To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

There definitely are ways to break it, but unfortunately sometimes you have to let it run its course and for the son to see for himself just what is going on.

I can absolutely assure the OP that he will come to his senses, it’s just a matter of when and OP has to ride it out. It may not be before Christmas but it will be soon.

She clearly has issues. A normal 27 year old woman would not be in a relationship with a sixteen year old boy. She sought your son out because she can control him. The fact that she doesn’t want him to get a part time job because that will take over their time together 🙄I’m assuming she was waiting in the car for him during your chat. She can’t afford to keep him, doesn’t want him to have a job, but then looks to you to pay for this? She’s got balls.

I wouldn’t give him anymore money. He can have the £150 but offer to pay extra (child benefit amount) for tangible items, like phone, bus pass, football stuff etc as long as he attends school. What is the nature of the trust? Does he know the details? Tell him it only pays out if he’s in full time education, or he only gets full access at 25 etc. He must know that you work very hard for what you have and that you can’t afford two households.

Take the positives from this. You're still in contact, even if it's on his terms.

And she's clearly the Ringmaster. You can report all of this to SS as it smacks of coercive control.

It’s very positive that he met with you without her. It’s positive that he has an ongoing need from you (money) so please if possible make keep control of as much of the money as you can, give him as little as you can, in order to force him to meet up with you as often as possible.

Make up white lies if necessary but don’t give him monthly money, every week or every 2 weeks and say you’d rather hand it to him or need to see him just to be reassured - whatever way you say it - insist it is always meeting up with him.

She is awful texting and phoning, really not normal at all and very controlling of a much younger teenager, WTF?

But your priority is keeping him as close to you as possible, and making you and his bond constant. I wouldn’t even ask about her - make yourself a ‘safe zone’ which is one he can TRUST - trust that you will have his back, even in this awful situation, where he can turn to you (which he is doing).

OP I left home at 16 due to an overbearing, controlling and emotionally abusive mother. She played the victim with everyone and tried to get me home. You don’t sound anything like her.
really sorry you’re going through this, it must be terribly worrying.
If I could give you any advice from his perspective it would be try to stay calm and keep reaching out with loving communication. I’m sure he’ll come round soon enough.

Wow this is horrible keep fighting for your son OP. Something is definitely not right here

You do need to talk about Christmas thoguh. Incite them both.sau you'd love to have them BOTH round.and if he start a to mumble yes do remind him u would be ALONE if not.
You are sensible to be cautious on topics but your also a person in your own right woth bfeelings and needs. and he needs to remeber that,and possibly reminded that this isn't all about him and it's been a confusing blow to you.
that your hurting too.hes stuck in his own teen (selfish) head.where it's all about them at that age and how they feels.often it's a eye opener for teens when or if the parents shows their own emotions.or hurt over a matter.

I'm in agreement with PPs who have suggested transferring the actual Child Benefit payment to her, as a PP said it firmly reinforces that he is a child and she is an adult plus it puts some "keep" money into the situation so that is one less thing she can complain about to him.

To me doing this would likely give the message that his actual mum was relinquishing him to the ‘girlfriend’, and that his mum condones what the girlfriend is doing. The child benefit in the ‘girlfriend’s’ hands would also mean she has control over what is spent on him.

Handing the child benefit to the abuser of the child it is intended for doesn’t seem right.

My feeling is the same- That if Purple hands over Child ben to the Controller, the controller will see it as having the reins of more control and power.
Controller knows she’s dating a child already, and doesn’t give a toss.
But, If Purple gives the money to her son, as an allowance, that’s much better ( in my opinion)
Purple has to do what SHE thinks is best.
She alone knows her son and has seen Controller.

Controller is probably pretty weak inside, hence going fir a young and vulnerable child.
A confident woman would date someone her own age or older.

I also think that handing over CB to controller won't suddenly bring her to her senses , she obviously doesn't think like 'normal' people otherwise she wouldn't have Purple's son living with her.

Hi purple, hats off to you for your composure and calm throughout this, we are all with you in disgust and anger towards this sex offender.

With my therapeutic parenting hat on, I'm with @longleggitybeastie and others, about focusing on connection. Be the antithesis for your son of controlling behaviour. In response to his requests for money (or anything else) you can reply something along the lines of, - I'd like to work this out together. Here are my worries, and I hear yours, and they are also mine too, how can we work this out to find a good solution for us both? This Models that healthy, safe and loving relationships have space for everyone's needs.

When he seems agitated, or nervous, refelct that to him - you seem worried. You don't need to resolve it or find answers, just witness it.

When you next see him alone, you could tell him you're scared of losing him. That you know some of the ways you've been has made him angry and that you're sorry, that you've been scared and have acted out of that place. If he is trying to reassure you that he's fine, say - you don't need to reassure me, it's not your job to look after me and I dont want it to be. Remind him you are always there for him and your door is always open for him, no questions asked.

