To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

It would not be viewed differently and I wish people would stop saying this.
SS and police took OPs report seriously and checked her son was not a victim of childhood sexual exploitation or county lines. They have determined he is not. They are still doing an assessment and plan on him as a child in need. This is exactly what would happen if OPs child was a girl. In fact often less happens if it is a girl as older man and younger girl is still seen as more natural by many.

but I think some posters have minimised/trivialised what is going on

@StillWeRise I disagree. Some of us knew that the police were never going to force him to go to a safe house. That the only solution was always trying to maintain a relationship knowing the relationship was very unlikely to last.

What a sad situation. It's very difficult. If it were me, I'd ask him to meet alone, so you can discuss his dad's money.

Suggest increasing it (by child benefit?) as long as he stays in college. It must be paid directly to him though, not to her.

There was a mum on here a while back whose son was in a relationship with a very controlling young woman of a similar age. It was a very difficult time, but he came through it eventually l

Aaaaand now we know the older woman seducer is on here…☹️

Yes- This person was attacking OP before, in a very unhealthy way.

When this thread fills purple start a new one . I'm still here . Let's see what the outcome of the s47 is .....
Stay strong lovely . You're doing absolutely everything right x

There are hundreds and hundreds of comments on this post. As I said, “viewed differently by SOME”. You are of course entitled to disagree but this doesn’t mean that gender doesn’t feed into some of these perceptions. It would be naïve to say otherwise.

Hi, I studied child protection within my nursing diploma, but that was over a decade ago so I am not up to date , but anyway is there anything here that would put the boy Into the vulnerable category because then the police and social services would be obliged to help and it would make it far more difficult for him to be able to return to the older woman's house. They would put measures in place regarding her and If she herself has children then they would be regarded as potentially br

At risk of emotional harm in this situation

I’ve been reading this thread from the start and send all my sympathies for what you’re going through, OP. I know other people have mentioned the previous thread on here about the son who became enmeshed with a younger, terrifyingly manipulative girl - rather different circumstances to yours, I know, but similar in other ways in that he also estranged himself from his family and at times moved out to live with the girl’s (equally problematic) family. It was a long and agonising saga but he eventually saw that he was being controlled and the relationship ended. So I feel there can be hope for you.

I did just want to query those who think the child benefit should be transferred to this older woman. Surely I can’t be the only person on here who feels quite disturbed at the idea of a clearly highly controlling older woman, doubtless having initiated a sexual relationship with a teenage boy, receiving child benefit for him? That seems actually grotesque to me. If this 27 yo woman were the 16 yo son’s teacher, she could/would be prosecuted.

(Yes, I know she isn’t, and no doubt I’ll be accused of not being sufficiently ‘chill’ about the whole situation)

Hi @Grawlix, I'm one of the posters that agreed with getting the CB payments swapped to the girlfriend. My thinking was that it might actually hit her then that her partner is literally her "boy" friend, a child not a man.

Given that Purple has been asked for more money by her son it's also a way for Purple to be seen to be being reasonable whilst actually only doing the minimum to support the relationship. If CB is paid to the girlfriend it makes a very clear point that she is aware that he's a child and also creates an official timeline for the relationship that might be useful to SS and Purple in the future (possibly financial coercion/ control).

I know it seems counterintuitive but I genuinely think it could be a very good tactical move for @PurpleLampShades to make.

Thanks for your thoughtful response @7catsisnotenough. I do see what you’re saying. But having read Purple’s account of the very awkward lunch; the gf’s strange and controlling behaviour; DS seemingly not being allowed to come to the door to speak to his mother; his abandonment of football; his estrangement from all his friends, and now his apparent danger of leaving college too…..I just can’t see the gf suddenly waking up and thinking ‘Oh my God! My boyfriend is a 16 year old and I’m getting child benefit for him!’.

Seems to me she knows it very well and she’s just fine with it.

