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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

211 replies

Wheninrome62 · 05/10/2022 11:16

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheninrome62 · 05/10/2022 11:25

Midnights · 05/10/2022 11:20

Do not try and talk her out of it, that will ruin your relationship. You're being totally OTT. You actually sound highly strung yourself, but you managed to have a child!

I'm sure your adult DD and her fiancé are prepared for their lives to change, people live with babies in buildings without lifts all the time, people with high pressured jobs have babies all of the time.

If they're going through IVF the last thing they need is added stress from you going "oh but the state of the world" - "oh but you don't have a lift" - "oh your hard earned job!"

You’re right, I am and have always been very highly strung myself and sadly my daughter has the same trait. I know first hand how difficult motherhood is for people like me, I really struggled and if I had my time again, I’m not sure I’d have had DC. Though of course I love them dearly now.

OP posts:
georgarina · 05/10/2022 11:25

Who decided you were allowed to have kids?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/10/2022 11:25

They have good jobs and income by the sounds of it.

They live in a flat- so did I until ds was 5, unless she's disabled why can't she walk up the stairs?

She's highly strung- so what? So are lots of people.

She's 28- she's right, she should be getting on with it especially if she needs IVF.

She didn't want a baby- plenty of people change their minds.

Say nothing,it's nothing to do with you.

decafsoyaflatwhite · 05/10/2022 11:25

I don’t think you sound like a dickhead. If she’s previously categorically said she doesn’t want children and now, at 28, she’s decided that she has then that sounds like a fairly fast turnaround. Do you think it might be that her partner is very keen to have them? Lots of people aren’t suited to being parents, it doesn’t make you a bad person or an unsupportive mother to privately think that your daughter might be one of those people and to worry about that. There are plenty of posters on here who admit that they while they don’t regret their children they do regret becoming mothers.

I imagine you will ruin your relationship with her if you tell her though, so I think you will just have to hope that you are wrong. Does her flat need a large amount of work doing to make it safe for a baby to live in, or is it just cosmetic work? If it is the former then I would gently initiate that conversation with her.

StopFeckingFaffing · 05/10/2022 11:25

Is this a reverse?

There is never an ideal time to TTC but aged 28 in a stable relationship and financially secure is a good start though

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2022 11:26

This reply has been deleted

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TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 05/10/2022 11:26

Please, please try to support her. Especially if she is going through IVF. If you don't, you could really damage your relationship for a long time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2022 11:26

Are you worried she’s planning to ask you for money got ivf or childcare down the line?

Willbe2under2 · 05/10/2022 11:26

I'm confused, it sounds as though your daughter and her partner are in a stable, long term relationship, have good, professional jobs and own their own home. Why exactly is ttc a problem?? What would they need to do to make it acceptable to you?

DatingIsDifficult · 05/10/2022 11:27

🍿🥤

Carry on OP, I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on how your daughter should live her life.

NCJustForThisOneTime · 05/10/2022 11:27

I think you need to be very careful to not let your ideology and world view influence the support and guidance you give your DD.

You believe that the world is not a good right now to bring a life into it and that is a valid view and one tjat many share. However, it's not a fact and it's also not common to let this view stop people from having kids. Most people are continuing having kids. (E.g. I don't think you are wrong but I did have two children inspite of that). Don't let your ideology impact your daughter. The way she sees the world and life and what she wants out of it will be different. You need to support her to live her best life according to her world view.

Second, none of the factors about her life style sound very extreme or difficult to overcome if they do have children. They seem rather trivial to be honest and wouldn't out off most people. Yes, women's careers suffer but again it's nothing unusual and probably nothing that she hasn't considered.

28 is young but not too young to be able to make this decision.

LateAF · 05/10/2022 11:27

You need to be supportive as possible. Absolutely do not try to convince her otherwise, do not tell her she doesn't have what it takes to be a mum, do not tell her she's selfish to be thinking of bringing a child into this world. Be there for her if the IVF doesn't work out the first few times, encourage her, do not give her any inkling that you think it's her fault for trying to conceive or that she shouldn't try to conceive.

