In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

Why are you treating you adult daughter as if she is an idiot?

Just keep out of it, or better still offer some support.

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable... what on earth makes you think your opinion matters at all?

Also you should seek help for your irrational views of the world instead of dumping your anxiety on your daughter... the world is better than ever for bringing children into, I mean 100 years ago an infected paper cut could easily mean death and winter smog litrally killed hundred, we live in the age of progression and its only getting better.

At 28, good job, stable relationship, owns own home and with known fertility issues…I would say she is sensible to start now if this is what she feels she wants for her future.

What your perceive to be her struggles with motherhood are to do with your perception of how you see her as your daughter, and does not mean that she won’t make an excellent job of motherhood.

Who are any of us to know what kind of mother we will be before we are one, I am certainly not the mother I envisaged before I actually became one myself.

As for bringing a baby amid the current plights of the world, there will always be reasons not to have a baby, in fact there are always many more reasons against than for, and if we all traded on waiting until the conditions were perfect would never have babies at all!!

Your DD sees her circumstances and timing as perfect or as perfect as they are going to get for her. For the sake of your relationship with her and any future grandchildren I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself and support her. It’s not like she’s some wayward teen, with no job and a flakey boyfriend, she’s a competent adult with a job, a partner and a home. As a parent myself I would be happy for any child of mine to start a family in those circumstances.

Wow. Just wow.
it sounds as if she’s being sensible, if she has fertility issues then she should absolutely get in with it.
one of your issues is that they both have good jobs? Hopefully your DD professional job comes with decent maternity pay and her DPs. job should help cover the bills. Oh, and lots of kids grow up in cities…

I would’ve rather ate my own poop than told my mum I was trying to conceive. Even though we always had close and good relationship. In fact, I told her all my life I don’t want any children at all (and then I told her I don’t want second one ever) and then went on to have 2 children. I’m what a lot of people would describe highly stung, prior to kids I used to live in a flat in London, indulge in expensive get always, designer clothes and high cuisine restaurants. Was never maternal really. … and I adore my kids! My life is absolutely pointless without them. They made me much better person. Even though we now moved out of London and struggle with one salary I wouldn’t change them for the world.

You don't get a say she's 28 support her. She's actually being very wise doing it at this age rather than waiting until her late 30s early 40s as lots do.

Wow. This is a heartbreaking post. In the kindest way, you are projecting your feelings/experience as a mother onto your daughter. You sound very critical and negative towards your daughter. And to already say you won't be offering childcare is very harsh and sounds uncaring. How do you know they will even want you to look after their child?

I know you won't say any of what you've said here to your daughter and that you wanted to just vent anonymously here but please be excited and supportive to her.

There is nothing wrong with a woman of 28 wanting a child and she and her partner are the only people who should be involved in such a decision. Many people have children in accommodation which is not the ideal for kids ...especially in the city with prices the way they are. Some move out to the suburbs later to something more comfortable using profit from the original flat ...some don't. In any event their decision. If she has a well paid career she and partner are better placed to fund childcare so she and he can continue their careers if that is their wish ...again their decision.You seem over invested in their decisions ...especially as you are not in a position to provide childcare so any decision doesn't impact on your daily life. Be as supportive as you can. If you really can't support in any way best to say nothing.

You opened yourself up to criticism by posting in this section. I don't think there's any problem with constructive criticism and it can help us see things from another perspective ans grow as a person.

I learned the hard way never to start a thread in AIBU. Of course not everyone is going to agree with you and have every right to tell you YBU but loads of people on this section think it's perfectly fine to name call and be downright rude to a complete stranger.

You mustn't say anything OP! I can't understand why you would think that a) you get a say or b) your daughter wouldn't cope with motherhood. She sounds much more together than I was when I had my first and mine turned out alright.

Also, it's impossible to predict how people will be as parents. Bear in mind that she may not be 'highly strung' (!!!) in every aspect of her life. I don't mean to be harsh but you may well not see the best of her if you feel you're entitled to stick your beak in on deeply personal life choices, that would be enough to make most people feel highly strung.

According to OP they live away from family in the city alone and no most people I know do not greatly have grandparents helping out (in fact a lot of my friends parents are either dead or sick/disabled).

The assumption that they would demand anything is just that an unfounded assumption that doesnt even fit in with what OP wrote.

You can dress it up how you want but you're basically concerned she will be a bad mum. Wrong housing, wrong job, wrong personality. Keep quiet, smile and get excited because its happening with your without you.

