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To have asked them to find their own place to live?

222 replies

diddymu · 01/10/2022 22:19

I've name changed as this could possibly be outing.

DS (20) has been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and half, she's slightly older and has a 5 year old from a previous relationship, they've been living with me for about a year as the child's dad found out where she was living, it's all been fine, they contribute a little financially and they do their fair share of cleaning and cooking. The only issue is holidays as the 5yo is sleeping in what was the spare room/ previously DS1s room and DS1 is at uni but when he comes home from uni, the 5 yo has to sleep in with DS and his mum which isn't ideal but they don't seem to mind.

They recently announced that the girlfriend is pregnant (about 10/11 weeks) which was a bit of a shock but they seem happy with the news, I've told them they have to find their own place to live before the baby arrives and DS has said I'm selfish as it's my grandchild, they won't be able to afford it as he's just started uni, they'll make the lack of space work and has tried blaming DS1 for coming home during holidays as he said if he didn't I wouldn't be asking them to move out.

It's probably my fault as he is my youngest so I probably have made the wrong decision to allow them all to stay etc as I didn't want him to move out yet, so feel free to judge but AIBU?

OP posts:

Zonder · 02/10/2022 06:29

Does the gf understand that they need to move out?


Jjones8 · 02/10/2022 06:36

They are not children. They should have thought about this before getting pregnant.


Lampzade · 02/10/2022 06:56

Your ds’s entitlement is shocking. The truth is Op is that you have spoiled your ds and he thinks that it is your duty to take care of him because you are his ‘mummy’
He has a cushy life and doesn’t want to give it up.The fact that he thinks that is is ok to inconvenience his brother shows that he is a selfish twat.
They have to move out before the baby is born or else you are going to find it very difficult to kick out your son and two children.

This reminds me of a cousin of mine. He was living in rented accommodation with his pregnant girlfriend but was evicted.He moved into his mother’s home for two years in order to give himself enough time to sort himself out.
After two yeast his mother asked them to leave as his partner was pregnant with a second child. My cousin did the same thing your ds did and used the ‘ these are your grandchildren’ line.
His mother eventually caved in . Twelve years later, my cousin is still at his mother’s home with three children.
He has a low paying job and his partner does not work. His mother pays all the bills and the mortgage.
This is your future Op


Lampzade · 02/10/2022 06:57



dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwas · 02/10/2022 06:57

Well they should’ve thought about the fact that they can’t afford it BEFORE he knocked her up. YANBU OP. And FWIW you’re a nicer woman than me because there is no way I’d be letting a woman with a child who wasn’t even my grandchild stay in my home. Your son and his girlfriend need to take responsibility and find their own accommodation. It is a sad situation though and I’m sure it’s not what you wanted / expected for your son.


ImAvingOops · 02/10/2022 07:04

The key thing for me is that he doesn't see his brother as being just as entitled as he is, to your support and to come home. Somewhere along the line he's got the idea that you have a responsibility to house him (and a woman and child who aren't yours), but don't have a responsibility towards his brother.
He sounds very immature.

I have had a sons girlfriend move in with us and although it was the right thing to do for her, it does become difficult when it's for several years and there's not really enough space. I was lucky there were no kids in the mix though.
I told my son I wouldn't charge him for rent or bills but he did have to save half of everything he earned in order to get a deposit for renting a house. They moved out a month ago and it is so nice to have my house back and not have two other people making a mess or being in the kitchen when I want to cook.
It did get a bit fraught towards the end with some puss taking behaviour on their part.

Yours shouldn't have been allowed to sit on his arse all summer and play games. But if you want to salvage the situation a bit you could offer some help towards the bond on a rental home.
But I would have serious words about not making his brother unwelcome and how utterly unacceptable that is - you don't want his brother to end up feeling like he can't come home.
I'd be asking a lot of questions about how they saw the practicalities of a new baby working out in their current situation - really paint them a picture of how hard it's going to be and making it clear that you won't be giving them ds1 room or swapping yours! Once it becomes reality I suspect they'll be very keen to move out.


LIZS · 02/10/2022 07:14

Do either of them work? He could do pt and study. Perhaps his uni course will have to wait or he looks for family accommodation attached to that (ask su for advice). You can offer to give them formal notice to enable them to apply to the council. However stick to your guns before they get over comfortable and take over your home.


