In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

[luxxlisbon]

What an odd post, her lifestyle isn’t conducive to having a child? Because they have jobs and live in a Georgian flat??

It’s grim that you are basically saying your daughters personality means you think she wouldn’t be a good mum.
Maybe that’s why she didn’t share this info with you sooner and more openly.

You sound highly critical and not very supportive as a mother yourself. Back off, stop being judgemental and support your daughter during a difficult point in her life.

[DrManhattan]

Nothing to do with you

[GooglyEyeballs]

OP you need to give your head a wobble your post is absolutely horrible.

[KimberleyClark]

If DD was previously adamantly against having children but has changed her mind it may be worth exploring the reasons why, albeit in a supportive way. Having children should be as informed a choice as possible.

[Wheninrome62]

@GooglyEyeballs

OP you need to give your head a wobble your post is absolutely horrible.

I’m disappointed that I’m being criticised for posting my honest views anonymously to seek advice. Of course I would never relay my feelings to DD in the same way I have worded them in this post. DD and I have a good relationship and I’m generally very supportive

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Blimey I thought you were going to say she's living in a bedsit on her own with no money.

I have DDs in their 20s and I wouldn't dream of saying anything other than positive things, it's none of your business!

[Livinginanotherworld]

YABVU
Maybe do what most mothers would do and unconditionally support your daughter.
I feel sorry for her having to have such a negative influence in her life.

[hiredandsqueak]

She's not asking for your thoughts or permission just letting you know where she and her fiancé are heading. You should keep all your thoughts to yourself and your mouth firmly shut.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment

Well, that's your opinion. It's not hers.

Keep your beak out and mind your own business! Her body, her choice.

[35965a]

Say nothing. Try and reframe your thoughts - she has a supportive partner and they have good jobs. She’s in a good position to have a baby. She’s an adult and will have thought it through. Don’t project your own feeling about how hard parenthood is on to her. She isn’t you.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

It isn't your decision though, it's hers.

Accepting that she has the autonomy to change her mind on the matter, and direct her own life is crucial here. She isn't you or an extension of you and therefore doesn't need to share the same outlook on what future her child may have, what bearing her age has in her own mind, or any other issue in your post. Their finances, living situation and what they decide as a couple is their business alone as will their child be, should they be fortunate enough to be successful with the IVF. I don't think anyone undertakes IVF lightly.

Just try to be supportive. It doesn't sound like she wants it needs your input.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Wheninrome62

I’m disappointed that I’m being criticised for posting my honest views anonymously to seek advice. Of course I would never relay my feelings to DD in the same way I have worded them in this post. DD and I have a good relationship and I’m generally very supportive

But half of your reasons for thinking it's a bad idea are not real reasons (having jobs and living in a flat?) and the other half sound mean spirited and like you don't even like your daughter) What advise did you expect? You have no say in whether your adult daughter and her husband decide to have children

[Dodie66]

You are struggling with it because you are her mum and worry about her but you can’t say anything about it. Just be there for her. That’s all you can do

[Cw112]

I'm not sure it's any of your business OP. Noone starts a process like that especially expecting IVF without really thinking it through. There's every chance your DD has maybe felt it wasn't going to be an option for her and tried to mitigate that by saying she didn't want them and enjoying a life that others couldn't have but if they've decided that they want to start a family then they'll be aware of the changes they'll need to make etc. Naturally you care for her but you don't get to make that decision for her or talk her out of it either. Please be supportive as she'll need you throughout the process.

[Youweremybrotheranakin]

Part of having children is watching them make decisions that you wouldn’t choose yourself.

It’s tough, I know what you’re saying comes from a place of love, but it is her life.

Instead of focusing on all the reasons it will be hard/won’t work/is a mistake, try and pour your energy into practical ways you can support her.

You’re entitled to feel how you feel about it. You’re not entitled to meddle in her life or sway her choices. ❤️

[PaperwhiteTheGhost]

@TheWolves

Eh? Is this for real? Because it sounds like something a dickhead would write.

This.
No one is ready for parenthood until they have a baby. No one. How dare you decide that someone "isn't suited to motherhood". That is just off the scale rude.

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

She sounds like she will be a good mother. Stable job, big property. Sounds like she might be highly strung due to having a highly critical mother….

[Beamur]

Don't be tempted to have that conversation.
She and her fiance must have talked about this and decided it's what they want. She's obviously changed her mind.
They can move house.
They can change jobs.
Your DD may surprise you with her parenting skills.
Be loving and supportive. Really don't tell her you don't think she can do this.

[Hbh17]

Most people who try to conceive are doing it for selfish reasons. Looked at objectively, it appears to be a poor decision for her BUT it is her decision, with her partner. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and if my mother had ever tried to interfere with my choices in this way I would have been justifiably furious. Just stay out of it and - if it turns out to be a mistake - let her deal with the consequences.

[whatshouldIdo2022]

Nothing to do with you. My mum is like you and I'm so fed up with it I'm at the point of cutting contact with her because she just won't stop commenting and criticising and disapproving. I hope you haven't/don't say any of this to her.

[RoseslnTheHospital]

You daughter can't be that "highly strung" if she has a successful hard earned career, a successful relationship and owns a home!

You wouldn't have a child if you were in her position, or that's what you believe. But you are not your daughter. You aren't inside her relationship or personal life. What she wants to do is totally reasonable and nothing for you to get upset about or try to talk to her about.

I thought you were going to describe a situation where your daughter was in very poor circumstances, like unemployment, temporary accommodation, chaotic relationship, etc etc etc. That might be the only kind of situation where you could gently discuss the realities of becoming a parent in very much less than ideal circumstances.

[Alibro79]

This might be the worst thing I've ever read.

[Iguanainanigloo]

Omg... I can't believe this. Thought you were going to say she was 15 or something. Jesus op, show your daughter some love and support, and let her love her life the way she wants to. This is likely to be a very hard, emotional, journey ahead of her. Be her mum, and show her some support

[Glittertwins]

IVF has the best success rates for her age group. Maybe they've discussed the "we'll give it a go at least, that way we'll know without any what if" reasons.
I always said I didn't want children. I have two now. Maybe she she didn't want children with a previous partner?

[Viviennemary]

Its none of your business . I thought you were going to say she was very young. But she is a grown woman with what sounds like financial security. So let her get on with it.