To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Thats what I’m afraid of. If I back off her using it to get in his head that I don’t care. But if I don’t back off she could use that too. I’ll go to the football. I’d rather he hate me for being there than hate me for not. Thank you.

I've been through similar and this is exactly how I felt!
It didn't matter what we did, she could twist it to turn him against us.

My DS girlfriend also used to answer his calls or message me from his phone and he used to have to turn off his phone at a certain time of night when he went to live with her.

I know I'm in Australia so things might be a bit different, but there was nothing anyone could do. The police can do a welfare check but they couldn't make him come home.

I recommend messaging him regularly to say that you love him and miss him, but don't bombard him. I think I found teenage boys are sort of like cats, in that the more you try and get their attention and their love the more they back off. Whereas if you back off a bit first then they will come to you (eventually).

It will be the hardest thing you'll have to do, it'll kill you on the inside, but I found it the best approach. Also get some counselling for yourself.

I can’t imagine the pain and turmoil you are in OP. I desperately hope someone can make this better for you soon.
How can a 15/16 year old not be considered as exploited in this situation.

I assume the police have run background checks on her but do any of his friends or locals know anything about her? Does she have form for this at all? If she’s a friend of a friend then can you do some subtle digging? Any suggestion she has acted similarly in the past or been involved with drugs and young teens etc would surely make them take more notice? Or would you get in trouble for asking?

Oh sweetheart. I totally understand you not going to dinner as I would be the same. I do really think that you should reach out to one or 2 trusted friends though. Its a horrible thing to be going through alone and you understandably feel helpless. It isn't helpless though, and I am confident this will get picked up and assessed if you phrase it as 'significant risk of emotional harm to due grooming and exploitation starting when he was 15'

Well done going to football. Teenagers are like toddlers. They need you to stand strong and firm against all their meltdowns and push back. They need consistency and when this is over he will know, my mum kept fighting for me. A part of him will know it now, despite the stories she will be spinning.

Would it help you to chat more on here, to reflect on how this unravelled over the last few months? Please do keep posting if it's helpful.

Thedogscollar · 05/10/2022 11:04

@LuckyLil
Right now you need to back off completely.

On behalf of the OP and all the other posters on this thread can you please take your own advice and stop posting on here.

Absolutely nothing you say is helpful or said from a background of knowledge. You are deliberately antagonistic and come across as a very twisted individual.

Well of course the helpful thing to do would have been to advise OP to back off a little to reduce the pressure, but instead you all egg her on to keep up the pressure which has now pushed him even further away just so you can all rally round enjoying the drama.

What is not helpful is giving OP false hope and unrealistic expectations. I mean seriously, there is still no evidence whatsoever of control yet you all fill her head with arrests, @LuckyLil@LuckyLilrestraini, getting MASH to MAKE her talk to OP about what she wants? you are the twisted I individual @LuckyLil@LuckyLil@LuckyLil

OP I'd go to football but not speak to him at all. To show you're still there for him but respect that he doesn't want to speak to you right now. I'd stop phoning as he's asked and see football as your way of showing you're there for him even if you're not speaking.

Unless she is in a position of authority working with children, for example if she was a member of staff at his college, the LADO will not look into this. It's not in their remit at all.

Definitely talk to the Safeguarding lead at his college though. They won't have any powers to 'stop' the relationship but they can check in with your son regularly to make sure he's OK. If he is actually living with this woman and a parent has expressed that they believe the relationship to be controlling or abusive then I would expect tjr college to make a referral to Children's Services as he is under 18. However, they have no influence over what if any action CS decide to take.

Well I went to the football but he wasn’t even there. The coach said he’s missed the last two training sessions and the match today and if he doesn’t turn up for training this week he won’t be picked for any further matches until he does turn up. I told the coach briefly what’s been happening and he said he’ll message DS again. I asked him not to let on that he knows or saw me. This is not usual for DS. He loves playing football and is normally a very reliable teammate, so I can’t understand it.

