To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

That's a really good idea, even if it's just a thank you for letting me know. At least he'll know he hasn't burnt his bridges with you.

I agree that he will have a lot of pride to overcome, so I would text that he can always come home, no questions asked.

Normal hours for that age, I would not read anything into it. It is good he texted you. But he obviously does not want a text conversation.

That’s great that he has done that. My first thought was that he is texting you when she isn’t watching and also he doesn’t want to risk a text coming from you when he is about. If the relationship is in any way controlling that would make sense.

I wouldn’t reply now as you don’t want to risk damaging this small thread he has linked back to you.
I would wait a few days at least however hard that is and then do a college hours text next week.
are you going to football again? That might be a way to silently show you are still there and still on his side.

This is brilliant progress and your hard work is starting to pay off. Sorry I’ve been quiet, been head down working 💐

I would not assume anything about her controlling him texting. It may be the case it may not.
The important thing is he has texted. I would text a thank you, lots of love mum - but nothing else.
Is he going to college still?

I'd agree with others, this is forward progress albeit slow.

Take it as positive.

Well the ball is definitely rolling now. Just had a very unhappy text telling me he was pulled out of his lessons this morning to talk to the safeguarding person and a social worker. He is very unhappy with me. How could I do that to him. I’m making everything worse. The police already spoke to them and said it was all fine. I’m ruining his life. I’m making stuff up because I don’t like her. She’s going to be really upset. Now he’ll have to fix it with her because of what I’ve done. I’m the one causing all the problems not her. etc etc.

I don’t want to say I’m sorry about getting people involved because I’m not. I’m glad that they’re talking to him and looking into it.

@PurpleLampShades

Take a breath, he's stressed, he's blaming you but look at what he's saying...he's got to fix it with her...

He isn't railing against you, he's worried about explaining to his girlfriend what's going on.

From experience, this may not appear to be a positive but it honestly is I promise you. He hasn't quite realised it yet but it's beginning to percolate through that he's not where he wants to be but he can't admit that to himself, let alone anyone else.

Stay strong, I know that's easier said than done (I've offered before but I'm offering again, DM me if you feel it would help you)

Take it as a big positive that he did contact you and accept that he's going to push back against you "interfering"

It's massively telling to me that he's texted you when she's quite possibly asleep, asked you not to message him back (see my earlier message today) and his primary concern now seems to be how to explain everything to her...

Keep going, you're doing the right thing, the best thing, and it will work out in the end. I honestly know it doesn't feel like it will ever happen but it will.

@stillvicarinatutu if you're around, do you have anything to add? Should @PurpleLampShades be contacting anyone else/ doing anything else that I (or PPs) haven't advised? Apologies for tagging you, I appreciate that you're working (family are Job) but you have been a consistent voice of reason and reassurance for OP 💐

Hi OP. I've been following this and thinking of you but haven't posted much.

I would just be honest and reply telling him that you're very worried about the age gap and that's why you got others involved, but you love him and you're not meaning to make his life difficult. Keep it short and to the point. He might go back to not messaging you now but it's important that he's been visited by people today as it will be sending him a message that his relationship is not considered normal and a potential cause for concern.

I'm late twenties and a mother myself. I'm completely baffled by this 27yr old woman. You should absolutely not say sorry for worrying about him. x

I would text back - I understand you feel angry T me, and that's ok. But social workers ar

Posted too soon

Social workers aren't doing me a favour, they don't go and see children just to make mums feel better. They go and see children if they themselves are worried

From the speed of them seeing him from when you called mash, I wonder if they're doing a s47 investigation - have they said that op?

He was always going to lash out, so that's not unexpected.

Why is he having to "fix" things? Does that mean that they've talked to her too? After all, he doesn't have to tell her that they're talking to him in college.

I text him back that I understand he might be angry but I love him and there are concerns that need to be looked into. No reply.

The sw phoned me not long ago. They have spoken to both of them today to gather more information and are having a meeting next week to determine what needs to be done. She explained it was a section 47 enquiry and the meeting is to make sure all agencies share any information and make a joint decision. They will decide if it meets section 47 or not. But either way she said they will want to put some kind of plan in place. She said something about section 17 and child in need plan which is a level below section 47 if I’m right in thinking. I’m not sure what any of the plans will do because she said DS needs to consent to it?

I like the sound of a ‘plan’ whatever that means.

I also think it’s very positive that he has texted you twice, even if it is to be upset with you. He’s engaging, which is very good.

I like that you did text. Good idea about texting so it doesn’t ‘ping’ when she is around.

I would in my next text - whenever that should be - to just kindly say that you love him, that you will always be there for him, that he’s not in trouble with you in any way and that he is welcome to contact, text, visit, or come home or meet up any time day or night. Tell him some great things that you love about him. And then leave him a little while and then send another ‘just checking in, love you x’ type text at a ‘good time’ ie when he is likely not to be with her.

It's also encouraging that they've not dismissed this and are taking it seriously.

If nothing else, it surely must register with him that it’s not just ‘boring old mum’ who thinks what has happened might not be right. Get him thinking.

He thinks I’ve been telling the sw things that aren’t true to make them think it’s more of an issue than it is.

I’d just avoid any discussion of that with him, just repeat that you love him and available to him at any time.

Of course he will be angry, but that is his immaturity and best left to just unwind itself out, as his GF will no doubt be telling him there is nothing wrong. The services will let him know more when they talk with him, and slowly, it might sink in a little that it is not just you. But his initial reaction will just be to blame you. Which is OK as you are his strength and he can bat against you - as long as you stay steady and consistent.

I see. Hopefully that will lessen as time goes by and he realises they are seeing things themselves and making up their own minds.

Just hang in there OP, you are doing so well (I know it doesn't feel like it to you but you are being an absolutely amazing mum)

The agencies involved will do their various things, it will probably be slow but it's moving ok?

Keep looking after yourself, you are going to need to be strong to get through this and out the other side.

Giving yourself some downtime to rest and recuperate isn't taking anything away from your son, it's making sure that you're going to be strong enough mentally and physically to keep fighting for him now and to be in a good place when he comes home to you 💐

Don't get into a text war with him about it, let him vent and don't respond...

If he keeps texting saying he's angry, you're this that and the other, just read it (in case he can see you are reading it) and let it go...

Monday, during college hours, text him back that you love him, you're sorry if he's upset but you just want him to be happy and safe (in that order)

Xx

I wouldn’t reply beyond what you have but if he has put things like needing to make things up to her in the messages I would send them on to the services involved as they may contribute to a picture of her control.

It's odd how my advice that the current tactics were going to risk him leaving college, push him even closer to her and make him even more resentful got me name called, ridiculed, sworn at and hounded off the thread because you all know better....