To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I’m trying to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it too much. Still not spoken to sw. I hope she phones me before the weekend.

He just said bye when we left the pub. He seemed relieved it was over if I’m being honest. I’ve not heard anything from him since. I don’t know if he’s been to football this week or seen any of his friends. It’s half term so no college. It’s my birthday at the weekend so I hope I get to at least speak to him. That would be enough.

It is stressful feeling like you should bevdoing something , but patience is a virtue. He'll find his way home again

I guess he is processing the meeting in his mind too.
I still wonder what the purpose of it was- what exactly she had planned for it as it definitely sounds like it had a plan behind it.

I just can’t imagine how stressful this is for you OP. Is there anyone else in the family you can talk to or that could contact him? Cousins or people he has history with?

I also hope you have been able to share with friends by now so you are supported.

you sound so alone with it and that’s a huge burden to carry.

Really hope the professional teams come back with their thoughts soon.

@LuckyLil the OP herself had asked you not to post. Yet here you are. You are maliciously posting and seem to have some odd agenda to criticise an OP who is seeking support in a really difficult situation. No one else sees it how you do and you are helping no one at all.

I can’t work out what you are gaining by being so horrible but please just leave the thread.

It's a public forum, anyone can post as long as it's withing mumsnet rules
I think OP has plenty of time on her hands to think about mistakes she may or may not have made, and plenty of viewpoints in the thread as to how she might behave going forwards

And yet MN towers saw fit to remove it (I didn’t report btw so someone else agreed with me that is was malicious)

yes it’s public but why post just to be nasty when the OP had very calmly and politely asked them not to reply anymore.

OP has struck me as only being calm, rational and desperately sad on this thread. I have no idea why that would invite such projected criticism that appears to have no relation to the actual story given.

I think @LuckyLil is right though that no one is going to swoop in and physically remove a 16-year-old boy and place him in a secure setting. It is not a case of sexual exploitation where he is being passed around by adults for sex. He is in an inappropriate relationship. That relationship may have elements where it is controlling, but he is still going to college without the woman being there.

He could have a children-in-need plan if he would cooperate, but that looks unlikely. This is basically a support plan where different services offer some elements of support.

All OP can really do is slowly build up her relationship with him, boost his self-esteem, and encourage him to keep going to college, football and seeing friends. When he sees what his friends are doing he will feel he is missing out and he will leave her.

I didn't see the deleted message but this one is spot on
it doesn't help the OP to make this thread an echo chamber of unrealistic expectations about what services can or will do.

Personal attacks are rightly removed on here, thank you HQ.

I think the OP has enough shit going on in her life right now without having to read crap like this.

Can we keep to supporting and listening?

Is 16 not under age for a woman of 20s

I would phone police and reported grooming

@abblie This has happened. Please read the thread.

Came home from work today to a card and gift posted through the letterbox. It has DS’s handwriting on. I guess that means I probably won’t get to see him for my birthday but I’m grateful for the card and gift. I haven’t text him yet but will do once I’ve opened it tomorrow.

Haven’t managed to speak to the sw yet so it will have to wait till next week now. I suppose that means they haven’t met with anyone else or with DS again yet.

16 isn't, no unless the 20 plus year old was in a position of trust like a teacher/ football coach. There are concerns from OP that this started before he turned 16 though.

Good news that he’s remembered your birthday and acknowledged it. He’s thinking about you. Fingers crossed you get a birthday text tomorrow.

@PurpleLampShades I’m so sorry you and your son are got through this.
What a ghastly thing for your son to have got ensnared by.

Sounds to me like coercive control.
Almost like something out of a bad film, where a young, vulnerable child is entrapped by a seedy older manipulative person.

Years ago I knew a woman who had a “ Fling” with a young man I went out with afterwards. ( 17)

This woman was significantly older and the young lad looked up to her like a surrogate mother, plus she liked introducing him to sex-
She was a neighbour of theirs.
He didn’t feel “ Understood “ by his parents - he was an only child.
It ended when the older woman got back with her husband.

It definitely didn’t seem healthy.

It must be so hard for you.
Hopefully she won’t get pregnant-
That would be a nightmare in itself.

She would have control over him for 18 years then.
Shudders at thought.

Hopefully he’ll meet a nice girl of his own age .
one can but hope.

Sorry to hear the sw has been absent this week - perhaps they've been on leave for half term. Either way, its reasonable to expect to be kept informed of what they're doing so I hope they return your calls next week. You shouldn't have to I know, but do chase/ be persistent, the loudest voice gets heard the most and all that.

And I hope you have something lovely planned tomorrow purple, you deserve to stil enjoy your life as much as you can at this really difficult time, and don't feel guilty for it.

The other thing I was thinking - why don't you invite him over next week? While this is all under the spotlight of ss. Making it clear you'd like to spend time with just him. He may say no but I think it'd be good to ask

I'm glad he's remembered your birthday.

I'm glad he remembered your birthday. Maybe when you text you could suggest meeting for a coffee and cake to celebrate somewhere? He might respond.

Yes. I might ask if he’d like to meet or come over for dinner. Thanks.

What if he drags the jailer with him?
It’s so controlling how this predator won’t let your son out of her sight.
What do his mates think?
Or has she carved them out of his life as well?

I don’t know whether he’s been seeing his friends or not. I’m completely in the dark regarding his day to day life at the moment.

I would leave it be for a few weeks and then go to the house and speak to DS alone if possible . If you can get him alone ask him to do one thing for you and that's take the sim only phone you give him, hide it and contact you in secret. If he won't do this he's not ready to escape. He is emotionally held hostage by her and only when this starts to dawn on him will he need to get away.

Do you know any of your son’s friends to speak to?
That would be my first thought- His friends.
Yes, they may be loyal to him, but they might have an inkling as to where his head is at?

Do any of them ever call round at yours?

Several of them used to come round to hang about with DS, but not since he left. I suppose they all know he hasn’t been living here. I’ve been reluctant to speak to any of them in case they tell DS and it makes everything worse.