In thinking DD is selfish for TTC

[Wheninrome62]

DD has told me that she and her fiancé have decided to initiate the process of having a baby. She already knows she cannot conceive naturally due to a health issue, so this involves IVF treatment and potentially a lot of money and disappointment. It is news to me, as DD had always previously said she categorically didn’t want any children and I fully supported this, as they have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to parenthood (both professionals living in the city with pressured jobs and have only recently bought a large old Georgian flat which needs work AND is on the 3rd floor with no lift!), not to mention the fact that DD is very highly strung and I’m not sure she’d cope well with motherhood, particularly as they wouldn’t have any family living nearby to help and they are set on remaining in the city in the unsuitable flat.

DD is only 28 yet her rationale is that time is running out and she doesn’t want to regret it later down the line if she doesn’t go for it. I don’t think the gravity of such a decision has really been thought out, the fact their lives will be changed forever and professionally her hard earned career will suffer. I also can’t imagine how anyone would actively choose to bring another life into this world at the moment, given how depressing things our financially and environmentally. I dread to think how much worse the world will be in 20 years from now too.

I love DD dearly and only want what’s best for her. If I don’t at least try to talk her out of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, but at the same time I value our closeness and don’t want to ruin it. Any advice greatly appreciated

I would love to know what you thought about the world was so great 29 years ago when you so desperately wanted to contribute to the world's rapidly growing population back the. I don't have any comment on your daughter and her boyfriend though.

You're projecting your own opinions on your DD (and everyone else who is chasing to have a baby right now by saying you can't imagine how anyone would want to). Doesn't really matter what you can want or imagine.

You are a mother... did you ever get frustrated when people forced their opinions on you? I'd suggest you either give her your full support or leave well alone. If my mum wasn't fully supportive of my pregnancy I'd be devastated. Although I have no personal experience, I understand that ivf is brutal emotionally and physically and she wouldn't be doing it if she didn't want to. you don't know the ins and outs of her relationship, so although you might be surprised by her decision, she's definitely not being 'selfish'.

As for the flat, people have babies in flats all the time. If it's what she wants, then it sounds fantastic. Georgian flats are stunning, lucky baby IMO!

aww this is really sad. I would be really hurt if my mum wrote this, especially how scary and emotional this journey will be for her and your saying you cant support her with this decision. I hope her partner's mum is more supportive.

Wow! People change their mind about having children, I always thought I wouldn't want them but things change. When I struggled to conceive it was the worst period of my life. If she is going to have IVF she needs your support. This won't have been decided on a whim. Please be kind to her and think before you speak to her.

I also said I would never have children. Absolutely not interested in the slightest, until I turned 27, and something "flicked" and it was all I could think about. 2 children later, and they are the best thing I've ever done in my life. Being a mum has made me the person I am today, and I am forever grateful of my lovely little family.

Good grief. I was in the same position as your DD in that I found out relatively early I was going to have problems conceiving, and then had to get on with it sooner than I'd have ideally liked, but still with a stable partner and job.

I'd have been very upset if a family member decided to judge me on this, particularly as you seem to be projecting wildly and have absolutely no intention of supporting her through any of it anyway.

If you've got any sense keep your mouth shut, although I actually hope it dawns on your DD how you really think of her and she gets a chance to re-evaluate how close a relationship she wants with you.

What advice do you need though? Your daughters womb and sex life aren’t your business. You voicing your thoughts on her having a kid would be simply stating obvious things she likely already knows.

Having a kid is phenomenally selfish.

I think your post is a bit ironic really.

YOUR job is to support her regardless of what she chooses to do. That doesn't mean you have the agree with it, but you're her mother and you need to support her the best you can.

If you can't do that, maybe YOU shouldn't have had kids.

You're also tone-deaf. I mean, you're on a mum's forum with hundreds or thousands of young mum's, saying people shouldnt have babies in this climate?

So, do you want the population to die out?

