To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

He’s your son purple and you have every right to make enquiries with his mates. They may even be glad to talk to you. I doubt any 16 year old will volunteer to seek out their mates mom to talk to etc. You might be surprised by what they tell you. Just thought, do you have a ring door bell so you could see if it was your son who delivered the present? She sounds very controlling so I wouldn’t be surprised if she was tracking his movements etc.
I also thought you could meet him in secret in college. This could be liaised via the college counsellor.
His girlfriend clearly rehearsed the meet up you had on Sunday, even down to her going to the toilet. So sad for you, I really hope you have talked to people in real life so you can gain their support

This is awful to read. You must be beside yourself. At 16, I'm sorry he is still a child!.
I met my now husband at 17 and thought I knew everything. I think everything you are doing is right. No matter what others say, you have parental responsibility and he is under 18.
I hope he comes home soon and sees sense.

This is not true. The son goes to college by himself.

I remember when I was younger, probably around 16/17 a friend of ours was “seeing” another friend’s mum! And then he went on to her sister! All very weird but fizzled out quite quickly.

I wonder if they are drinking together, as that would certainly be an attraction for a young man I’m sure & would give you something to work with if they were, although not sure how you could find out/prove it.
I just don’t understand what she could see in him (even if he is a lovely boy!) wouldn’t be surprise if drink or drugs were involved.
Do you know her full name yet OP have you tried doing some Facebook stalking to find out more about her.

@PurpleLampShades

Happy birthday for today OP 🥂💐🎂

Try to enjoy your day, I know how hard it is going to be for you 😞

Fantastic news that your son dropped off a card and present for you, I think that's really positive! I hope he's chosen something lovely for you to enjoy.

Stay strong, you're doing amazingly well and we're all here for you if you need us 💐

My heart goes out to you. Keep all texts etc and a diary of how he presents.

I had the same with my son. He's now married and cut himself off from all family except his disabled younger brother. (Son was 25 and is now 30 and has two children and one step son with wife)

I contacted police as I believe the relationship is coercive control and they went to interview him at the house whilst in her presence!!

As your son is so young hopefully SS will be able to continue with their support. The relationship is clearly inappropriate and unhealthy. The only advice I would give you is become her friend (keep your friends close and your enemies closer as the saying goes).

Maybe ask to meet her for a coffee when he's at school/college? Try to get to know her and act as though you've accepted what's happening.

I sincerely hope and believe your son will come back to you xx

Wishing you a Happy Birthday OP!
I hope you have a lovely day despite all of this mess.

As a 27 year old woman, it really makes me cringe to think of a 15/16 year old boy in the way that she does, it's really sickening actually. I can only wonder what her friends/family must think of her.

I truly hope you are ok, keep strong. DS will be back, just give it time.

I also agree with every thing you have done so far, you are doing amazing.
X

Glad he remembered your birthday OP.

I don't know if this is the right advice but I'd send a text like this.

"I'd love to take you for a coffee but would x be ok with that? I get the sense she doesn't allow you to be alone with me as you had to go to the toilet together at lunch. Wouldn't want to make things difficult for you at home."

I understand this is risky but it might help them realise you understand exactly what she's doing. I wouldn't talk to his friends as it may put them in a difficult position, and embarrass him if they tell him about it afterwards.

One day when he's close to 27 himself he will understand how young a 16year old is, and how strange this woman is. The description of her hand on the back of his neck made me feel sick.

Happy birthday OP. So glad he remembered a card.

I wouldn't. I'd keep every text message light and neutral, a thank you for the card and that you'd love to see him soon.

Hope you're ok @PurpleLampShades , no doubt today has been a tough one if he hasn't been in touch but it's just one day.

I really wouldn't send a message like this as it just adds to the narrative she'll be feeding him - "everyone is against us" / "they don't want us to be happy" / "she's just jealous now you're with me" / "she thinks you're still a kid" etc.

And will also make her (as she's likely reading all his messages) even more determined to isolate and control him by cutting you off.

Thank you for the kind messages. I’ve just had a quiet day by myself. Bubble bath, glass of wine, watched a couple of favourite films. I haven’t text DS because he wrote in the card that “p.s. you don’t need to text me to say thanks or anything” so I’m a bit reluctant. I might wait until Monday when he’ll be at college.

I actually think that could be a positive sign (though it might not feel it) in the sense that perhaps he added that p.s. because he knows it's not right for her to be monitoring his messages and not right for her to be isolating himself

So he didn't want you to text as she might then be cross and question him over it, but also wanted to make sure he did something for your birthday because he loves you.

Perhaps his eyes are opening to the relationship dynamic not being healthy.

Got everything crossed for you

Sorry meant to say yes I would definitely wait until he's at college monday if you can based on the reasons in the post just before

@PurpleLampShades
I had tears well up in my eyes at your son’s message
“ You don’t need to text me to say thanks or anything “
I have visions of the Coercive older woman standing over him, telling him what to write.
WHY would a son who was happy with his mum turn so cold?
It’s like he’s lost his ability to think independently?
Under the domination of this awful woman.

I hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later.
It’s not a healthy “relationship “ they have.

She sounds very controlling- Does he like being bossed about and under the thumb?
Hopefully not.

That’s a point-
Maybe son bought card without Jailer knowing?
Hope he frees himself from her creepy clutches soon.

Agree 100percent.
Jailer will doubtless be reading all his text messages, and Jailer will be also feeding the “ Us against the World” story.

Hi @PurpleLampShades

Been following and posted on this thread much earlier than today. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and glad you have had a peaceful day and contact with your son in that he made sure you received a present and card.

I think it's just going to be a case of playing the long game which must be incredibly hard. How you kept your composure during the Sunday lunch I do not know. You are an amazingly strong woman and Mum. I hope your son soon sees the light and that this is not normal in any way.

Stay strong purple you are doing so well. A mother's love is unconditional and we will fight and defend our children with our last breath. Your son will see this eventually.

As a woman in her late 20's, the very thought of even looking at a 16 year old like that turns my stomach.

If it was a 20 odd year old man housing a 16 year old girl who wouldn't go to the door if her Mother knocked, all hell would break loose.

Disgusting.

Happy birthday OP x

Yes, I wondered if maybe he bought card and gift without her knowing and doesn’t want her to find out. I definitely don’t feel strong. I’m just trying to save breaking down until I’m home and alone. I know me being emotional if/when I see him isn’t going to help things.

Glad you had a peaceful day. Don't take my previous advice if you think it would end in less contact with your son. It's just so frustrating as a mother thinking that you cannot get to see him on his own, and I can't imagine myself not pointing out such obvious red flags or staying quiet during that lunch!

Agree that him saying don't text thankyou is both a worrying sign that she's monitoring his phone, but also a good sign that he might be aware of how messed up his relationship is.

Well done for playing the long game, most important thing is that he knows your door is always open.x

Happy Birthday, OP. I'm so incredibly sorry you're dealing with this

I don't think she does know your son sent the card and gift and that's why he said to not text and thank him for it.

I've been in a DV relationship and personally this is certainly along the lines of something I had done. Send a text/phonecall/card/anything really to somebody i care about and then say please don't respond back. It became very often that I done this.

It's so awful that this is happening, if your son was 6 months younger she would be in prison. It is just not right. It may somehow disgustingly be legal but that does not make it morally right. He is a child and she is an adult.