To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I think limited contact approach is best. They probably see themselves as star crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet.

You minimising contact takes away the drama and excitement, it will bring home quicker.

This ☝️

the police won’t do anything because at 16 you are old enough to get married. In England you need parental consent until 18 but in Scotland you don’t. This is why Gretna Green was so popular for eloping young couples. They could cross the border and get married at 16. So I think the police see it as a legal relationship.

@PurpleLampShades I’m so sorry you’re still going through this. I feel sick for you.

Massive handhold.

Have been thinking of you op. And sorry I didn't get back to your questions about specialist services - the first one that springs to my mind are Barnados - they did pioneering work around CSE when it first became recognised as a risk.

Otherwise, the specialist sexual abuse service in your area could be useful to talk to and may be able to advise.

As you say, each area have different provision, but I would also be looking to sign you and your boy up to family therapy once he is in a place of safety, to look at repairing the rupture in your relationship. This is offered in the local authority I work for, but I know not all have this

How are you getting on OP? Have been thinking of you and DS, hope you're ok

I’m just trying to keep myself busy and distracted as best I can. It’s horrible not seeing or speaking to him or knowing if he’s okay.

Have the VP unit not been in touch yet ?

No, not yet. Still waiting.

That's ok - I expected it would be a while. Please tho update me when they have been In touch .

Apologies that's a reply to
The wrong thread ! I'm reported it ! Sorry

@PurpleLampShades I can only imagine just how awful this must be for you. Honestly, I’m viewing the impending teenage years with trepidation.

💐🌷🌺 I hope it all works out and your ds is okay.

What are you wanging on about. He’s 16

I recommend you putting a call in to your local mash OP. Make sure you say they met when he was 15, he left home on ?date and he has cut contact with you since then. Say you are worried he is at significant risk of emotional harm due to being groomed and sexually exploited by a 27 Yr old woman and you want an assessment to fully understand the risks to him and to ensure he is appropriately safeguarded from future and ongoing emotional harm.

I would hope they pick it up, and if they do the duty is to see the child within 5 working days.

Isn’t that what the police are part of? Won’t they be contacting the MASH?

@PurpleLampShades the police are part of mash yes. I'm not sure of the timescales the VP unit work to. If you call it into mash, as part of their checks they will see its gone to VP - it could help to speed up the process.

I'm so incredibly sorry for what you're experiencing. Given her controlling behaviour- would the domestic abuse team within the local authority have advice? They will have a YPVA (young person's violence advisor I think) who could help? Or Respect have a phone line for male victims of abuse and you can call as a worried family member. Domestic abuse is any family or intimate relationship so those services should e able to advise maybe. I know you've already had some amazing advice but just trying to think of other local statutory agencies who may get involved. They would often sit on a MASH too and any agency can refer a person to a MASH, not just the police

What realistically will happen? Will they arrest her? Bring him home? Put a restraining order on her? What can they do if they both deny anything bad is happening? There’s little to be done is there?

Let the vp unit know everything you've said here and what your concerns are , and ask them that exact question but do t feed them that you believe nothing can be done - ask them what they can do - dont preempt anything. Do t give them any excuse to say well ....no nothing we can do really - ask them what they CAN do .

The important thing is that this began BEFORE he was 16 . That's what you need to press .

No they won't get a restraining order without a conviction.

It's now a legal relationship- but what's no legal is when this began and how . Ok so you must tell them that .

Also press the fact he's moved out and has completely become isolated with her - that he is not making any contact with you even when asked to .

You're right they can't wave a magic wand so to speak - get involved and everything will go back to normal. But as outsiders to the family - they will begin the process of bursting their bubble - by speaking to him alone, speaking to her alone, asking her why she's not supportive of him building a relationship with you, why she hasn't made an effort to speak to you, to put it crudely, she will be told to begin doing these things, to encourage your boy to spend time at home, as that is what is best for him. If she refuses to do these things, or doesn't engage at all, it would be considered further evidence that he is at risk of significant harm and they may ramp up their efforts (usually this is a child protection plan)

What she needs spelling out is that at 16, if he is refusing to come home, he can technically sign himself into care. But carers are not people children have sexually relationships with. At the moment he is still a child and in need of a parent/guardian. She cannot be both.

Thank you both. That’s helpful to know. I’ve been writing down everything I can remember to tell them when they contact me.

DS has a football match today. I was going to go and watch but I’ve talked myself out of it as I’m worried it’s the wrong thing to do. It’s not an unusual thing for me to do. I watch him play a lot. I really want to see and speak to him but don’t want him to feel like it’s an ambush or anything. I haven’t text or rung him like the message asked me to. It’s been 5 days since I sent the last one and not had any contact except that message saying stop texting him. I haven’t seen him for two weeks. It’d be okay to send a text today wouldn’t it? Just a casual hope football was ok or something?

Yes I would. Something along the lines of - i haven't text so far as you've asked me not to. But I want you to know I think about you always , and I'm here for you at any time, no matter what.

I would be tempted to go and watch him play, but I know it's complicated. You want him to know you are still there for him and will always be there for him. Is there somewhere you can stand where its not obvious?

I imagine you backing away will be used by her against you - as in, look how much you don't care, kind of thing. You need to show an unwavering strength that you will be there and continue being there, no matter what is thrown at you. I really hope you have some good friends / a partner, that is there for you, this must be crushing for you, and you need somewhere soft to land.

Thats what I’m afraid of. If I back off her using it to get in his head that I don’t care. But if I don’t back off she could use that too. I’ll go to the football. I’d rather he hate me for being there than hate me for not. Thank you.

I was supposed to be having dinner with some friends last night but I cancelled because I just couldn’t face it. I feel like if I tell people they’re going to be horrified and judge me for being a terrible mother.