In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

What a vile post.

Given the emotional/ mental and financial cost of IVF I'd be surprised if the decision to proceed has been taken lightly.

So what if they're professionals whose lifestyle isn't child friendly now? People evolve. I'm a "City professional" and lived a very non child friendly lifestyle. I adapted and genuinely enjoy and glean so much satisfaction from my children whilst continuing to work in my original role.

If the flat is that unsuitable they'll figure it out and if necessary move. Unless your dd is begging/demanding help from you about any of this you need to keep your opinions to yourself - the adage "if you can't say anything nice..." springs to mind.

Don't get involved, she's 28.
Her decision completely.

Having children is a shock, but she will adapt like most people do.

Best be supportive of her decision.

What are they like now, Green?

I think you need to separate out what's an actual issue and what you are catastrophising.

Eg. They are aware they don't have a lift. They will manage this. They are aware of the 'state of the world' and its absolutely not anything to do with you, who adds to this population.

Personality - there is no way you can speak to her without it sounding like 1. You're criticising her personality and 2. You wish you'd never given birth to her so forget this.

Career may be affected but it does depend on how supportive her partner is or if they have enough money for a nanny or au pair

No one knows how difficult it is to have a baby and how it will affect your life, health, job and relationship, until they do it. No one. But actually, I think lots of people could do with some discussion before they TTC. Not advice, but discussions and questions. To me, the people who manage best with kids and career are those who have supportive partners - not partners who 'help' them but partners who do an equal share. Ie half of drop offs and pick ups, half of emergency leave when kids are ill, half of night wakings, share finances etc etc. You hear it so many times on here, women who regret their decision in having kids because their partner is doing nothing so everything falls to them, and the warning signs were there, but they didn't really relate how the situation before the baby would relate to the situation after the baby.

So I think it's ok, as long as you are positive and supportive about it, to ask questions about have they thought what they might do for childcare and how that would fit with both their jobs, would they share paternity leave, etc. Both only in passing, because it might not even happen

Stop passing your issues to your daughter, get help with them.

I'm not sure why you're disappointed to be criticised, 100000s of women enjoy motherhood.

Your daughter as an adult has made a decision, it's her life not an extension of yours.

How is she selfish?

IVF - not selfish
Professional job - not selfish
Flat - not selfish

Not supporting your child with a difficult event (IVF) - selfish

How is she irresponsible, I really sant see it?

She's 28, got a good job, relationship, property and is planning a baby?

Really what is irresponsible?

She's getting roasted cos she's a narcissistic

What single thing makes the DD sound irresponsible @sassytail ?

She’s a hone owning adult with a good job, a long term partner, and she’s made a considered decision about having children. Where’s the irresponsibility exactly?

I’d be hurt if I knew my mum was gossiping about my fertility to strangers. You have no right to call her selfish for wanting a child. People change their minds, she’s entitled to go for it if that’s what she wants for her own life. You had children so you’re aware how it feels to be judged for choices you make as a parent, why would you want to tarnish your own daughter with outdated views? Let her live her life and keep out of it. I hope you will be a more supportive grandmother than you are as a mother as you may just destroy your relationship with her if you continue to look down at their decision as a couple, therefore lose contact with the future grandchild you wish to not be born.

Just because your a bad mother that wishes you could cease your childrens existance and take it all back and since you cant you want to ban the chain from continuing does NOT mean anyone else thinks like that.

You sound like you have some SERIOUS issues, Im not being mean but I genuinely think you should get some therepy, you may even be carrying some form of PPD all these years later but you certainly shouldnt be wishing your kids and grandkids out of existance.