Is this a reverse?

Two upwardly mobile, educated 28 year olds that own their own home have decided to have a baby.

Keep your opinions to yourself

@Wheninrome62 if you want to have any sort of positive relationship with your daughter and any children she might have, do not say anything. Your post comes across as very unsupportive of her choices and her hopes, so I really hope she never realises this is what you think.
Very few people have everything in their life 'child-ready' when TTC. Your daughter sounds to be in a good position though already - 2 professional jobs, a property, planning for the process of TTC through IVF. If it helps reassure you, DC and I are doing just fine in our top floor flat with no lift, my career is fine too, and childcare is managed (so far!) without any relatives nearby.

You should dread the unhappiness your daughter might face later if she doesn't pursue her wish. You have no idea what infertility or IVF means!

1. plenty of professionals living in the city and working in high pressure jobs have children and cope just fine
2. her career absolutely doesn't have to suffer. Mine certainly hasn't!
3. you might think her flat is unsuitable but I'm sure plenty of people have children in similar accommodation and if further down the line they realise it isn't working, they can sell the flat and move to a house in the suburbs
4. as others have said her saying she didn't want children may well have been her trying to convince herself that was the case
5. family support isn't the be all and end all. We have no family nearby and it's a bit tough juggling everything, but we cope ok
6. what is best or her is what she wants to do. What you think is best for her is irrelevant and she will not appreciate you trying to talk her out of it. Don't do it.

Mind your own business. Unless you will be carrying the baby for her I fail to see why this has absolutely anything to do with you? She's 28 and in a good job by the sounds of it, if she knows it'll be hard to conceive she really should get on with it. Their life, not yours.

Maybe as she's older she's just changed her mind. I know prior to 30 I'd have said no I won't have kids I now have 2 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU. I would wonder if DD said she never wanted children due to her health condition, rather than it being how she actually felt. Perhaps she was shielding you by saying it.

It's a strange choice of words to say she is selfish for TTC, particularly when she may have a more difficult experience than most.

So your issues are (not that it is any of your business as she's a grown up who isn't expecting you to pick up the slack):

• IVF is expensive. You say they are both professionals so are likely to have worked out finances.
• a medical condition. I'm sure she's looked at that and is aware of how to manage it.
• a flat that needs work. Plenty of people have babies in homes that need renovation
• flat is on the 3rd floor. Presumably they carry up shopping, all the items needed to renovate the flat, furniture etc. Every other family who live in a flat manage.
• highly strung. She'll find her way. It might help her.
• the state of the world. Yeah, OK I agree with you on that one but at the same time, people need to live and not be scared of the future.
• never wanting a baby before. I was adamant I didn't want to get married or have a baby. Then I changed my mind and did. IVF is a very considered decision so it seems very clear she has changed her mind.

Don't tell her any of this. She will back away from you and IF anything doesn't work out as planned, she will be unlikely to come to you as you'd made it clear you didn't approve.

Your DD is highly strung? Wonder where she got that from. Did you not cope well with parenthood op?
She sounds really sensible and has clearly thought it all out. At 28 it's absolutely none of your business.

Haven’t read the thread but YAB(extremely)U. Aside from anything else, I live in a 3rd floor flat with no lift in a city. I have one child already and am pregnant currently with number 2. Was it ideal with a baby? No, but it was certainly doable - so much so in doing it again - and the area is great for kids which outweighed any negatives - or we would have moved! Many others in my block also have kids, downstairs have 3 including twins. I suspect you would also call me highly strung, but I managed fine despite no family support. I had a changing backpack, a sling and a yoyo buggy. Your DD isn’t even pregnant yet. If they find the flat doesn’t work for them, and they both have good jobs, maybe they’ll move. So what?! Back off, as if you think you can make such an important life choice for your DD, never mind use their home as one of the reasons! Stairs keep you fit.

This is nothing to do with you.

The mere fact you even know she’s trying to conceive is too much information in itself..

Mind your own and get on with your own business.

Wow all the replies to the OP are absolutely vile. She is only feeling concern for the future child(ren). OP's daughter sounds irresponsible and has underestimated how big a lifestyle change having children is. Straight away everyone jumps down OPs throat for genuinely being concerned when there are so many children born into the wrong situations it's so sad.

You all sound like you're really horrible to your mothers too. Typical mumsnet.