To have asked them to find their own place to live?

[diddymu]

I've name changed as this could possibly be outing.

DS (20) has been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and half, she's slightly older and has a 5 year old from a previous relationship, they've been living with me for about a year as the child's dad found out where she was living, it's all been fine, they contribute a little financially and they do their fair share of cleaning and cooking. The only issue is holidays as the 5yo is sleeping in what was the spare room/ previously DS1s room and DS1 is at uni but when he comes home from uni, the 5 yo has to sleep in with DS and his mum which isn't ideal but they don't seem to mind.

They recently announced that the girlfriend is pregnant (about 10/11 weeks) which was a bit of a shock but they seem happy with the news, I've told them they have to find their own place to live before the baby arrives and DS has said I'm selfish as it's my grandchild, they won't be able to afford it as he's just started uni, they'll make the lack of space work and has tried blaming DS1 for coming home during holidays as he said if he didn't I wouldn't be asking them to move out.

It's probably my fault as he is my youngest so I probably have made the wrong decision to allow them all to stay etc as I didn't want him to move out yet, so feel free to judge but AIBU?

[MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds]

But in the scenario your DS is describing...you were the parents and they were the children - the brothers sharing a room I mean.
To replicate that he and his girlfriend need to have their own house with a room in it the DC can share - like you did.
He's saying it was fine when he was a child but - these DC aren't yours!!! If he wants the setup he grew up in he has to go and create that with his GF for her/their DC.

[ALittleBitofVitriol]

Do they currently pay rent or contribute to bills, do they do a fair share of housework? Are you working full-time supporting all of them?

I'd be furious and seriously tempted to just kick them out.

How I'd ideally handle it, would be to sit down with ds & gf for a household meeting. Use cost of living & new baby as a catalyst for discussing the realities of running a household and what their plans are for the future. Let them talk, ask how they picture the future. I'd have a pre drawn up financial statement showing how much it costs to run the house, as well as housework tasks, and ask them both what a fair contribution from 4 people (2 adults & 2 kids) vs 1 person is. I would expect them to cover at least 2/3 of the rent & bills & housework. If they balk at that, say that they are welcome to find themselves a better deal elsewhere, maybe have options ready to show them (like the uni accommodation mentioned). I'd try very hard to be calm, kind, helpful, but reiterate that this is grown up life. You're thrilled that they're wanting to live their adult lives and this is how you can best help them - because grown adults don't take advantage of their own mothers, what kind of message would your ds be teaching his own children if he did that?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

If he starts with the "You should house us as its your grandchild" you should come back with "No. I housed you as you were my child. Now you are an adult and about to become a parent so YOU should house YOUR child. You will notice that you didnt grow up with us all living at Granny and Grandpa's house"

[NotaCoolMum]

@Bananarama21

I'd be concerned for my ds. Its a lot to take on at a young age 19 with a partner who's 5 years older with a 4 year old at the time. He should have been out enjoying young adulthood. Instead they both his gf and child move in with his mum after a few months and only a year down the line she's pregnant. I think the problem is you enabled this.

Yes absolutely this. You’ve enabled this. He’s too young for this amount of baggage.

[Babyroobs]

They are taking the piss. Why on earth would they bring another child into this situation with no home of their own ? They sound selfish and irresponsible. Tell them to find their own place asap.

[NaturalBae]

GF also needs to stop burying her head in the sand and look into possibly moving back to her current property (if she still has it?). She’ll need to get an injunction/non-molestation order against her ex partner if need be. If she is a social housing tenant, she should get help from the Council/Housing Association to move to another safe property/temporary accommodation.

[Cameleongirl]

@NaturalBae i know I shouldn’t say this, because it takes two to make a baby, but I’m surprised the GF wasn’t more careful given that she has a child and knows the realities and expenses of parenting.

It’s as if they’ve both ( the DS and the GF) have reverted to being children looked after by the OP. But it’s not her job to fix their adult problems.

[NaturalBae]

@Cameleongirl

@NaturalBae i know I shouldn’t say this, because it takes two to make a baby, but I’m surprised the GF wasn’t more careful given that she has a child and knows the realities and expenses of parenting.

It’s as if they’ve both ( the DS and the GF) have reverted to being children looked after by the OP. But it’s not her job to fix their adult problems.

I totally agree. I wouldn’t be surprised if it the GF ‘allowed’ herself to get pregnant. Her situation before getting pregnant again should have been contraception enough to get her life back on track before bringing more children into the mix.

I blame both DS and GF for their situation, but the GF is 5 years older than DS and has been there before (pregnant).

