To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I don’t think anyone is arguing that it isn’t worrying but unfortunately with him being 16 there isn’t much that can be done. The more OP pushes him the more iy plays into her narrative which is probably “nobody understands us everyone will judge us but you know I love you”

Ive not seen for the week he’s been there. He doesn’t come to the door. When I phone him she answers his phone or they ignore it. She tells me he doesn’t want to speak to me but when I say I want to hear him say that she hangs up on me.

I would feel the same as you op but, as it's not illegal, you are unlikely to find anyone willing to intervene.

I think you need to maintain your relationship with him and the lines of communication. You don't want him to move in with her permanently and disappear from your life. For that reason, I would temper your reaction.

Try to get as much factual information as possible, do you know the woman's age, how long might your son have been in contact with her? Do you have any information about how and when they met, try to find out as much information as you can about address etc. Exploitation would be your primary safeguarding approach with the relevant agencies, ideally you want to try to get a strategy meeting called by the relevant parties, this may not mean they can do anything instrumental because he is now 16 and there are some difficulties in forcing this age group to do things. However what will happen is information sharing between the professionals and some risk assessment plus, and most importantly, flagging at a safeguarding level, College can then monitor a bit more and ask the relevant questions when they do see your son. It is not easy, but try not to respond from an emotional position but more of a factual position - this is your best line of influence. I am very sorry you are in this position - getting support from other parents who have been through similar will help you gain advice on what has or has not worked for them. I suspect this person has been waiting for your son to turn 16, if so that suggests a level of calculation.

OP can you try and kill her with kindness?

I know it'll really hurt you but could you text and say you want to apologise, it was just a shock and if he's happy that's all that matters, and you'd like to get to know her? At least if you can keep communication open you can make sure he's ok.

I've had the same with my 15yo dd. It took nearly a year to get anyone to listen to me! Keep reporting him missing when he doesn't come home. When they ask where he could be give her name and address.
We now have a child abduction warning notice in the man who groomed our daughter. The evidence of this was being able to prove that while she was missing she was with him!

"College will have a safeguarding officer who will have experience in this."

The DSL would phone social services. As op has already done that, I don't think this will yield a different result. I would speak to school though. If he's going no contact with you, you need someone to keep an eye on him.

I think it is different because your dd is 15yo.

So he's a child & this all started before he was 16 but no one is interested?

What would be her interest in having someone else's son living with her & being financially responsible for him?

Do you have any male friends who would be willing to go over and have a chat with her. An unexpected visit late at night might just help her see things your way?

I am sorry, I would be worried sick.
He has no entitlement to benefits. Don’t give him any money. Text him to say that you love him, and leave him to it. It seems you can’t make him come home, so I would say leave them to it . They will fall out quicker without a common enemy( you) to kick against.
But it does seem very likely that they started a sexual relationship before your son was 16. I would write to the Police, making that point and ask them to keep your letter on record, because it’s such strange behaviour, she may well have an attraction to young boys.

Definitely speak to the college.
SS/the police may listen to them more.

I would not try and ring him again for a day or 2.

Hopefully he will start to worry and come home.

This was going on before he was 16 - that is illegal.

This women is absolutely vile but your son thinks he’s in love and you slagging off his new gf is going to push him towards her even more.

Does she work?
Does he have any money?

Yeah, that would go really well.

middleeasternpromise seems to know about this situation and has given good advice.

I have no experience but sympathise massively OP. I hope DS sees sense and comes home soon of his own free will.
Do you know the woman's name ? she may have a history of this behaviour. I cant belivce that the police /SS wont at least do an inital check on her .

AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

police can't do anything as he's 16 and presumably won't make a statement that she groomed him when he was underage so unless there is evidence of abuse that's a non starter.

social services aren't likely to intervene if he doesn't want support. They can only work with him on a voluntary basis and if he's not interested then there would be no point trying.

this isn't a matter for services really, it's for you as parents to work on.

Op
I'm in police - he is not yet an adult - they should be safeguarding him . He is over the age of consent yes but still classed as a child until 18 . Persist with police and social services. They should act . If they don't - complain loud !!

I cant belivce that the police /SS wont at least do an inital check on her

social services might have done so but unless there was something really concerning they wouldn't share it with the OP. They wouldn't get access to police information anyway.

Please see my post above. It's not an illegal relationship. Not sure what kind of police you are if you think this is a police matter!

So, you haven’t actually seen or heard him for a week, as she comes to the door when you go there. Is this correct?

I would go about the other way , I would stop all contact, messages, going around her place etc and see if it makes a difference. Teens these days are very underestimated, they’re actually know right from wrong but in their own time , the more you force him the more stubborn he gets , let him be for a while .

Please don’t do this OP. This could very easily end up with someone getting badly hurt…and somebody else in custody.

Are there any close family member who could intervene a bit? An older brother or cousin who could reach out to him?

I know her first name. Not sure if she works.

Thanks for the advice. I’ll try to back off a bit and be more calm, try to find out more facts. I’ll phone the college tomorrow. I don’t want to drive him away. I just want him home and safe with me.

I would phone the police and ask them to go round and do a welfare check as no-one has heard him for a week and you do not know if he is safe and unharmed and you don’t know if he is being kept there against his will or not. Ask them to speak to him alone when they check on his safety and well-being.

You know what, I'll take that back in as much as if OP hasn't seen her son she could report him missing and ask for a welfare check but as I'm sure you know if he appears safe and well they won't do a thing.

I'm a police officer .

He is not an adult yet - my force would view this as a child concern. He is under 18 . A child in the eyes of the law . I'm a police officer with 14 years in the job . Just because he is over age of consent doesn't mean he's an adult .
So I'm advising op as a police officer they should be doing a welfare check and safeguarding procedure.

What's your expertise?