Darbs76 · 02/10/2022 07:23

He needs to step up as he’s going to be responsible for a new life. They will get help financially if they privately rent. Get them to look on entitled website to put some figures through. Can they join the council / housing association list? They’d get points for over crowding.

Is he really suggesting you stop your other son coming back to his own childhood bedroom so that he can have his own child and step child in there? Out of order expecting you to do that. He should have thought about what he would do before she got pregnant. I was a young teenage mum but I wasn’t entitled and moved out a year later and have always made it work, without demanding other people put themselves out (he’s 30 next year). He needs a part time job around Uni especially in holidays. He’s taking the P. Put your foot down


focuspocus · 02/10/2022 07:26

It sounds like the gf is actually quite nice and understands that you have been nice and generous but that your DS is quite entitled?

If he doesn't move out I think he could be controlling what you do and how you and other children live in your house for many years to come. I would be clear from the outset what you are willing to do to help them financially or otherwise. Are you able to ask them what their future family plans are, another child or is two enough and they will be taking measures to not have more at least until they are in a different position? Pp's have said he's going to have it tough and need support but that was their decision and they should have been trying to prevent something like this for a few years.

I hate being at my parents house because of a mid thirties sister who pretty much never left. She judges everything my parents do/ buy etc. snapping at them whilst being supported by them. They are declining but can't upset her.


FurAndFeathers · 02/10/2022 07:27

The girlfriend sounds sensible and decent (and some of the pp comments about her being a poor life partner, I assume cos she’s a single mum, are vile)

but your DS sounds immature and entitled.

he is likely scared and lashing out so needs some reassurance and support but also needs to acknowledge that as he’s chosen to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood he needs to step up, and stop sitting back expecting his mum/girlfriend to look after him.

can you encourage him and GF to sit down and develop a budget, apply for uni housing etc Break it down into manageable chunks is so it’s less overwhelming for him.

as he’s been babied his whole life he’s not suddenly going to stand on his own feet but you can definitely support him to do so


Oblomov22 · 02/10/2022 07:35

Your ds sounds so entitled. He might now play the woe-is-me trump card that his mum kicked his pregnant gf out.


Oblomov22 · 02/10/2022 07:38

Op needs to consider how her parenting has contributed to him being so entitled. Why did you let him behave this way? As pp said why did you let him do nothing all summer but play x box?


ChampagneCamping · 02/10/2022 07:39

Your son needs to get a part time job which works around his uni course, then save and apply for family uni accommodation so they can move out Easter time. He can work more hours over the summer holidays.


Devilishpyjamas · 02/10/2022 07:42

To be honest I’m not sure how this will be fixed. Family uni accommodation is rare as hen’s teeth & international students will be prioritised. The rental market at the moment is horrendous - in some parts of the country it is almost impossible to get anything - and these are two people with no funds. It’s all very well people saying he should leave, but depending on where you live that may be pretty much impossible. We have families living in b&b’s for a year in my city & the private rental market is impossible. He’s going to have to get some sort of work whether at uni or not but the chance of renting somewhere for them while at uni is going to be difficult.

i wouldn’t worry about the kids sharing a room yet. When my youngest left our room after the baby bit he went in with my middle one & it worked all through primary.

i’m not sure where that will be though.once your grandchild is here you will find it harder to leave them to sink.

What is the relationship like with his father? Is there the option for him to help out in anyway.


MockneyReject · 02/10/2022 07:43

The LA housing list is unlikely to be an option, at least in the short term.
But there might be a duty to provide 'help and assistance' in the form of a deposit for a private rental.
As advised by a PP, the Entitled to calculator will give an accurate idea of what financial support they could get.
Personally, I would advise deferring Uni and getting a job. Any job. U/C will top up low wages and help with housing costs. It might not be your DS's first choice, but it's reality for many.
Uni will still be there, when his child is a bit older. I went at 30, when my son was 5. The having to wait, the life experience/maturity made me appreciate it all the more. And, honestly, it sounds likely your son will just make excuses for not doing Uni work and end up quitting, anyway, if he goes now.

To have asked them to find their own place to live?

