To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

When the VP unit call *

Leave him for a few days.

Does he have access to money?

He has his own bank account and gets £150 a month paid in from money his dad left him.

And im saying leave it to let it de-escalate. While you’re texting daily and sending the police round it’s all very dramatic and exciting. Let it get boring and let her have to pay to keep him and suddenly it gets less exciting.

You need to take the drama out of this for both your sakes. He’s at no (more) immediate risk, he’s there and that’s happened. Sit back, wait, when he comes back (and he will) there may be a long road to go then.

I think the one positive is that he's at college. I'd be wary of making him think they're on your side, so personally I think trying to get them to facilitate a meeting could be counterproductive. As his parent obviously college should be letting you know if he's not attending or falling behind with his work.
He's asked you not to text so for now I'd respect his wishes . Obviously that changes if anything else comes to light.

£150 a month won’t go far, does he have travel costs college etc? Did he take clothes and things with him?

You need to make sure he can’t sneak in the house to get stuff while you are out too.

Op - you're doing really well love . This isn't you . It's not your fault .

If he wants to play it this way I suggest one text back saying something along the lines of ;

Son , I'm open to talking but if you want to be treated as n adult then please don't simply cut me off . I love you and care about you and it's perfectly normal for a mum to want to maintain contact with her son and his partner - it's worrying me that this is happening.
If you want to be treated as an adult then you need to act like one , you are still in the eyes of the law a child - and I'm saying I'm open to talking about this - but if I continue to be stonewalled you aren't going to leave me any choice but to use the fact I'm still your mother with sole parental responsibility for you - I don't want to do that - so we need to talk .

Something like that op that says I'm willing to talk but I do still call the shots - you know him so word it how you would .

Just to echo, it’s definitely not your fault.

She lives near enough to college that he could walk but she also drives so maybe she gives him lifts. I don’t know. He took some things with him but not a lot. I just don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want to make things worse but I don’t want him to think I’m just going to leave him to it. I want him to know this is his home and it always will be, no matter what.

Vicar you have provided some fantastic safeguarding advice but although OP has parental responsibility, a 16yr old would not be forced back home.

PR is described as a dwindling responsibility as the child gets older and courts will hesitate to enforce.
CP and CSE units can work with the young person and I really hope there are referrals submitted to the specialist team.

De-escalate.

Dont make it cosier for him there.

Give some space and then send a very neutral text in a few days. Don’t talk about your relationship or her or anything like that. Something like, check out x programme youlll find it funny. Keep it light and normal.

You know the old saying about don’t make a drama out of a crisis, now’s the time you need to do that. However you need some support, do you have a good friend or anyone you can lean on a bit? This is hard. I know. I’ve done it.

A gently worded text but with something behind it - to let him know you're willing to talk , his home will always be there , but that his actions in cutting you off are causing concern that you WILL act on if he continues to refuse contact. ...he needs to know you are not completely powerless.
I'd wait until you speak to a detective from the VP unit - but you must tell them everything and how concerned you are and why .
Make it clear this began before he turned 16 . List everything and like I said ask for a face to face meeting with the VP unit .
Hang on in there . X

Maybe text back something like

You know I love you and I'm your mum so the door is always open. I do worry about you so would appreciate if you could contact me on x days just so I know you are ok.

He will be furious with you for calling the police no doubt but give him a few days .

Do you know what she does as I wonder if her employers are aware she has a 16yr old boyfriend?

Let's see what the VP unit make of it because in theory he could be removed to a place of safety- even if that's not home - and he needs to know that threat is real (whether it would be enforced or not) just to give him and her something to think about .....

She's treading a very very fine line as a 26 year old adult so a veiled threat might give some food for thought - but my advice is wait to speak to VP unit first and meet the officer that gets this to investigate.
Be guided by them .

Do you know what she does as I wonder if her employers are aware she has a 16yr old boyfriend

Also , do her friends and family know what she's doing. It would certainly raise a few eyebrows (I hope) if she rocks up to a family do with a 16 year old in tow.

I'd give him some space. You know where he is even if you're unhappy about it.

Don't risk him blocking your number, then communication is going to be really hard.

I'm really relying on the VP unit to take this seriously and actually do more than give lip service. I'll be incredibly disappointed if they aren't as diligent as they should be - but even that's not the end of the road .

Op - please do tell them she was his girlfriend prior to him turning 16 . And he was only 16 in July .

Keep me posted - I'll keep advising if you want and if it helps .

Do t text him back yet - talk to Vp unit first - leave NOTHING out - including the fact he has cut you off - this raises massive alarm bells for me .
A normal relationship wouldn't be conducted so secretly and be so insular . This alone tells me something isn't right with the dynamics here . The VP unit should take this seriously, and if not - come back to me .

When I was in a similar, but different situation with one of my children, I text her every Tuesday at 12:30 and said “I love you and I’m here when you need me.” Nothing more.

I was given the advice from a psychotherapist I was seeing at the time about something else to resist the urge to ‘fill the gap’. What I mean by this is if I said “what you’re saying isn’t true.” or “I disagree with this.” it gave a window of opportunity for her to kick against, react to. Then it refuels the anger, etc etc.

Sorry, I’m probably not explaining it very well. It was bloody hard because the natural temptation is to go “This is wrong…” as you feel so desperate. She threw the book at me, but I kept to my script.

took about three months, but it worked and ironically we’re closer now than we’ve ever been.

IF the police don’t conclude that any criminal concerns are there for your son and therefore don’t forcibly remove him (or course this may happen) I think if you give him ultimatums he’ll likely block you and they’ll move house or something.

I’ve got a couple of friends but we’re more like social buddies than real, close friends. That’s why I’m writing on here really.
I don’t know what she does or whether she has family / friends round here.

I’m sorry you’re pretty alone here op, I had my husband and my best friend to lean on and it was still tough. @7eleven is giving great advice there.

Thank you everyone for your help and support me and advice especially stillvicar. I’d be sitting here a crying mess in the dark otherwise. A text every week should be ok. I’ll try and stick to that maybe, but god I hope I get to see him before 3 months has gone. I’ll leave it now till I speak to the police unit. My worse nightmare besides him being hurt would be if I got blocked and they left without me knowing.

Sweetheart, my child was twice your son’s age and hadn’t lived at home for 10 years and it was still one of the worst periods of my life. I can only imagine how you’re feeling.

Having been around teenagers in one way or another for 25 years, I think your son will be a twit (16 year old boys are, frequently), they’ll start to bicker because he’s on his game all night, the novelty of playing house will wear off and they’ll have a massive row.

I bet he’ll be knocking on your door, with a sheepish face in about two weeks.

You're very welcome my love and I'll continue to help in any way I can .

Stay strong . This will pass . X

OP How did they meet? I'm trying to think of somewhere that 15 year olds and 25/6 year olds would be together.

You've got a few more social buddies now OP