I think he met her in March but I don’t know for certain. I’ve been racking my brains trying to remember the parties he’s been to this year (that I know about anyway). I know a few of his friends have older sisters so have been trying to narrow it down but I just can’t think. All l know is his behaviour started changing around March time and I remember thinking he might have got himself a girlfriend. You know how they suddenly start dressing a bit differently and taking more interest in how they look and their hygiene and that sort of thing. I asked him a few times but he said no he didn’t.

Hey op - do t be afraid to talk to your friends - they won't judge you - they'll judge her . But you need allies and friends .

I would give the VP team another week then ring back to 101 and ask then f they might be able to give you some idea on when you may hear something.
I knew it wouldn't be fast because he's not at immediate risk.

That's both a worry but also good evidence for when the boys unit ring - it shows that he is becoming isolated and his behaviour is changing. You must tell them this - I'd give it till mid week and ring 101 back and ask where the incident has gone and whose going to be ringing you .

Vp unit not
Boys unit

And I know it's exhausting but don't give up with the police - keep
Pushing ! They should be the lead on this . Push it .

You have just proven my point.
You are totally devoid of:
Understanding
Empathy
Knowledge in these situations
Not realising when your input isn't wanted or required.
Being able to read the room.
I'm sure you will continue to witter on about it though as it seems you are getting some sort of kick out if it.

Im sorry he wasn't at football, I imagine you were nervous about seeing him / her and then sad and worried not to see him. As vicar says, more evidence he is being isolated and groomed. Well done telling the coach, the more adults around him that know whats going on the better. Are you able to reach out to any of his friends / their parents? Find out any info from them? Sorry if you've answered that previously.

I do strongly recommend a call to mash. Everything in children's services is to tight timescales- they will have to carry out a comprehensive assessment within 45 days, safety planning and coordinating getting other services involved will be part of that. Having both police and SS involved will mean a joint approach. SS work more closely with risk than police - my understanding is that police will proceed with an investigation if they think there is enough evidence to potentially charge. SS have a lower evidential threshold to intervene and work more with risk of harm than evidence of harm, if that makes sense.

Also, you are absolutely not a terrible mum. You sound heartbroken and weary, which is very understandable, any of us would be. This woman is a harmful predator

I’ve been writing it all down. I haven’t reached out to his friends or their parents as yet. I’m not sure if I should. They might tell him I’ve been snooping around or something. I’ll look up the number for our mash and phone them tomorrow and if the police unit haven’t been in touch by Wednesday night I’ll phone 101 again.

I just sent him a text, just saying I know he said not to text him and I’m trying to respect that but just wanted to tell him I love him, miss him and hope he’s ok. I will make myself not text again now for a few days.

You're not snooping op, your rightly worried about his welfare and want to find out more about the situation so you can make a better informed decision on how he may be best protected. His safety trumps his feelings at this point.

It’s so hard trying to figure out how to balance this. I’m really scared I’ll just never see him again. I just don’t understand how this happened. Why my DS? This is what I’m trying to figure out. Why has she picked him? I never thought in a million years anything like this would ever happen.

Of course it is. X
You're right in the thick of it - it's so much easier to give advice/ feel clear about what needs doing, when you're on the outside looking in.

It must be such a shock for you. And it's so hard to get into the minds of pedophiles and understand them, when their behaviour is so abhorrent. The mind boggles.

You and your boy will get through this @PurpleLampShades . It will take time, persistence and perseverance, but we are here for you.

@PurpleLampShades You will have contact again. This relationship will not last.
Does he know to use contraception and do you think he will?

Yes he knows about contraception, and I would normally say yes he definitely would use it but if she tells him he doesn’t need to then I don’t know.

You’re doing really well and that text after 5 days was perfect.

That text was great, OP. Well done.

Stay strong.

I'd check he turns up at college tomorrow. Worrying that he doesn't appear to be doing his football training, his friends from there and college will remind him of how a 16 year old life should be.

Op I'm now logged into laptop if you wanna pm me .

Tell me which force you're with . Who has dealt so far and I'll try and help further - I'm sure I can help . X