Of course it might help with the SS enquiry, I don’t know. But the idea still doesn’t sit well with me, I’m afraid.

Thanks for your reply @Grawlix , it's a very complex situation and ultimately poor Purple can only make the decision that feels right for her at the time. There are definitely both pros and cons to offering up the CB 😞 and I can see why you are against it.

Another reason for my position on this is that I'm a bit concerned that Purple might technically be in the wrong to continue receiving the CB herself as her DS is living elsewhere? I'm not 100% sure of the rules around the residency side of it but IIRC there's a time limit (or there used to be when I was going through my similar situation with my daughter) for continuing the claim, I'll try to check it out if I get a chance so Purple has the information 😊

Found it, I don't know how to do links but screenshot attached. It's 8 weeks, unless someone else makes a claim - if they do then Purple would be notified.

There's a further section regarding continuing to claim CB if you make other financial payments in support of your child, so probably worth double checking what the best route to take is. Maybe CAB could advise you Purple? 💐hope you're doing ok today after the stress of yesterday

This thread is almost 1000 posts long and has been posted on by several social workers and child protection professionals. Your advice is incorrect and belated to be honest.

I met DS to talk today. He wouldn’t come to the house so we met for coffee. His phone was constantly pinging with text messages and she phoned him five times! Once early on then four times towards the end to repeatedly tell him she was waiting in the car and to hurry up. He spent the last four calls apologising and placating her that he’d be right there. In the end he just gave me this tired, defeated look, said ‘Sorry I have to go, she hates waiting’ then got up and walked out. We’d only been there about an hour and were still in the middle of talking. I wanted to grab him, shake him and tell him to tell her to piss off! I didn’t get a chance to ask him about quitting football and what he needs to consider going back or whether ss have been in touch with him again. Honestly, it was gutting having him just leave like that. She can’t even give him an hour to see his mother.

In between all that we did manage to have a conversation about money. He insisted asking for more was coming from him and she hasn’t asked him to contribute (unsure if that’s the truth or not). He said he wants to give her some money towards bills but also doesn’t want to leave college, and she doesn’t want him to get a part-time job that fits around college as then she’d ‘never see him’, so he decided he’d just ask if his money could be increased.

I could have cried when he said he didn’t want to leave college. I really really hope that is truly the case. I am desperate for him to stay there, not just for his future, but they have decent support services there. His tutor and the safeguarding person are keeping an eye on him and there’s a college counsellor (and nurses) that he’s being encouraged to access. Safeguarding person has been encouraging DS to talk to the counsellor. I’m not sure if he actually has but I’m glad that service is there and that he’s being reminded of it. His friends are also there so even though he might be pushing them away right now he’s still around them, seeing them live their lives, doing what teenagers do, reminding him that he’s not doing any of that at the moment. If he quits he loses all that and that really scares me.

He suggested doubling his money to £300 a month and when I asked how much of that he planned to give to her he didn’t really have an answer, which makes me think he’d end up giving it all to her. I’ve told him I’ll think about it and discuss it with the solicitor that deals with it and ss. In the meantime I’ve transferred some money to his account to tide him over, which he assured me he would use for college stuff and not spend it on her. Whether that’s true or not I don’t know. They don’t have parentpay at his college unfortunately.

I need to get some advice on the child benefit. Whilst technically, he’s not currently living at home, I still have parental responsibility and we’re not estranged to the point that he’s completely on his own. He’s staying with her, not living with her and I am still financially supporting him and trying to maintain contact as much as I can. I’ll see what the sw says when I speak to her. I haven’t said anything to him about it yet.

Sorry for the long post. It’s been good to write it all out tbh. I was feeling really upset but just trying to put it into words and tell someone, even if it is (mostly kind) strangers on the internet, has helped.