I think you can gentle question your daughter on how practical her flat would be with one or two babies (twins are more likely with IVF) and whether she is thinking she'd be able to work part time etc.

But you have no right to project your own bitter thoughts onto her. People with health issues deserve the chance to be mother's too

You made your choice and had a child. She’s making her choice. But nice work twisting “home owner with a professional job” into a parenting negative?!

You sound overbearing can't imagine what you will be like as a grandmother.

Honestly it's hard not to be critical of such a horrible post

I'm afraid you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. Having said that, I do understand your concerns. A third floor flat with no lift does sound like a PITA with a child and pram. Doable but still a pain. No family support sounds daunting too although again, plenty of people manage.

Perhaps get her to consider these things - I'm sure she already has done but there might be things you could suggest that would make her life easier, having been there, done that yourself. Help her make plans. Encourage her to think about WOH vs. SAHM, the cost of childcare, the lack of adult company/conversation etc.

I understand your concerns ,but at the end of the day its her and her partners choice! Many of us struggle to see "our Children" one day becoming parents themselves.If they are considering IVF then they are obv serious about it.I would leave them to it really .Sometimes the most unlikely people become good parents and those we thought would be a breeze less so.The world is never perfect ,those people having "war babies" in WW2 and since dont have a sunny outlook .Yet those people were optimistic and that older Baby Boomers have some of the best opportunities !

You got a very odd view about your adult daughter wanting to start a family with her long term partner. This is not normal behaviour.

I’m yet to meet someone who had a baby for anything other than selfish reasons.

I found this so sad to read. So little pride or admiration for your daughter and who she is. what she’s achieved. Quite hard to see the negativity towards her personality and character, which seemingly hasn’t stopped her excelling in her career, or meeting a loving partner that she trusts enough to share her medical issues with and pursue a future with..

Have you considered that all the points you raise and your negative and odd response to your daughter wanting to take the next natural step in life (stable relationship, good jobs, own property, financially secure and in charge of her own body and fertility) are completely about you and your own issues and problems? I would suggest maybe you look into getting yourself some help to talk this through with someone professionally as your daughter really deserves a mother who can be positive or at best neutral and a safe place to share her wants and hopes without fear of having to deal with projected emotional baggage and i told you so’s . IVF is hard enough without naysayers in the background..
Can you try to be loving, positive and your daughters champion? If it all goes to shit, and it very well might if she needs fertility treatment you don’t want your relationship completely destroyed as she doesn’t trust you with her feelings and that you might say i told you so..?

If she's going to have IVF I can guarantee she will have put thought into it. Nobody has IVF on a whim.

Also, you have a counselling session when you have IVF (or at least we did) for the first time so if she has any concerns that might help her.

Leave her alone.

When I read the title, I assumed said daughter would be 16! But she’s 28 with her own home, a good job and (by the sounds of it) a serious and supportive partner. YABU

Don’t say one negative word about their plans, a friend of mine had an honest chat about the pros and cons after her dil conceived and it totally fractured the relationship. Be supportive and positive.

I think you should consider getting some counselling. This is not a normal reaction to a financially solvent adult in their late 20s in a committed relationship deciding to ttc.

Glad you're not my mother. Although, to be fair, mine is just as bad.

I think you're looking for problems due to your own "highly strung" nature.

None of these things make having a child so impossible they need to be talked out of it.

Your reasoning about not understanding how someone could bring a child into the world as it is at the moment is particularly silly - there have been much tougher living conditions throughout history, should the human race have just deliberately died out at those points, too?

Not your circus - her body, her life, her choice.

This cannot be real. Why would you try and stop your adult, married, homeowning daughter from trying to have a baby? There are many babies living in far worse conditions than a Georgian flat. Doing work doesn't stop you from having children either. Lots of people change their mind from 'never want a baby' to wanting one. You seem very unsupportive and its not your business.

Is your real issue the fact she lives in the city and not close to you so you won't be an active every day part of your grandchild's life?