To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I'm glad they're taking it a bit more seriously OP!

I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to get in touch but I hope it’s not too long.

He's not in immediate danger or risk so might be a day of two before you hear anything.

My toes are curling slightly at no child concern forms in as yet - but ask that question when VP unit get in touch . And please make sure you tell them EVERYTHING.

As an aside have you ever met this "gf" ? I'd wait until you find out what police VP unit are planning , is he a mature 16 op ?

I'm glad you're being heard, OP.

I’ve never met her, just seen her briefly when she picked him up. He is fairly mature in some ways but not in others. Emotionally he varies.

All I'm wondering is would he come home if you said you'd meet his "girlfriend " ....? (Not to slap her )
Where he is living is the big bear at the moment - the relationship is now legal - what if you said come home , you can see her , and I'll meet her .?

But wait until police have done their bit . She must realise why any mother would have major reservations about this "relationship " . See if the police want to look into whether grooming could be proven , if not I'd start looking at compromises with him - I would hope however the VP unit will want to dig a little .

*bug bear

And you tell them you want them to dig - when they contact you

I don’t really want to enable it but I suppose I’m going to have to consider that if things don’t get sorted any other way.

Based on recent experiences, it may be weeks, if not months, before the police do anything. BTW this wouldn't have been the case even a few years ago, and I'm not saying it's their fault. But the police, like all public services, are having to do more with less, and in my experience (of working with this age group in schools) is that even quite serious incidents involving under 16s are not being dealt with at a reasonable speed. If you keep chasing the police, something further may happened, but it's possible they will now try and fob you off due to lack of resources.

I do think college is the way forwards here- they will be concerned about him living away from home as a 16yo in any environment, let alone one where he's living with an older girlfriend only. In reality, they would probably like him to come home, because they know his attendance/grades will likely suffer otherwise, and there could be further issues down the road. His teachers/lecturers will care because they know him, but also the college will care, as they know they will very often be the ones picking up the pieces if it all goes wrong (not police or social care increasingly).

I'd contact them again and explain he hasn't been in touch. I'd ask if they'd be willing to facilitate a meeting between the two of you. They may not be willing to do this, but they are the people with the most invested (after you) in getting him to come back home and keeping lines of communication open, so they may be willing to get involved on this level.

If they can't do this, I would still try and keep in regular contact with someone like his tutor- make sure they are aware he can always go home to you if something has gone wrong with his living situation etc.

I think now it's been raised as a complaint and will get looked into by their VP unit at least means it's going to the right dept who have more experience in safeguarding and possible exploitation. They should contact mum and discuss the concerns, and I'd be surprised if they simply file it without acting in some capacity.

It appears that some forces haven't learned the lessons of other forces that failed in this area .

I just got a text from his phone telling me to stop texting him. Don’t know what to do now. Should I stop or carry on trying to let him know I’m here no matter what?
Hes only been at the college for a few weeks so his teachers etc don’t know him that well yet, but I will try to keep communication going with them.

Maybe keep texting but less often.

Why don't you agree twice weekly text from him so that you know he is ok to keep lines of communication open?

How often are you text him? Every two or three days tops, no questions or anything seeking a response at all. Any pets cousins siblings?

Oh gosh this is so hard and you need to think long and hard about how to respond (if at all). I'm thinking on the positive side he hasn't blocked you but asked you to stop. That tells me on some level he doesn't want want to cut contact completely. I'd be tempted to send one more saying you'll respect his wishes and give him some space, that you know none of this is easy for him but to please remember you are always here for him. This way he also knows you are not saying you'll never contact him again (which he might find hard to come back from in the future). I hope others have some good advice...

Ask why he doesn't want contact from you - explain that yku simply want to stay in touch .

This would worry me - ensure you tell the VP unit abkut this because it seems he is alienating his family in favour of this ridiculous relationship. If there's no concerns and nothing to hide - why is he acting like this ?

What was your relationship like prior to him leaving to live with her ?

Also
Does it sound like it's come from him or her ?

I feel for you Op . My dd went to live with a very undesirable lad when she was 16 , he was 19 . I was able to access therapy called multi systemic therapy which was brutal tbh. I had a therapist available to me 24 /7 and they told me step by step what I had to do. They stayed on the phone with me while I went to his place and had to knock on the door relentlessly until they (dd and bf ) threatened to call the police . They didn't as he had already been arrested for theft and didn't want any more trouble. I kept banging on the door until the neighbour called the police, the bf was scared and told dd she had to leave. She eventually came home with me.
I'm not suggesting you do this but I would tell him that you will continue to text him as you are his mum, you love him and are worried. He may have gone to live with this woman but he doesn't get to call all the shots.

There needs to be some dialogue because he needs to know that while you have PR he could be brought back - if he wants to stay where he is you at very least need to know he's ok .

I would wait a day or two - then text something to that affect .

It's saying I'm open to negotiation but if you completely cut me off I can act - in a way that's not as hard hitting .

Please note everything and update the VP unit when they do contact you .

You need to speak softly and carry a big stick imo- yep you're open to discussion - but that has to happen - if he is unwilling to even speak then he needs to know that raises the concern and that has consequences.
I'd make that very plain but not brutal .

I feel for you OP, such a horrible situation. I’d just send maybe a twice weekly text. Just to say you’re thinking of him, the door is always open etc. I really hope they take this seriously, he is very young to be living with a 26yr old woman.

I would say given his age it's probably very sexual for him at the moment especially being with an older experienced woman . I think this is an infatuation that will probably burn out eventually. I just hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant. So sorry op .

Basically you need to let him know if he wants to be a grown up he needs to act like one .

If he wants to be a child then you'll act for him .

He has a choice . This is all pretty good evidence for the VP unit if your relationship before this was good .

Keep every communication you have with him . When the cops unit call you ask to meet them . They may visit you or suggest you go in to the station .
But ask to meet in person .
Write everything down. Do t miss anything out . Raise everything with them .

I’ve sent him one text a day since Sunday. I haven’t tried to ring him or anything since Friday. I don’t know if it’s from him or her or both of them. No pets or siblings or anything. It’s just me and him and it’s always been fine. We would watch films and tv together, eat together, I’d even play a PlayStation game with him sometimes if he let me (I’m not very good at them). He would help with some of the chores without having to be nagged. He’s never really been talkative so always been a challenge to get him to open up about how he feels but sometimes we’d have some good chats. I just don’t understand what’s gone wrong.