I know this is all sounds a bit obvious and I'm sorry if I sound patronising. I know from my own children that when you're 'in it' you can lose sight of the obvious...
I can send some resources to you if you'd like

@oakleaffy wny have you created this weird name ‘the controller’ to refer to the girlfriend of the OPs DS? It makes it sounds like you think you are in a novel or a drama series. This isn’t your story to create. It’s really creepy.

hppe you are ok purple. That meeting sounded like it left you with lots of worries but I’m glad you got to see your DS. He sounds really quite troubled by it all which whilst it’s sad for him it does suggest all is not rosy and he might rethink his situation sooner rather than later.

@Meagainalready is it not a standard mn thing for a MN thread to develop a name? Like 'cowhen' 'henzilla' etc. And she kind of is? It's not like she's a standard girlfriend of a 16 yo? She's a 29 yo woman is she not who is being controlling!

Just read this op..big hugs to you, you must feel so powerless....

Don’t be silly.
The older woman IS a controller.
Haven’t you read Purple’s posts.

Or would you prefer “ Nonce”?

You don’t need a nickname that you constantly use. It’s twee and childish and this isn’t a joke any of it. Let OP give her a name if she wants. It’s not your story.

This screams County Lines Nd the fact that a Social Worker seems to think it is okay is shocking!

If DM is not providing him with any money...he must be getting it from somewhere !!!

Please refer to college DSL.

It isn't your thread to ''Police'' either.
Purple can speak for herself.
If Purple doesn't want me to use the term 'Controller', I won't, but until then, 'Controller' she will remain.

Only you seem to think it's a ''Joke''.
Any mother of a vulnerable teen absolutely will not find any of this remotely ''Funny'', but deeply concerning.

Just read this whole thread and it’s really an awful time for you

When you do meet up / speak / text I would stick to safe subjects as you want to keep communication open and allow him to see you as a safe person / place if he does decide to leave ,

I had a notification from the college today that DS hasn’t attended. Obviously, I can’t give them a reason why as I don’t know myself, but I had a quick chat with the safeguarding person about it. I sent DS a text just asking if he’s ok but haven’t had a reply. I’m hoping it’s just a one off and he’ll attend tomorrow.

@UneFoisAuChalet I’m not sure if she was waiting for the entire time in the car but the last four calls were over the last twenty minutes so she was outside for at least some of the time. I don’t know if DS knew she was going to do that or not.

He knows that he gets full access to his inheritance at 25 and that his dad’s wishes were that the money is used to set him up with a solid foundation to build on, so his education, university costs, a head start on buying a home etc.

@Chailatteplease Thank you for your post and sorry you had that horrible experience. I appreciate your post.

@boomoohoo I would love to see some resources if you have the time. Anything that I can use to help me remain calm and keep communication positive will be greatly received. I nearly bit my tongue in half trying not to snatch the phone from him and scream at her to fuck off.

re. the child benefit, I see both points of view and the rationale behind it and I’ve been thinking about it. I think at the moment, I’m leaning more towards using it to pay for things he needs for college. I do have that nagging fear that if I transfer it to her it will send the wrong message to DS, as @ScrollingLeaves says, and I think he’ll be angry with me. I do still need to speak to the sw and get some further advice on it though.

I know I need to think about Christmas, and as much as it makes my teeth clench I suppose I may have to consider inviting them both if I want to see him. It’s really not how I want to spend xmas day but there you go.

Also, can I just say I’m so grateful for the support, encouragement and kind advice everyone is offering and if I haven’t responded to you directly it’s not because of any particular reason. It may not seem like it but this thread is acting as a great source of support for me so thank you. I read the replies often, especially in the evenings and at night when I can’t sleep for worrying, and because of that I am going to start another when this one is full as some of you have advised.

I would love to see some resources if you have the time. Anything that I can use to help me remain calm and keep communication positive will be greatly received. I nearly bit my tongue in half trying not to snatch the phone from him and scream at her to fuck off.

@PurpleLampShades That would have had any decent Mother's blood pressure soaring, too..You did so well not to do exactly that.

One day, you will look back at this, and it will be a distant, nightmarish memory.
While one is living through this, it feels as though one is swimming through treacle, but your son surely will come to see how unhealthy this wretched woman is.

She will one day be just a bad memory, spoken of with a shudder.

Keep the faith.

Being a single divorced mum to a teenage boy is especially hard, even more when his Dad {for better or worse} is no longer alive.

It's a good thing your husband had the good sense to put conditions on the inheritance.

I know I need to think about Christmas, and as much as it makes my teeth clench I suppose I may have to consider inviting them both if I want to see him. It’s really not how I want to spend xmas day but there you go.

At least Christmas gives you an excuse to ask questions. Christmas is about family. What about hers? I'm sure you'd love to meet them. If they're in a serious relationship that's what families of adults in relationships do, isn't it?

She either doesn't have any, is estranged or is lying to them. Might be useful to find out which.

If worst comes to it, and you do invite the two of them to yours, do you have any family or trusted friends that could join you? Partly as a support to you but also to start throwing some sunlight onto this for both of them. If it's all hunky dory, how could they have a problem with that?

Great post. Lots of important useful points.

If he quits college child benefit stops. Might be worth telling him that. Not good that he's not at college after you gave him money for that.