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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked them to find their own place to live?

222 replies

diddymu · 01/10/2022 22:19

I've name changed as this could possibly be outing.

DS (20) has been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and half, she's slightly older and has a 5 year old from a previous relationship, they've been living with me for about a year as the child's dad found out where she was living, it's all been fine, they contribute a little financially and they do their fair share of cleaning and cooking. The only issue is holidays as the 5yo is sleeping in what was the spare room/ previously DS1s room and DS1 is at uni but when he comes home from uni, the 5 yo has to sleep in with DS and his mum which isn't ideal but they don't seem to mind.

They recently announced that the girlfriend is pregnant (about 10/11 weeks) which was a bit of a shock but they seem happy with the news, I've told them they have to find their own place to live before the baby arrives and DS has said I'm selfish as it's my grandchild, they won't be able to afford it as he's just started uni, they'll make the lack of space work and has tried blaming DS1 for coming home during holidays as he said if he didn't I wouldn't be asking them to move out.

It's probably my fault as he is my youngest so I probably have made the wrong decision to allow them all to stay etc as I didn't want him to move out yet, so feel free to judge but AIBU?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 01/10/2022 22:23

Maybe spell out their choices aren't your financial responsibility..

RebOrHon · 01/10/2022 22:24

Tell him to apply for uni accommodation, they have designated family accommodation. He’s an adult and they’re both taking the piss. They need to grow up and fend for themselves.

Ragwort · 01/10/2022 22:24

Of course you are not being unreasonable...but in all honesty why did you allow your DS to move his GF and DC into your home in the first place? Your DS and the GF should have thought more carefully before bringing another DC into the mix. How is your DS and the GF proposing to fund the new baby?

You need to be tough ... they will have to find a new home.

Lesighhh · 01/10/2022 22:29

In my culture sons and their wives and their children often live with the sons parents. Having a baby is a very tough time in anyones lives, let alone a 20 year old who is at university. If it's possible to make it work for everyone under one roof somehow, I would really at least try it. Is their room big enough for him, his gf, her son and the baby?

HareThereNightmare · 01/10/2022 22:30

Definitely not being unreasonable. They’ve made the choice to add to their family, and you have every right to not wish to continue to house them. They should be thanking you for the opportunity you gave them already, rather than insulting you because they can’t freeload anymore.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 01/10/2022 22:30

Get them out before baby arrives, or they will never leave!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/10/2022 22:30

They are being unreasonable in assuming they can stay with you.

ShootingForTheMoonLandingOnMyArse · 01/10/2022 22:31

Absolutely NBU. Their choice to have another child while nowhere to live of their own!

Disgustingly selfish to want his brother not to have a home!

The gf moved in on this cushty arrangement very quickly if she moved in with her DC only 6 months after getting with your DS.

Tell them to sling their hook. Can DS afford to go to Uni now he’s got a DC on the way? Surely he needs to get a job and work to provide a home for his own family?

Bananarama21 · 01/10/2022 22:31

I'd be concerned for my ds. Its a lot to take on at a young age 19 with a partner who's 5 years older with a 4 year old at the time. He should have been out enjoying young adulthood. Instead they both his gf and child move in with his mum after a few months and only a year down the line she's pregnant. I think the problem is you enabled this.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/10/2022 22:33

Your poor son, what a shit show. Are you all getting under eachother's feet?

SafeHeaven · 01/10/2022 22:38

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Worthyornot · 01/10/2022 22:41

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This. He made a poor decision in partner. They need to leave or you won't ever get them all out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2022 22:43

You’re not being selfish, he is. What a bloody idiot. How’s he planning to support a family of 4 while he’s not working? Is she?

But it’s his choice, it’s not your responsibility to make his life easier. If he wants to play the big man he can fund the fantasy himself.

How dare he try to dictate how you organise your home and kick out his brother in favour of his gf, her kid and another baby.