Basically don't be a twat.

BeachStripes · 05/10/2022 11:28

So two adults, aged 28, who own their own property and have good jobs want to have a baby. Seems reasonable to me!

She knows she has fertility problems, getting on with it also seems reasonable.

Many people have babies in flats, the lack of lift may be a slight pain in the arse but it’s not insurmountable. And it sounds like should they decide they do need to move they would be in a position to do so.

It sounds like she’s thought about it. I think you just need to be supportive.

skgnome · 05/10/2022 11:28

Really?
she’s a full grown adult, and by the sounds of it she has her life together
no one has kids for altruistic reasons
no one is fully prepared
a lot of families live in flats
a lot of families live with renovations
lots of high earners with high pressured jobs have kids
she didn’t want kids and now she does, people change
IVF is long, then there’s pregnancy, even if she has not thought it all… no one does, she has time
you feel she has not thought about it? Just because she didn’t discussed with you her whole thought process doesn’t means she decided on a whim
you just support her as much or as little as you want

JustJoinedRightNow · 05/10/2022 11:29

This actually has nothing to do with you. How awful that you describe her as being very highly strung. Awful post.

cantley · 05/10/2022 11:29

You sound extremely anxious but you have absolutely NO control over your adult daughter's life.
She's not 18, she's a grown woman of 28.
Please keep your negative feelings to yourself and don't wreck your relationship with her.
( I also have a 28 year old daughter).

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 05/10/2022 11:31

You have had your turn, now its hers. She can manage plenty aspects of her life so why put a downer on her positive plans. At least she knows she needs IVF rather than having years of being fobbed off.

TabithaTittlemouse · 05/10/2022 11:31

She’s going to need a lot of support.

Being a parent to adult ‘children’ sometimes involves a lot of biting your tongue. You may not always agree with their decisions but you need to let them decide as adults what is best for them. Be there for her regardless of your beliefs.

Everydayimhuffling · 05/10/2022 11:32

She's not you, OP. The fact that you struggled doesn't mean she will, but having your support rather than condemnation may really help her to manage better. I think your own challenges with motherhood are the key thing here, not her circumstances. Perhaps think about what made it so difficult for you personally. Is there any way you could support her in those aspects?

pbdr · 05/10/2022 11:32

I had my first baby last year and I am so glad my mum was loving, supportive and happy for me. She's a brilliant grandma to my little girl and my baby has been the greatest joy of my life, despite any hardships.
I think how much of the joy of the past year would have been sapped if my mum had been unsupportive, trying to talk me out if having her, implying I was unfit to be a mother. Thank goodness she wasn't like you. Your poor daughter and poor future grandchild.

Original poster
Wheninrome62 · 05/10/2022 11:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2022 11:26

Are you worried she’s planning to ask you for money got ivf or childcare down the line?

No not at all. They intend to privately fund the IVF themselves from what I’m told. Though of course, I’m not sure they have the funds for multiple rounds. Childcare simply won’t be an option from me as I live many miles away.

OP posts:
gymbopo · 05/10/2022 11:33

Nothing to do with you. Support your daughter.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2022 11:33

So you had your kids in the halcyon days of the 1990s when the world was full of hope and it was a great time to birth children 🙄 but now we should all just stop having kids for a few decades until the world ends or its a nicer place?

Please don't put your regrets onto your daughter. She isn't you. She isn't a child. And you can't do IVF on a whim.

pinkpotatoez · 05/10/2022 11:33

She's not a child? None of your business, she's not asking you for your opinion she's telling you that you may be a grandma soon.

RIPQueen · 05/10/2022 11:34

LOL

because the economy and the world was in such a fantastic place 29 years ago when you decided to have a baby 😆😆😆😆

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