In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

I thought the punchline was going to be that she was 18! Don't be ridiculous, it's her choice and I'm sure she's thought it through.

This is absurd: I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally.

Are you for real? You seriously cannot think of a single reason why someone might want to have children? I actively chose to bring my children into the world because I wanted to have children. I can afford them and would rather sacrifice other things than not have them.

Haha- she doesn't need your permission. Mind your own business.

PS - People have babies the world over in shanty towns with no running water and often very little food or healthcare.

I am sure your DD and her partner - with their good City salaries and Georgian London flat - will manage a single baby just fine.

If your DD has a baby and has to lug the Bugaboo up three flights of stairs continually they may well find they become less attached to the Georgian flat and decide to move. Which they can then do, if they wish. Or not, if they don't mind it.

I think we share the same mum. What is funny, she's hoping for a friendly relationship. No way. It's like sleeping with enemy.

I’m disappointed that I’m being criticised for posting my honest views anonymously to seek advice.
Why? Your opinions do not make you exempt from scrutiny. People are rightly pointing out this is none of your business and your attitude to your daughter starting a family isn’t pleasant.

What do you want here? For people to tell you you’re right and they’re stupid for every contemplating it? This isn’t an echo chamber, so perhaps you should listen to what people are saying and check yourself before you potential upset your daughter and ruin your relationship.

Why should the daughter sit and "explore her reasons" though? OP is her mother, not her therapist, and it doesn't sound like the daughter is asking for her opinion.

She's 28 years old. She's perfectly entitled to decide to have a baby without explaining her reasons.

It'll either be that she didn't really mean it l, she just didn't want to keep talking about her fertility, or she changed her mind. Either way, it's no ones business bur her's and her partners.

I've voted you are being unreasonable but I would check one thing. Make sure it's not the fiancé pushing for the baby. And make sure if it is that she gets as firm a commitment from his as possible that he will pull his weight.

I thought you were going to say your DD was still a teenager living at home!

YABU. They sound like they are in a good position tbh.

She is 28 and you are complaining that she should not be trying to conceive because of her unsuitable accommodation (flat)?
Eh?
The only justifiable reasons for expressing concern are:

• if the process of conceiving might threaten your daughters life; or
• if you know for an absolute fact that at this current time the father of the child is abusive and a threat to no only the baby but also your daughter

The rest of it is probably none of your business?

Perhaps she’s always said she doesn’t want children as a defence mechanism because of the fact that she can’t have one naturally. Far easier to convince yourself to convince yourself you don’t want something.

also, don’t most young married couples have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself naturally to children…until they come along. Isn’t that kind of the point. My and my husband now have two under two but until 2020 both had work hard/play hard lifestyles. We’d regularly have weekends away, eat out in michelin star restaurants, frequent wine bars at the weekend, holiday in adult only all inclusives in the Caribbean etc! We don’t do that anymore of course but does the fact that we used to mean we make bad parents? Of course it doesn’t. It means we did all of that and now have a very different but very rewarding life!

IVF can be a long a difficult road. I think you need to be more supportive as your daughter may well need the support from her mother.

Same here re joke. And same advice.

OP, I can't relate to "I'm struggling to support her". Your daughter is a responsible adult with a good job, a decent partner, and her own home. I am struggling to see any reasons not to support her (even if she needed your support, which she actually doesn't). She's right about needing to get started with TTC at 28, too. There's no way to know how long it will take. And even if she became pregnant on the first attempt, 28 is not exactly young to have a baby. I was described in my notes at "elderly primigravida" 20 years ago, when I was 29.

I get that you are anxious and worried for your daughter, and you feel she shouldn't rock the boat when they are both doing well.

Thing is though, you obviously did get to experience Motherhood, so you can't really lecture her that she shouldn't? I don't think you are a horrible Mother. I do think you are very anxious about the world, and should invest some energy into calming your mind down so you can embrace their decision and be as supportive as possible.

Easy for people to tell you to mind your own business.

Once she has a baby she'll expect you to help with childcare.

And then you'll be the miserable granny for not agreeing to help and upend your life and fulfil your grandmotherly duties.

I don't think you should say anything. She is an adult, has a supportive partner and a good job and a home. It's their decision and quite frankly your opinions on whether new lives should be brought into the world could apply at any time including presumably the 90s when you had her. Just support her as a mother should.

None of your business and ‘her life will be changed forever’ - why is that automatically a bad thing? Very narrow minded.

Ultimately it's not your decision to make but I can understand your concerns. As her mother you only want the best for her.

I think it's fine to talk things through with her but this needs to be done in a supportive way without criticising her. Being a parent is hard and if she decided that's what she wants then she'll need and want her mothers support.

I was engaged to a guy years ago. When I told my mum she basically told me it was the worst mistake I'd ever make and listed several reasons why my then fiancé would make a terrible husband. All this did was push me away. Ultimately she was right about him and I discovered this for myself thankfully before any wedding. But really she went about things the wrong way.

I think some of the things in your post, although not ideal aren't end of the world. Plenty of people raise kids in the city or in flats. Plenty of professionals have kids and manage to maintain their careers. If they're both professionals they're likely more financially stable than a lot of families. If people waited for everything to be perfect before starting a family no one ever world.

Well it's just as well you live miles away;you have an excuse to visit once every 6 months and send cards and presents in the post then.

My friend has a highly strung mother like you who a opinion on everything in her life,criticises everything she does and make it quite obvious she doesn't really like being a grandmother and even more so a great grandmother now.

My friend is deeply hurt by her mums behaviour.My friend has also made a good mum and her circumstances were less than ideal when her eldest was born but she's managed well enough and her now eldest is a fully fledged adult and a credit to his mum.

voted YABU but has a 'depends' in it. If you genuinely think she's jumping without thinking it through then talk to her.

But ultimately not many of your points make a difference other than that one

• if they're both professionals then they might financially be in a good position for one to take maternity leave and/or get a nanny/nursery
• We lived in a 3rd floor flat with a baby for a couple of years it was fine - babies are small, get a lightweight buggy, no problem. If they can't make it work, they'll move
• world is depressing - blimey thats their call not yours

So true! 😂

I think you may need counselling to try and understand why you want to sabotage your own daughter and why you feel you have the right to interfere in their adult lives.

I wonder why she's highly strung? I'm betting you've expressed doubts about her capability since she was a child

But her DD isnt ‘immature’

she has a high flying job, her own flat and is planning a wedding.
Nothing about that screams ‘immature’ to be

Btw, My dad would describe me as ‘highly strung’, which is just another way of saying ‘won’t put up with his bullying bullshit’ and ‘won’t roll over and do what he demands’

Given the rest of OPs post and description of her DD, I’m taking the ‘highly strung’ label with a pinch of salt, and wonder if it says more about OPs expectations than DDs personality

"DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood"

Wow. That's unkind.

Wind your neck in OP

It wouldn't surprise me if your daughter ends up on MN at some time in the future, asking if she should go NC with her controlling mother.

The OP has already said she won't expect that as they live far away from each other......