In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

I always said I didn't want children because I thought I had fertility issues (extremely irregular cycle, PCOS, etc). After some counselling I realised it was a defense mechanism for myself that if I told people I didn't want kids and it didn't happen then nobody would do the pitiful "aw and she has no family" shite, and for myself to hide my disappointment! So I can understand why she has said that in the past given she knows it can't happen naturally for her. People can change their minds.

As for the "state of this world" nobody has any idea what it's going to be like. Ridiculous argument. Living your life by what ifs is ridiculous!

You list why she is a perfectly well functioning, successful adult and yet appear to regard her as a child.
You need to step back. Your daughter has grown up.

My mother has a lot of opinions about my life and is quite vocal and controlling about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. She has boundary issues like you. We rarely speak anymore by my choice. I just can’t be bothered with it all anymore.

So two well paid professionals have chosen to try for a family after acquiring a home with extra space for a baby.

And your problem is ...?

Things have changed since you had dcs. They can now split 12 months maternity leave between them, take flexible working etc. And who needs a lift? We're talking about a baby, not a grand piano.

I lived in a flat with dbaby for a year. Baby on sling, laptop case in one hand, Tesco bag in the other. I did it by myself too, dp was 85 miles away.

You need to smile and be more supportive.

My mother was not that supportive of my having children. Her view was coloured by the fact DH’s birth mother (he was adopted) had a history of serious mental illness and she was worried it would be inherited). I think she would also chosen not to have children herself but it wasn’t really a choice in the early 60s. In the event we weren’t able to have children due to fertility issues anyway.

The issue is that you clearly regret your choice to have children.

Hence your belief that your much-like-you DD will also regret it.

She’s not you. And even if she is like you and does regret it then - like you - she gets to make her own choices.

Deal with your own regrets rather than destroy your relationship with your daughter.

It's none of the OP's business!

It is your job to shut and smile nicely

really this post is absolutely awful! And it's a bit insulting - my husband & I last year bought a converted Georgian flat, no lift / steps up to the front door. I suppose our flat is "unsuitable" for our baby by your standards.. I manage - got a light pram, i can get it up the stairs myself with her in it - i can take her out and carry her up/down the stairs and fold the buggy 1 handed! not ideal but what can you do!

We have lots of parks so she gets plenty of fresh air - she has her own room, it's absolutely tiny - but she doesn't mind!

We have no family nearby to help - but there is a such thing as Childcare - we pay for her to attend nursery 4 days a week and share the drop off and pickups between us as a couple.

We pay for a babysitter or have a friend look after her when we want a night out

I think you might be projecting your issues with motherhood onto your daughter. You may be very similar but that does not mean she will react in the same way that you did.

From an unemotional, outsiders perspective, it sounds like she is financially and emotionally more ready than a lot of people are. IVF success is better at a younger age so it would be silly to wait for an arbitrary reason.

Maybe reading this thread will help you see it from a different perspective. But, and I mean this kindly, perhaps you should find someone to talk about your feelings around motherhood if you are still struggling to support your daughter weeks down the line.

This is one time I actually hope you're a journalist trying to wind everyone up....

i could be your daughter or my sister.
We've both struggled to conceive, we both have jobs, i even live in another country to my family. We both got support from our parents when we decided to go through this process and that's what i hope your daughter gets. If she struggles to conceive she needs a supporting mum that is there to pick her up when she just wants to cry... be that mum... otherwise you might lose your daughter

Not your decision.

As someone who is undergoing fertility treatment at the moment, I completely understand why your DD is doing this now. There really is a biological price for what we think we can put off until later so maybe you should consider that.

Gosh. DH and I decided to have DC when we were both in 'professional careers' whatever that means. We both worked in investment banking, so living in London, in about as pressurised jobs as you can get - both working 12+ hours a day and enjoying the lifestyle that goes with it. We were also living in a 3 bed, 3rd floor flat, it was fine, babies don't take up much space. Our families were living over 3hrs away, but given our careers, paying for quality childcare wasn't an issue.

I'm still in IB, having DC doesn't mean you have to give up your career, (I was promoted whilst on maternity leave), ours has enabled us to pay for 2 x sets of school fees, plus move to a bigger 4 bed house when DC2 came along. We still work long hours, but not so into the party lifestyle we enjoyed pre-DC, lots of professional people change their lifestyle a bit when DC come along, it's really not unusual.

I hadn't been particularly maternal, until I suddenly was, then having DC became a priority - we had to have some extra medical support, given a condition I have and some genetic testing beforehand due to an inherited condition on DH's side. DC are 10 and 13 now, healthy, happy and the joy of our lives,

Wow - I'd be glad you loved miles away if I were her!

I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

It was so good 29? years ago when you had your dc?

www.historic-newspapers.co.uk/blog/1993-timeline/

Really rude OP. You are basing this on your own experience which is unfair. Noone can possibly be prepared fully for a child, and every new parent has to adapt.

We have just had another baby which we are thrilled about (despite being told multiple times my children will be to blame for everything in the future), my FIL reaction when we told him was 'dear god, just why?'. What a knob. Atleast pretend to be pleased and supportive....

You wont be allowed to say it here but i agree with you op-my dsis has never wanted children and hasnt got he right personality very immature -if she said she wanted a child now id talk her out of it

I thought you were going to say she was 17 and living at home and skint. But she’s 28, good job, own house and in a relationship. It sounds like a good time to start IVF. I met my husband at age 28, and yet due to fertility problems and then IVF rounds. I had children at 35 and 38. And in all honesty I wish I started the whole process sooner.

Maybe put "Children of Narcissistic Mothers" in her stocking this Christmas. Sounds like she could do with it.

Op sounds awful...

You cannot be serious...

Hmm .. you aren't a stakeholder consultation group, unfortunately. You're her mother.

She and her partner decide if they want to try or not.

You respect that decision and then you provide whatever level of support with the baby (if there is one) and to her (as a mother, if she becomes one) that you feel able to offer.

Given the need for IVF it sounds like a wise decision not to wait forever. They sound financially well set up and although you may not have made that choice yourself, she will be able to afford good quality childcare for her baby, if she has one.

At first I thought this was a joke thread but in case you are being serious OP, then please don’t let your own feelings toward motherhood influence your advice to your DD.

Jesus you sound controlling.

She has a long term partner. A home and a career. Butt out.