To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

He was at college today. I phoned and checked so that’s good. I didn’t get a reply to my text. I suppose I wasn’t really expecting one. It says it’s been read so I hope that’s by him.

The mash people are going to follow everything up so I’m hoping that I’ll hear from people in the next few days and DS will be seen and assessed by them and the police.

It’s so good he’s still going to college.

It's
Going in the right direction op - x

Thanks for update purple. Have college expressed any concern for him? Not sure if you mentioned upthread that they were going to report to mash too..

Last time I spoke to the college safeguarding person they said they were going to check in with him regularly, keep an eye on things and would escalate if they had concerns. I spoke to someone else yesterday just to confirm he’d turned up.

@PurpleLampShades

Hang in there, it will get better I promise you 💐

DM me if you want to talk x

Ah ok. Mash will try to call college to gather any evidence from them.
Would college agree to alert you of any days he doesn't turn up?
Hope you're feeling ok this evening. I think you mentioned that you work - I hope you've felt able to tell your boss what's going on and they've been supportive x

I am so sad you don’t feel you can come fire and seek support from your friends OP.

If you were my friend I would desperately want to be able to be a listening ear and be there for you. I definitely wouldn’t judge you and am pretty sure all parents of teen boys (or all teens for that matter) are thinking there but for the grace of god. We know this could be any of us in your situation. Tbh I’m shocked how easily this can happen and how little the powers that be seem to consider the safeguarding and grooming angle. It’s unbelievable that turning 16 seems to give the green light to an older person to effectively take a child from their home.

you are behaving with such grace and dignity. It must be taking all your strength to play the long game even though you know it’s the best plan. I admire you.

Really hoping he makes contact with you soon.

Been following your thread since I posted after your first post. Just wanted to say you are doing all the right things. Don’t give up hope. UnMumsnet-y hugs 💐

Heard from the mash person today asking for more information so told them everything I had written down. They’re gathering information from the various people like college and are going to do an assessment to decide what to do. They said they will go and see DS either tomorrow or on Monday. Also heard from the vulnerable people unit who I told the same stuff to and about the mash. They said they will leave it with mash because they will contact the police if they think any action is needed by them but I should contact police again if I have urgent concerns about DS.

Haven’t heard from DS. It’s nearly three weeks now.

I've been following your posts.

Op I'm so sorry that you and your son are in this position.

I truly hope that things get resolved and your son comes home, with the help he needs.

Wishing you all the best and sending virtual hugs and gin.

I hope he gets in contact soon 💐

Definitely speak to the college and call social services and police again. If that doesn’t work go and see your MP and ask them to contact the social services department on your behalf.

Also worth ringing the national domestic violence helpline, explain its about your son and ask for advice. NSPCC might be able to advise too as he’s under 18.

I’m so sorry, OP, you must be frantic.

Well done purple. This must be so surreal and overwhelming for you.

Just on to sympathise with all you’re going through, absolutely heartbreaking. I really hope the agencies help resolve this soon x

He will come home, like I said upthread, my dd did this , I was sick with worry as the man she was with was an absolute wrongun. She did come home, it was rocky at first but she was home.

Thanks for the kind messages of support. They are appreciated.
Woke up to a text from his phone that was sent at 2:30am telling me he’s ok and I don’t need to worry, followed by another straight after telling me not to text back. I haven’t, but am I wrong in being a bit concerned that he’s sending things like that in the middle of the night?

Try not to read too much into it. Take the positives, he's text you, he's going to college. The MASH team are looking into it, things are moving in the right direction but just slower than you'd like them too. You will always be his mother, she may or may not always be his significant other.

I can understand your concerns completely but agree this is positive, he is reaching out and is a good result of how you've handled this by showing him you are there and respectfully stepping back. I'd report this to the police and college asap this morning together with your concerns at the timing.

If he's starting to wobble he'll have a tonne of pride to overcome to reach out to you, so he could really do with someone else checking in with him as well.

Yes I suppose you’re right about it being positive in some ways. You can’t help but think the worst can you? You need others to point out and reframe it to see it differently sometimes. I’ll phone the mash person today to let them know.

I wonder if a sw text him yesterday and this woman is starting to worry. The 230am would worry me too. But it's not unusual for teenagers to be up late, left to their own devices.

Has a sw been allocated yet? Pass on all new info to them, ask for a meeting with them at your house if they haven't already offered. And ask for their advice about your ongoing contact with him. Personally I would reply - 'I'm your mum and no matter what happens I'll always be here for you'. And I would keep texting every few days. But that's me and I'm not in your situation. I just don't think stopping texting sends the right message and also, you don't need to be bossed around by a 16 Yr old and 27 Yr old. You are far wiser than both of them. Not pleading or desperate texts, just clear- I'm still here, texts

Try not to read too much. Appreciate the contact.

He could be messaging when she is asleep.

@PurpleLampShades

That's great news, I'm so pleased for you 😊 I'd perhaps text him back during college hours, say how pleased you are to hear from him and you're glad he's doing ok.

I agree that teenagers keep odd hours left to their own devices so a 2.30am text isn't necessarily worrying but I would hedge my bets and reply when he's likely not to be with his girlfriend, just in case he's contacting you without her knowledge.

Keep going, things are beginning to turn around OP 💐

Yes a sw is leading the assessment. I have their contact details. There will be a meeting after they’ve got all the information they need. That’s a good idea about texting back in college hours. I’ll do that.