Alleycat1 · 02/10/2022 07:45

Some years ago this happened in a friend's family. Spoilt younger brother moved in with gf and gradually took over the house despite never paying fair share of bills. Friend's mother found herself spending nearly all her time in what had been the small spare 3rd bedroom having been turfed out of her more spacious room when the 2 gc arrived because "it is only fair, mum". Fast forward a few years friend's DM died and friend and older brother disinherited, apart from a few knick-knacks, as spoilt brother and family 'had nowhere to go'. Friend and older brother suspected this ha d been the game plan all along but DM couldn't bring herself to make her gc homeless.
Op, as your extremely entitled and selfish DS Is already trying to oust his older brother you could find yourself going down this route if you do not nip it in the bud now.


icelollycraving · 02/10/2022 07:49

So presumably they don’t contribute financially, meaning you are currently funding two adults and a school kid and soon a baby. Madness.
You’ve raised an entitled boy. I understand you wanting to protect him at 18 but he’s not working, jacked in a job and got his older gf pregnant. He’s just presuming mummy will accept.
His gf now will have two kids to two dads, both who sound useless.
Where is your anger?


mycatisannoying · 02/10/2022 07:50

Sorry OP, but they have been really stupid, careless and selfish to bring a baby into this situation.

And as an aside, can you imagine the uproar on here if the your son were female, and the girlfriend male?!

You have been incredibly kind and accommodating, and are in no way being unreasonable in asking them to leave. I agree with previous posters who have said this must happen before baby is born ... otherwise they will never do it.

Good luck Flowers


Minimalme · 02/10/2022 07:51

We moved into our rental place in the summer.

We have three kids and dh earns a good wage. I am a full time carer for my disabled child and have two other dc so don't work.

Our rent is £1500 per month and we are using equity from the sale of our house (built up over 15 years of homeownership) to supplement our monthly outgoings.

We are really careful with money but 100% couldn't manage without using up savings.

I'm sorry op but your son and his girlfriend are deluded. What the fuck are they thinking conceiving a child when they don't even have a home?

And as for studying for the next three years - he can kiss goodbye to that if he's going to be raising two kids.

He sounds so immature.

You have been great with him. I'm guessing that you will ask them to leave and your useless lump of a son will break up with his girlfriend and move back in.

Honestly, I would be beyond furious with him.


dudsville · 02/10/2022 07:52

Lesighhh · 01/10/2022 22:29

In my culture sons and their wives and their children often live with the sons parents. Having a baby is a very tough time in anyones lives, let alone a 20 year old who is at university. If it's possible to make it work for everyone under one roof somehow, I would really at least try it. Is their room big enough for him, his gf, her son and the baby?

Mine too, but for either sex. I've moved out of this though and love love love the quiet calm independence of the lack of responsibilities, granted i haven't had a family and if i did i would feel a bind. OP, i don't envy you as you try to navigate this.


Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/10/2022 07:53

Give him a deadline to get out by. He should be deferring uni and in all honesty, they shouldn't be having this child. It's not up to you or the state to house or finance them. If they cannot afford to themselves, they should not be having a child. She sounds as irresponsible as him tbh. Getting pregnant a second time and keeping it, when he doesn't work and she's only part time. They both sound lazy and entitled.


ImAvingOops · 02/10/2022 07:54

The other thing you will need to watch out for is being asked to be a guarantor in any new rental they find. I strongly advise you to refuse unless you can easily afford their rent - it exposes you to a lot of financial risk.


Beautiful3 · 02/10/2022 07:59

I'm really sorry but he sounds like an entitled brat. He isn't hard working nor is he looking after his family. He basically brought them home and asked you to take care of them all. Which is wrong. They need to leave and learn to support themselves. Don't start giving them any money, because he'll always expect it. When it stops, he'll get angry.


Endlesssummer2022 · 02/10/2022 07:59

This is wrong on multiple levels.

  1. The GF should not be allowing your son to share a bed with her son. I’m not saying your son is in anyway dodgy but it’s completely inappropriate and the fact she hasn’t already made plans to find a new place due to this shows her poor judgement.
  2. You shouldn’t have allowed them to turn your home in to their family home. Too late to change the past but get it stopped now before you get cuckoo’d.
  3. If you allow the family of 4 to stay, trust me this latest baby will not be the last- they are young and clearly irresponsible.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 02/10/2022 07:59

Your DS is taking the piss.
Stick to your guns and tell him it’s his problem, he’s having a baby and he needs to provide for it.

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