm etc). Anyway I cope fine. But having kids is hard work. The expense is the least of it I think. It's not about your personality etc more about how resilient you are and whether you feel up for a challenge. A very rewarding albeit multiple decade long challenge.

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Essexgalhere · 10/10/2022 15:57

Perhaps your partner was shocked at your change of heart and said that in defence as in “this is why you didn’t want children” rather than how it came across, but I don’t blame you for being hurt.

I think this is something you and your husband need to discuss in depth and decide if this is something you both want and give yourself some time (6 months, a year) to really think about this

I’ve always wanted children but my DH didn’t want children before he met me, was a bit unsure about it for a couple of years into our relationship and now I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant

I would say it’s okay to change your mind and your personality doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mum. I guess it is hard to know until you are there but the majority of people adapt (albeit hard at first) and never look back.

I stand by giving yourself a bit of time to have a think about this properly xx

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Heatherbell1978 · 10/10/2022 15:58

You sound like me although I never questioned whether I would be a good mum - now I look back I probably should have! I have two DCs and I've found that they've made me chill out in some areas but my worrying/over analysing has actually made me a good parent in other ways. I'm highly organised and have a demanding job but still somehow manage to create an efficient machine at home and I quite enjoy the fact my life is one big project to manage! I worry more about money and my pension than my kids some days so it doesn't stop the worrying but you can't worry about it all so something has to give.

Many of my friends are like me and we do all seem to cope well but it's the ones who are also real perfectionists that struggle a bit. You can't plan a perfect birth, a perfect child etc so if you're that way inclined perhaps think about how you'd cope if things didn't go to plan - one of my friends with a 9yo still hasn't come to terms with her emergency c-section after she'd planned her water birth for months.

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Softplayhooray · 10/10/2022 15:58

Do you think he's just trying to look for ways to talk you out of it? It's probably a shock to him that you want a child when you'd both previously made clear you didn't. I guess he's hoping you'll find a reason not to want one.

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SallyWD · 10/10/2022 16:03

I'm an anxious overthinker but I think I'm a good mum (lots of people including my children tell me I am!). I have enough emotional intelligence not to burden my children with all my worries. My children are very well loved and well looked after.

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MintJulia · 10/10/2022 16:03

You'll be fine

I was told the same, that I was a worrier, a career woman, too selfish etc.

Nope, I have a happy relaxed 14yo and have coped fine for more than a decade. Don't let him undermine your confidence. All you need is love and an occasional bit of support.

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MintJulia · 10/10/2022 16:05

Having a baby will solve your occasional sleeplessness. 😀

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EndlessMagpies · 10/10/2022 16:07

You sound pretty much like I was, and my dc1 is now 23.

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washingbasketqueen · 10/10/2022 16:11

I wouldn't let those things out you off. You seem very self aware which is good. Perhaps seek out some therapy for your anxiety to try and figure out different ways of tackling things and coping. Lots of us were selfish before we had kids. If you're a decent person then a child will knock that out of you quickly!

Are you sure your dh is just deflecting though? They're not nice things to hear from your spouse. Surely you have lots of great qualities too?

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DotDotaDash · 10/10/2022 16:20

Well the thing is that it’s not just about your personality is it it’s about his too and your joint circumstances. You would need to work as a team. That is far more important.

That said most people imo know that parenting can be very hard as well as having great times as can many ‘worthwhile’ ‘projects’

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Needwine999 · 10/10/2022 16:21

Sorry but what right has your husband to say that? No one knows how they will be as a parent until they are one.?

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SnackSizeRaisin · 10/10/2022 16:23

The main thing that makes parenting stressful is having an unsupportive partner. People who are naturally stressed out are used to being that way so that in itself isn't a huge problem. People who are usually chilled out can have a harder time adjusting to the inevitable stress of sleeplessness and lack of time to yourself.
Anyway reproducing is a basic human instinct, anyone can do it, it's not like choosing a career or something!

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Hawkins001 · 10/10/2022 16:24

@Alphabey
Based on your op, it sounds like you would crack under pressure and run a mile.
A child is for life not for Christmas.
Best advice, what about babysitting for friends to gain experience ?

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Hawkins001 · 10/10/2022 16:25

Needwine999 · 10/10/2022 16:21

Sorry but what right has your husband to say that? No one knows how they will be as a parent until they are one.?

Very true, but sometimes it helps to have an educated guess

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Hawkins001 · 10/10/2022 16:26

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/10/2022 16:23

The main thing that makes parenting stressful is having an unsupportive partner. People who are naturally stressed out are used to being that way so that in itself isn't a huge problem. People who are usually chilled out can have a harder time adjusting to the inevitable stress of sleeplessness and lack of time to yourself.
Anyway reproducing is a basic human instinct, anyone can do it, it's not like choosing a career or something!

"reproducing"

is usually the easy part, the difficult parts are actually being a parent and raising a child.

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Chloefairydust · 10/10/2022 16:27

Hey, sorry for being the asshole on the thread saying your being unreasonable but hear me out…

Presumably your husband knows you very well? And he’s worried about your anxious disposition?

Well speaking as a someone who grew up with an anxious parent (although I love my mum), all of her anxieties were projected onto me as a child. It’s actually a very toxic environment to grow up in and I was taught to worry and be fearful (not intentionally) throughout my childhood from her anxieties. I picked up on her anxiety very easily, and I’m very in tune with others emotions. Even if she didn’t say she was worried I could still sense it, all of the time.

I have as a result suffered with anxiety throughout my entire life. Which is really, really shit. Has made life Sooo difficult for me. I also wonder sometimes if there’s a genetic predisposition too.

Please seek help for your mental health before having a baby. Have therapy to treat the anxiety first…

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