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In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

211 replies

Wheninrome62 · 05/10/2022 11:16

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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NoNameChangeRequired · 05/10/2022 11:17

Say nothing.
Its her choice. You don’t get a say.

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TheWolves · 05/10/2022 11:18

Eh? Is this for real? Because it sounds like something a dickhead would write.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 11:18

It's her decision. She's 28. She's an adult. Get over it.

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RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 05/10/2022 11:18

I don't think you just decide something like that on a whim.

My guess is her and her boyfriend have talked about it, including her medical condition and what may or may not happen.

I think other than supporting her decision, you do nothing.

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Rapidtango · 05/10/2022 11:19

Beak out.

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CapMarvel · 05/10/2022 11:19

Mind your own business, perhaps?

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titchy · 05/10/2022 11:19

Oh I agree. Mother knows best eh. You should definitely tell her all that.
Perhaps write down a helpful list of all the things she's doing wrong with her life. After all she's just so young. What does she know about anything. Anyone would think she was a fully fledged adult with a responsible job, husband and mortgage!

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KimberleyClark · 05/10/2022 11:19

It’s not really your business.

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Midnights · 05/10/2022 11:20

Do not try and talk her out of it, that will ruin your relationship. You're being totally OTT. You actually sound highly strung yourself, but you managed to have a child!

I'm sure your adult DD and her fiancé are prepared for their lives to change, people live with babies in buildings without lifts all the time, people with high pressured jobs have babies all of the time.

If they're going through IVF the last thing they need is added stress from you going "oh but the state of the world" - "oh but you don't have a lift" - "oh your hard earned job!"

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Wheninrome62 · 05/10/2022 11:20

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 05/10/2022 11:18

I don't think you just decide something like that on a whim.

My guess is her and her boyfriend have talked about it, including her medical condition and what may or may not happen.

I think other than supporting her decision, you do nothing.

Thank you, I do hope that’s the case and more thought has gone in to this than I’m aware of. I think deep down I know I cannot say anything, but I’m really struggling to support it.

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lannistunut · 05/10/2022 11:20

You cannot be serious, to borrow a phrase!?!

Your post is so unsupportive and critical.

Millions of people in flats have babies, millions of professionals have babies.

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Peoniesandcream · 05/10/2022 11:21

@TheWolves 🤣 exactly

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User686545677 · 05/10/2022 11:22

Should she be sitting at home steaming and pureeing vegetables in preparation or something? Knitting baby blankets? Learning the names of dinosaurs? Trying to fathom what would make someone appear suited to motherhood…

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MrsLouisaJPickletops · 05/10/2022 11:22

  1. Nobody has children for altruistic reasons
  2. Why were the nineties better to have kids than now?
  3. Plenty of people have kids in Georgian flats in cities.
  4. Plenty of people have kids whilst renovating.
  5. IVF may take a lot of time so she may feel pressured even though she’s quite young.
  6. Has she asked me you to find IVF? If not then what’s the problem?!
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MolliciousIntent · 05/10/2022 11:22

Christ I'm glad you're not my mother.

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LemonSwan · 05/10/2022 11:22

My son was born this year. When I look at him I think well your breezing through the shit none the wiser. Am sure when he comes of age he’s going to be living in the hayday.

I think selfish is very strong. Two good professional jobs and a flat is an excellent starting point.

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Newusernameaug · 05/10/2022 11:23

Most mothers would be delighted to hear their daughter is going to try for a child - this is YOUR issue that you’re projecting onto her, I’d look at the real reasons why you don’t want her to have children.

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Musti · 05/10/2022 11:23

Wtf? No one is prepared for parenthood and it often requires changes in lifestyle etc. Lots of people also don’t think they want kids and then change their minds.

Maybe if she knew she couldn’t conceive naturally she talked herself into thinking she didn’t want any.

If their home isn’t fit for purpose they can sell and move. I’ve moved 6 times since having kids.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/10/2022 11:23

I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally.

Things weren't much better 29 years ago. Anybody with any sense could see that capitalism - the greatest pyramid scheme ever - was on its last legs & that humans were on a trajectory to make the planet uninhabitable for billions. Whatever were you thinking - bringing DD into this world?

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ChickinMarango · 05/10/2022 11:24

You’ve no clue what’s going on behind closed doors. People were under the assumption we didn’t want kids. Just from our attitudes, but behind closed doors were lots of fraught conversations including divorce!

We’ve now got two very lovely bundles of joy.

It’s not your choice, you don’t have a say. You can make sure it’s something she truly wants and is happy to embark upon but apart from that and being thoroughly supportive you need to keep quiet!

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Vonniee7 · 05/10/2022 11:24

You say nothing. She's your daughter and you support her. IVF is very hard and she'll need people to support her not condone her for her choices.

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FourTeaFallOut · 05/10/2022 11:24

Your support or not is immaterial, she letting you know - not asking for permission.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 11:24

It's fairly common for people who know they will struggle to conceive to say they don't want one to shut down a painful conversation.

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Doggydarling · 05/10/2022 11:24

Yep, I have advice. Shut up and mind your own business. It's simple.

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user568720164728553401928574738 · 05/10/2022 11:25

She's an adult. Back off and keep those negative thoughts you're having as thoughts and do not say them out loud to anyone.

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