To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

We don’t have much family, none that live near either. I could try his football coach maybe. He’s known him since he was 11.

One more thing and I’ll shut up.

Boys love their mums. You’ve not lost him forever. I’d put money on it. X

Op you had a beat Bobby go out and do a safe and well check - the experts in this are the vulnerable persons unit because anyone aged under 18 is classed as a minor therefore vulnerable.

Did they submit child concern forms ????

The people this needs to get to are there PVP or equivalent- they deal with all child abuse / CAA so E type jobs . This has stopped at source and written off - that's why you need to call 101 and raise it again this time as a complaint . It needs to get to the right people. If you simply sit back and accept what's been said they won't even get to know about it . Raise a complaint in respect of the original incident number - then make a list of questions:
Who went - names and collar no.
Who is their Sgt and inspector- names and collar numbers.
Were any child concern forms submitted? Ref no if so .
We're the CSE team or vulnerable persons unit consulted ? (From what you've said I'm doubting this ) but get the answer.
How old is the woman involved ?
Ask for this to be referred to the PVP (or equivalent) protecting vulnerable persons unit .
Yes it's work but it's what needs to happen here .

It is well known that victims of CSE do not see themselves as victims. They often lie . That should not mean that it's not investigated further . You know this began before he was 16 .
Please follow my advice if you want this taking further . It's obviously up to you . But as a minimum child concern forms should have been submitted. It sounds like your force is not well versed in the arse kickings that have been given to other forces who repeatedly ignored CSe concerns . You will need to be persistent. Don't give up .

I’ll call them again. Thank you.

Even if you don't want her arrested etc or your boy won't cooperate- the police still have a duty of care - he is still a minor .
You don't have to be bolshy to raise a complaint- it's simply a call to 101 . It will get someone higher up the food chain looking at it . The people who need to have input are the vulnerable person's protection unit .

Keep me posted . X

I really feel for you OP this is terrifying

I would definitely try the football coach to drop him a text.
What about his friends? Do you know them or their parents at all to see how they view it and if he is cutting contact with them too?

The fact she’s answering his phone for him, because he’s upset about his mum ringing him, is a sign in itself. He’s likely upset because he’s 16 and emotionally immature and in a situation confusing to him.

@stillvicarinatutu has amazing advice there, turned this thread into a responsible safeguarding learning experience!
If I were you OP I’d persist with him regularly as well as doing what vicar says. I’m not sure there is one way to keep up with him, but I really don’t think there is any basis that the more you contact your son the more he is ‘pushed away’. I’ve read a few threads here of parents who tried to be cool and give their teens space - didn’t seem to make any difference. Loving, caring, persistent contact is just reminding him that he is not alone and you really care about him, and that this action isn’t right. Even if the police only visited, he will now know that the police will listen to him if he ever needs it again, and that this isn’t really ‘normal’.

Yes to keeping in touch . Gentle contact from you . Let the police be the bulldozers when this eventually lands on the ears and eyes of the right people.
Stay strong . And persist. You are a loving mum , if you weren't you wouldn't give a shit .

Just quietly plug away behind the scenes with police and social care - raise the complaint- and keep going while being there for him .

Sometimes police don't do the right thing first time - that's why I'm advising a complaint now to up the ante . It would be a very very brave force that keeps ignoring this .... I'll help as far as I can .

I agree with the advice about raising it further with the police.
But ultimately you need to try and rebuild your relationship to influence him. I have experience in my extended family of this. The child brought home just climbed out of the window as soon as they got a chance and went back. Unless the situation is severe enough that the adult could be jailed, then it is almost impossible to physically force a child of this age back home.

I don't think OP is worried about losing him. More that she's worried about what harm he'll come to with this woman in her 20s who's groomed him since he was 15.

I'd agree, you do still seem quite determined that he has to do what you want him to do and has to come home. I do find it quite telling that even after the police spent an hour with him and are satisfied that he is safe, there of his own will and not being controlled and coerced, regardless of this only one person is still absolutely determined to do anything possible by any means they can find to make him do what they want him to do, and that's not his girlfriend whom we were told was controlling and coercing him to make him do what she wanted him to do. I suppose the greatest tragedy is the lack of insight at continuing down a trajectory which is guaranteed to push him even further away, without even the slightest inclination that maybe he just doesn't want to be at home. What exactly are you planning on doing if he does return? Do you honestly think he'll stay there more than five minutes when you inevitably start wanting to control his phone use and prevent him from leaving the house? Even though it's the girlfriend who is controlling and coercing him to make him do what she wants him to do...

@LuckyLil you need to read up about safeguarding before you post anymore.

I think you'd be singing a different tune if my 27 year old son had your just turned 16 year old daughter living with him .

Not that he'd go anywhere near someone that age, they're still children 🤢

Ahh sorry, yes I think you are probably right about that 😑

I wonder why you would turn what is clearly meant to be a supportive message to the OP into something to criticise?

I didn't realise I was criticising tbh. But I thought it reduced OP's worry to how it would affect her. Maybe I misunderstood but my impression is the OP is worried about her DS now, not their relationship in the future and whether her son will come back to her or not. Sorry if you think that's criticising.

Fair point.

Just got off phone with the sergeant. He agreed it might need a bit more investigating so is going to make sure it gets referred to the protecting vulnerable persons unit. He said the unit will decide if a child concern form needs doing. He said someone from the unit will probably contact me before they do anything else.
Also spoke to college again today. They said they spoke to DS yesterday and he wasn’t very talkative but told them he is fine and promised to get in touch with me but he hasn’t yet. They’re going to keep an eye on him and keep checking in with him. I asked if they knew whether he had his phone with him but they didn’t know. They confirmed he’s there again today, which is good.
I sent DS a text saying I hope he’s ok and that he has a good day at college but nothing back.

Have you had confirmation how old this woman actually is?

She’s 26.

Just keep being in touch.he needs to no he can turn to you.if you stop and he needs you he will worry.the longer a silence between you the more barriers it creates in his mind of whether he can or might eventually contact you.so just be heard.just make sure he knows your there.

Well I'm glad you did that op - like I said just needs to go higher up the food chain and now at least the right dept will look into it .

Keep me posted x