To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Goodness, that does sound an ordeal, but pleased you managed to see him.

The bit however that stuck out to me was the hand behind the neck, that can be a fairly controlling action.

I stepped back from this thread earlier because I found it difficult being told I was wrong and reading posters egging you on to do things that won't help and putting faith in services to help you. But yes, this is correct. In order to be subject to a plan given he isn't in your care currently he would need to engage. Threshold for child protection planning would need to be met and on the face of it it's not. A child in need plan for a 16 year old living away from home would be pointless if they don't want to engage.

I think this is the crux of the problem. Even if the relationship is felt to be inappropriate, doing anything about is going to need his co-operation to some degree. SS cannot drag him kicking and screaming from the house.

He does not see this as a coercive relationship - just as many women fail to do in their relationships - but he may in time begin to be bored with his life with her if you are lucky, which is why you need to keep the door open for him and gently make sure he knows it always will be - he needs that message drip-fed.

He thinks all his Christmases have come at once - what 16 year old boy would not want a sexually experienced 26 year old woman to initiate him and pamper him?

But I think he will in the end work out that his life is horribly limited with her; and will see his college mates going to the pub and parties and generally having a good time.

You have to play the long game; unless police find grounds to prosecute her which is very unlikely.

Hang on in there.

I would ask the sw how they intend to get his authentic consent when he is a child in a coercive controlling relationship with an adult. His need to be safeguarded trumps his right to give consent.

This is a grey area, I'm just suggesting you have good grounds to push back if you want to.

And the thing is - in my experience we can usually convince children and families to work with us, can make them see the benefit, and make sure a cin plan includes things that are important to the yp - something to do with college maybe. Doesn't mean they're neccesarily happy about it, more that they go along grudgingly

Yes. My feeling is it will largely depend on how successful anyone working with him can help him see how inappropriate the controlling aspects of the relationship are, once they are evidenced (your work in this is helping to form this evidence). It might be the sw, it might be someone at college, it might be his football coach or just a friend who gets the breakthrough with him. It might be you, and the work you're doing is helping pave the way for this. Once there is some progress with a breakthrough, it is more likely he will engage with any plan. Professionals should be well equipped with tactics and strategies to help him understand and guide him through this, which is why its important to keep fighting for the right people to get involved, but clearly there is a risk (as with all cases) he won't listen and disengage. I think his willingness to have contact with you and how you have handled things so far is a good sign that a breakthrough is possible.

You mentioned he receives money left by his late father.
Does that come direct from the estate/trust or via yourself?

It occurred to me that her interest in him might be the money :-(

Your lunch meeting sounded full of coercion red flags, do pass them on to SW.

I also agree with sharing everything you've shared with us. I thought the bullet points were great - clearly objective observations and together with your summary of how it came across, your feelings and the undertones are all really valid to pass on. I think the sw should be impressed with how you've handled this, particularly since you couldn't reach them for guidance beforehand. Massive well done from me again x

And even if he doesn't engage straight away, don't be heartbroken and think that's it. That you're keeping the lines of communication open, and keeping others alert, increase the chances of it happening at some point in the future. It's rarely a linear process. It might well be one step forward two steps back etc, but the more people who are alert and can try to positively connect with him the better.

You did really well to keep your cool and not call out some of her behaviours. I would have struggled not to point them out and ask her if she felt that they were appropriate. It all sounds extremely controlling to me. Imagine if that was a much older man and a 16 yr old girl. I think social services would be all over it like a rash, especially since some of the cases in recent years involving cohersion and what we now know about grooming.

Does the fact that the boy is not in his mother’s care without her consent make any difference?

It was horrible watching it. I was fantasising about throwing my cauliflower cheese in her face at one point. When they went to the toilet, once I got over the initial disappointment I wasn’t going to get to speak to him alone, I sat there taking deep, calming breaths until they came back. I must have looked a bit odd.

I’m going to try and get hold of the sw tomorrow to discuss it and find out what’s going on, whether any progress has been made. She said they have 45 days to do the assessment. I’m really hoping it doesn’t take that long.

The money he gets from his dad comes from the trust. His dad left very strict instructions. DS gets full access and control over it when he turns 25.

In reality - no
unless someone can prove domestic abuse which if he's not agreeing really can't happen, there is nothing practically speaking that can be done.
this isn't the same as child sexual exploitation for which there are strategies with police and social services to disrupt networks etc - this is an abusive relationship. And the law, on abusive relationships, still requires evidence to protect the victim. Just the fact that she's older doesn't constitute evidence for a court of law.

Thanks for clarifying. It’s so frustrating that the options are so few for the OP.

@PurpleLampShades

Well done for getting through it, you've been able to observe the relationship for yourself now and can give your impressions of the situation to the SW and other authorities that are involved.

Be gentle with yourself tonight, it's been a difficult day emotionally so just let yourself have some downtime and treat yourself to whatever cheers you up.

You've been so brave today, you've shown them both that you're concerned about the situation but haven't cut any ties.

You're doing the right thing, it's painful, it's hard, but you're doing the right thing I promise you. Things are going to get better x

Eurgh that sounds like a tough lunch. You did well OP and it was very good that you went as your son can see you making the effort for him. He must miss you on some level. This is quite confusing for him he’s immature as most kids his age are, and so the emotional sophistication to deal with this isn’t there.

It’s very good to have taken notes. They tell victims of domestic abuse to start a diary of abuse (if they can safely) to build a picture - you can do this about your son now. It might be quite important to notice if there is any exploitation such as money - so keep alert and play the long game.

I think I might be tempted at some point soon so play them at their own fears - it’s obviously riled them that you have got SW involved. So I might ask DS if you can or feel it’s appropriate to meet you alone even briefly once a week so that you can be reassured and not feel worried. I might even say that I’d ‘been advised’ that if I could not meet my DS alone sometimes that this could be ‘a matter of concern’. Keep it vague but insistent.

She did want to reassure you - so getting SS and the police involved got some reaction. They know that they are ‘being watched’ on some level which is no bad thing.

Well done purple

I will send you the legal definition of CSE tomorrow- promise

It will help if you know what it is when you speak to sw again .

And flag everything you saw today .

He is still legally a minor - I just know that while there may be reticence to act legally it can be done . He is a minor . That's a fact .

@PurpleLampShades I'm so so sorry you're still going through this. It makes me nauseous thinking about it; I can't imagine how you're feeling.

Well done for not throwing your cauliflower at her, grabbing your son and running for the hills. That has taken serious control. And courage for going.

I hope you get some answers today.

Re: your post yesterday, OP
They were already there when I got there. He went to get up to greet me and she put her hand on his leg so he didn’t get up.

That seems a small thing, but I find it shocking and awful. Not only was she controlling his relationship with you, she was quelling his natural response to greet someone arriving.

Urghh she sounds such a creep.

You are definitely doing the right thing OP. As someone who was in similar situations as your DS when as I was a similar age,
I really wish now my mum had intervened more. Although I wouldn't have been happy about it at the time I would have thanked her for it now.

How are you doing today OP?

I think your focus needs to be on rebuilding your relationship with him.
Is he still going to college? Is he going to football? Seeing any friends?

I think you need to update yourself with all the posts, this is really unhelpful what you just wrote.

How did he seem at the end OP? Did he say anything to you when you parted?

she sounds controlling from what you have written and I hope he comes to recognise it as unhealthy.

you must have been a bit flat after the meeting are you ok?