And he’s really stupid if he thinks insulting you will make you change your mind. As if you’ll hear his horrible accusations and be threatened into changing your mind.

StClare101 · 01/10/2022 22:48

What a fool your son is. Well he’ll need to defer won’t he so he can provide for your child.

Give them 3 months to leave. If he is rude to you again shorten it by a week each time. And mean it. In all seriousness change the locks if they refuse to go.

ShootingForTheMoonLandingOnMyArse · 01/10/2022 22:48

Just to add, you’ve been a saint to take on the gf and her child in your home for a year.

DS obviously doesn’t gaf about the impact of a baby in the household on you as well. What does his father think? Any other siblings apart from Uni DS? Why should he be pushed out of his home due his younger brother’s poor decisions? He still needs a home for holidays and after Uni. Has he been made to feel guilty that the gfs son had to leave his room when he comes home? You said it was an issue? Bloody cheek!

StClare101 · 01/10/2022 22:48

*his child

AllThatHoopla · 01/10/2022 22:49

You are in no way being selfish. At all. You've been very generous, letting them all live there.

What's he on about 'it's your grandchild'? You already know that!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 01/10/2022 22:50

Uni accommodation for families is his best bet. He sounds very selfish actually.

Pineappleflowers · 01/10/2022 22:52

Has it crossed his mind to perhaps leave uni and get a job so he can support his child?

Startuplife · 01/10/2022 22:53

Wow I can’t believe how entitled they are to expect that they can get pregnant and you’ll support them. If your son is just starting uni, how were they expecting to pay for this baby?!

They sound like they need a big dose of reality.

Original poster
diddymu · 01/10/2022 22:56

I let them move in as his girlfriend didn't feel safe with her ex knowing where she lived and her being alone with her son, and DS said he was going to move in with them but at the time I didn't want him to as he was the only “child” living at home as DD has her own family and DS1 is away at uni most of the time which was stupid I know. His gf works part time, DS doesn't.

His room isn't big enough for them all as currently the child sleeps in their bed with them and they'll obviously need a cot for baby, the reason DS mentioned DS1 living here was because he said if he didn't both children could share the room as he did with DS1 up until DD moved out and it was fine - it certainly wasn't as he would often complain and their age gap is only 10 months so I couldn't imagine what it would've been like with a 5+ year age gap!

OP posts:
FreddyHG · 01/10/2022 22:56

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Quite agree and I include relying on the state to house and feed too. They need personal responsibility and understand there are consequences and practicalities to consider.

Cameleongirl · 01/10/2022 22:56

Wow, talk about entitled! Their decision to have a child isn’t your responsibility and as for criticizing his brother for coming home during uni holidays….It’s your house and you decide who lives/stays there, not them!

I agree with PP’s, family accommodation through his university is the best way forward. The university will probably have a crèche so his gf can continue ( I presume she currently is) to support them. They’re making adult choices to have a family, they need to behave like adults.

peassandcarrots · 01/10/2022 22:58

Lesighhh · 01/10/2022 22:29

In my culture sons and their wives and their children often live with the sons parents. Having a baby is a very tough time in anyones lives, let alone a 20 year old who is at university. If it's possible to make it work for everyone under one roof somehow, I would really at least try it. Is their room big enough for him, his gf, her son and the baby?

This is not the norm for most people.

There really is no need for everyone to cram into one house just because someone has had a baby. They need to learn to care for their own kids without mummy still looking after them.

It's not practical for 4 people to sleep in one bedroom.

DripAdvisor · 01/10/2022 23:00

Blimey, OP. The only unreasonable thing you have done (although with good intentions, in so far as you have kept the girlfriend safe from her ex) is have them and her 5 yo live with you. My DC are similar ages to yours, and there is no way I would have facilitated this relationship. I wouldn't have interfered with it, either - but I absolutely would not have enabled it to the extent that you have. I think it's all very hard on the 5 yr old, too (not your fault or your responsibility, obviously, but still hard on them).