I'm glad you got to see him if only for a short while
I'm going to say it again, this constant texting/calling while you are together, as well as the attempt to isolate him are textbook abusive behaviours- see this checklist-

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

if you have a local domestic abuse service it may be worth having an informal chat with them. It's not a typical situation but I bet they will recognise these behaviours.

keep careful notes of what is going on and pass all this on to social services

how do you think he'd respond if you asked him about the relationship, in very neutral terms of course-
so, what do you enjoy doing together?
what sort of person is she?
is she interested in (football, or whatever he is interested in)
do you see her friends much? has she met your friends? (if not- oh, that's a shame, why not)
what's the best thing about being together?
what job does she do? (I'd be VERY interested in this...)

in this way he may come to see for himself that this isn't a fun or healthy relationship.

Hi OP
Not sure if anyone has shared the link to this thread (and subsequent series of threads) previously but you may find some parallels here of use: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum?reply=

Great you got to see him and while it might not seem it to you, it does seem like it's beginning to unravel - he doesn't seem exactly happy does he? The shine of all this will eventually wear off. If not before, I suspect Christmas will be a crux point, maybe you want to start thinking about your strategies for that already and anticipating what may happen and plan your responses (and hopefully that will turn out to be a waste of effort because he'll be back by then).

Well done Purple!

You handled it brilliantly (again!). It's so clear that he values your relationship and what stands out to me is that he hasn't expressed any anger or resentment towards you, is that fair to say do you think? Keep doing what you're doing, he's seeing you as he should do, a source of unwavering support. Did he volunteer the info about the counsellor at college, or are you aware of this from the safeguarding lead? Either way I'm so pleased they are looking out for him and offering support.

Don't worry if you feel you didn't say everything you wanted or felt you should. My suggestions were only that, ways to try to engage and connect and it doesn't sound like you needed that. You could always risk sending another text this week at college, saying it was lovely to see him and it was a shame you ran out of time as you'd wanted to talk/hear more about how he's doing etc. Could even ask when it would be possible to see him again...

And YY to evidence of more controlling behaviour from the gf and feeding this back to ss

I’ve been afraid to ask him much about her and their relationship because when I’ve done it before he gets really defensive and clams up, then runs away. I have so many questions but I’m just afraid of actually asking them. He sees it as if I’m trying to criticise and be mean to her. He was defending her phoning him today, saying it was because she was worried about him meeting me and me upsetting him. He has shown some anger but I’m trying to avoid what I know is making him angry, which is a bit pathetic I know. I just don’t want to risk not speaking to or seeing him. He’s still really angry that I’ve gotten ss involved and he gets pissed off if he thinks I’m criticising her.

Thanks for the links. I’ve read some of those threads and I’m praying this doesn’t last that long. I have no idea what’s going to happen at Christmas. I’ve been mentally preparing myself to be spending it alone but I know I need to talk to him about it. I’d love for all this to be over by then.

I think you're right at the moment to just stick to "safe" topics and focus just on keeping the connection going. When you've established it a bit more, over time it will become easier to ask more questions, but your intuition is probably right (it's not being chicken, it's a fragile situation and you're right not to prod too deeply). It's really tough for you though, look after yourself x

@PurpleLampShades
I don’t know how you kept your cool with the older controller bombarding your son with controlling messages.
She sounds unhinged and insecure.

I sincerely hope drugs aren’t involved-
She sounds like a very needy unpleasant person, anyone with a modicum of security would let a son see his own mum.

Well done for keeping your cool.

Hopefully , this claustrophobic unsettling “ Relationship “ will burn itself out , Hopefully before Christmas.

Looking at the other thread where another mother’s son was embroiled in a deeply unhealthy “ Relationship “ with a young, highly controlling, needy insecure girl, it feels there are parallels with Purple’s son and his “ Controller”

Both females are insecure, deeply manipulative and “ Needy”
Both sons were gradually cut off from their family and friends-
It look a long time to resolve, but the son broke his “ Addiction “ as his mum termed it.
There is definitely hope for Purple’s son breaking the trammels of “ Addiction “ to this controller.