In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

So everything was rosy in 1993, when you decided to conceive, @Wheninrome62? Mind your own business.

YABU and you sound like my late MIL who believed that she could dictate how many DC I would have, and that having DC is the only reason for being married.

Your DD is an adult and makes her own decisions.

Your DD has made her decision. You say nothing and are 100% supportive. Its called being a mother.

Excuse me? My mother is adored by all her brood and treated with kid gloves. Which is why I can see the toxicity and narcissism in the opening post.

Agree yabu - at the end of the day nothing you've said is insurmountable. If she had decided she wants kids and already knows she won't conceive naturally it makes sense to progress to ivf as soon as possible- some areas have an age cut off or very long waiting lists.

You could suggest to her that it would be a good idea to sort out issues with the flat sooner rather than later but other than that I'm sure she'll crack on. If she's smart enough to have a professional job I'm sure shes smart enough to realise it will be a pita lugging a baby up 3 flights of steps everytime she wants to go out and if she doesn't then she'll learn once she starts to do it and they can make a choice about moving then.

The only bit ywnbu is making clear now you won't be doing regular childcare if you think she is expecting this of you (and you don't want to) so she's going in fully informed that she/her partner/both will have to amend their working hours or spend a lot of money on childcare.

Who does and why?

I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

Hang on, hang on @Wheninrome62. If your DD is 28, you fell pregnant in the early 90s, with recent historical events being the AIDS crisis, IRA bombings, the Chernobyl disaster, the Falkland war, the Bosnian genocide, ethnic cleansing in Rwanda but to name a few awful things… by your own standards you shouldn’t have had your daughter either. Presumably you made your choice to “bring another life into the world” despite this and now you need to respect your daughter’s decision to do the same.

I was a nanny for two children who lived in a 6th floor flat with no lift. When I started the youngest was a year old, the older one was 5. Their parents were in demanding professional jobs. They made it work for them and the children. You soon get used to carrying the baby and bags like a pack animal up and down stairs.

Please tell me this isn’t real 😢 incredibly sad reading this 😢

Absolute rubbish.

Millions of women me included raised their children without any input from their own mothers for many many reasons ranging from didnt get on, to lived too far away, to their mothers already worked full time, to (like me) their mothers were in a care home with dementia, to their mothers had emigrated abroad, there are any number of reasons why grandmothers do not get involved in the care of their grandchildren and the mothers cope without that input.

And by the way reigatecastle, another totally justifiable reason for grandmothers not to get involved is a short message on learning of pregnancy "Congratulations, I am so happy for you, I hope the pregnancy goes well, I look forward to meeting the baby when it is born. Unfortunately I won't be able to help (no explanation is required by the way) but I would love to receive a photo or two occasionally if you want to send them"
End of story, no explanation no guilt. Your daughter will grow into a good mother, don't cite your own lack of help as a reason why your daughter should not have children ffs!

Good point. Either OP is an extremely anxious person or she has narcissistic tendencies.

You sound like my mum (and dad) who stopped talking to me for a while when I announced I was pregnant and that it would ruin my life and I wasn't ready. I was 32.

If they are financially stable that is great.

Is this to do with you not wanting to provide childcare? As my DM didn't either. It did upset me but I don't think any less of her because of it, not every grandparent wants that role. What hurt more is she was a dick about it and made my pregnancy all about her and my father and 'what they would be giving up' and how 'they didn't want to look after it'🙄. My DD wasn't even born!

Please don't be like this. Your daughter needs your support.

DD and I have a good relationship and I’m generally very supportive

You're not, though - you're pretending to be supportive to her face and have detailed your actual feelings in this post. As others have pointed out, they're not very supportive feelings at all.

That's not the same thing as genuinely being supportive.

What a horrible post OP.

If this is real, it's a great example of how some parents will never be proud of or happy with you, literally no matter what you do. OP thinks dd is terrible for having a great career and beautiful home in a wonderful location, and being in a happy relationship. I'm guessing having no career, being unemployed, owning a house in the country, renting and being homeless also aren't good enough for OP. So dd is really in a bind.

IME, any attempt by my mother to talk me into something (or out of it) had exactly the opposite effect. Even when she was right.

Try not to worry. Life is very surprising; and the older you get the more surprises unfold.

I have had the same thought as you; "what hell have we created for later generations. " But I first had it over a decade ago when it appeared we'd entirely missed the boat as grandparents. For various unhappy reasons there would be no grandkids. Socially, politically, it was almost a relief that we had no descendants.

Then to everyones intense surprise (especially theirs), late in the day, DS and his (I coulda told him but didn't , bad-choice) GF produced twins. Very predictably the partnership didn't last, but (separately) they are both great co-parents. In different ways, they balance each other.

Those children are SO the absolute light and joy of all our lives. The highly diverse and unlikely gang of late, surprised co-grandparents all absolutely united in ONE thing; securing our grandkids present fun, happiness and longterm future in all the ways open to us.

All the children know, is that their entire family circle loves them to bits. The world is still their oyster; and they are its pearls.

Grit your teeth.

Goodness.
your adult DD has a successful career and relationship.
she wants a baby.
but you think you know better than she does.
you don’t.
this decision is between her and her partner.
this is their lives.
if you can’t be supportive, then just butt out and keep your thoughts to yourself.

The OP has already made clear that’s not the issue as she lives hundreds of miles away.

Thank you though OP, because you've really made me think about my parents and given me an insight in to their minds. It wouldn't matter if I was a billionaire philanthropist and supermodel who had solved climate change and brought world peace, they'd still think I suck. But what they think is their problem.

I opened this thinking it'd be something like:

DD is 23, already has four kids, has been seeing a guy for two weeks, can't afford the ones she has, has no job, expects me to care for the kids, AIBU to think she's selfish for wanting to TTC?

But no... they're homeowners, with great careers, presumably stable finances, and a steady relationship. Why on earth are you concerned?

You’re right, I am and have always been very highly strung myself and sadly my daughter has the same trait. I know first hand how difficult motherhood is for people like me, I really struggled and if I had my time again, I’m not sure I’d have had DC. Though of course I love them dearly now.

Knowing that, experiencing that, why did you go on to have multiile children?

It's difficult. My mum didn't talk to me about childcare when I was ttc she did when I was actually pregnant though but I never had cause to think it would happen. You potentially don't think your dd would be suited to being a mum and I'd keep that to yourself quite frankly because it will be hurtful to hear. As for the timing and what's going on in the world we'll people have kids in times of war, famine etc. I'd keep shtum personally.

*well even.

@sasassytail how is her daughter being irresponsible?? She's an adult, in a stable relationship, financially independent and wants a baby? Exactly how much more responsible can you be? Her only mistake was telling her mum she'd changed her mind about having kids.

I have a professional job, live in a city and until a few years ago lived in a flat with my kids. I am not sure what's wrong with her dd set up. She has a career, a flat and is in a stable relationship. Surely this is the perfect time?