It is definitely not the OP’s job to fix their adult choices, but the OP gave them the green light when she agreed to GF moving in with her 4/5yr old DC.

I wonder what the situation is with the GF’s property and also where are her family in all this?

[NannyOggsWhiskyStash]

@Lesighhh

In my culture sons and their wives and their children often live with the sons parents. Having a baby is a very tough time in anyones lives, let alone a 20 year old who is at university. If it's possible to make it work for everyone under one roof somehow, I would really at least try it. Is their room big enough for him, his gf, her son and the baby?

I rather agree with this. Yes he is young to be a father, but my parents had me when Dad was at Medical School and they are still together and blissfully happy. Are his girlfriends family helping out?

[CJsGoldfish]

What an idiot he is.
If he's stupid enough to decide to have a baby at this stage of his life, you're probably not going to get him out of your house OP. 🤷‍♀️

[Imogensmumma]

No being unreasonable… Tell your DS welcome to adulthood , he is a parent now so needs to step up

Don’t let him bully you or you will end up feeling like a visitor in your own home.

You have been more than generous

[Checkmateready]

I can’t believe your son has the nerve to call you selfish after letting his girlfriend and her son move in. If he wants to take on the responsibility of becoming a parent then he needs to act like one and provide for his own family rather than inconvenient you.

[Karamna]

YANBU. He's an adult man with his own family now and he needs to start taking responsibility for looking after it and solving his own problems. I would keep repeating that there isn't space for a baby in your house. It's not your problem to solve. Solving it himself will help him turn into a more confident, capable and independent adult and father.

[HoppingPavlova]

No way in hell would I enable this. I’d give them a deadline of 3 months to be out and if he goes on about selfishness I’d have a good laugh, kick him up the backside and tell him a few home truths as they are the selfish ones.

[funzeny]

You shouldn't have to kick him out . He's an adult who should step up for his family. Partner and kids. Surely he should realise that his family wants their own house/space . That's the priority. Not being a baby whining to his mum to look after him now 😐

[Ponderingwindow]

Letting her stay for a week or two while she sorted a safe place to stay would have been fine. Letting her move in told your son that you were ok with him jumping forward to parenthood when he hadn’t even figured out how to support himself yet. the mistake was made. Now you can only hope that he grows up fast.

that means finding their own home immediately. If he wants to be a father he needs to start acting like one. You won’t be doing your son or grandchild any favors by coddling him.

[Ylvamoon]

Your DS has some serious growing up to do!
At the moment he's living like a child with all the adult perks in your home.

It's time for him to move out and take on the responsibility for his actions.
Just be there for him when it all breaks down, as I'm sure it will turn into a mess once the reality of having a young family hits your DS. Unless of course he raises to the challenge.

For me, the breaking point would have been when he complained about his brother coming home from uni. It's a lump it or leave situation, and he obviously doesn't want to lump it!
Give him 3 months deadline to move his family out of your home.
And tell him you are looking forward to visit the 5yo & baby and do a bit of babysitting here and there!

[ebri91]

Is the girlfriend quite happy to live with you when they have a newborn and a 5 year old? She sounds quite practical (well more so than your son) so surely she can see the problem even if your DS can't.

[StClare101]

@PyongyangKipperbang

If he starts with the "You should house us as its your grandchild" you should come back with "No. I housed you as you were my child. Now you are an adult and about to become a parent so YOU should house YOUR child. You will notice that you didnt grow up with us all living at Granny and Grandpa's house"

This. And add, so go out and get a job like the rest of us did.

[BobbysGirly]

YANBU

If your DS and his partner are adult enough to bring another life into this world they are adult enough to provide a home for themselves and their children. Tell them to move out and fend for themselves. Cheeky bas* ards!!

[kateandme]

Your not ur but yiu did ask him to stay because you disnt want him to move out and have no kids at home so im a bit on his side there.i can imagine you made it pretty sweet to make your baby stay with you.
But I'm also finding it hard to say your being reasonable because just how fucking shitty cost of living is right now.hes slab bamf in the middle of this with uni and a new child plus a new home I actually see that as impossible.
And for those saying get on housing....haha your clearly aren't especially right now aqauted with these services .fuck me.

[Mummybear888]

Wow, he is being way manipulative!

His family ate not your responsibility. You have been very generous already letting them stay so long. Don't let him guilt trip you. Good luck :)! X

[Pumpkintopf]

Your son sounds like he needs to grow up. He didn't consult you when he decided to have a baby, so you're under no obligation to bail them out. Sounds like he needs to forget uni and find a job.

[FishFingerSandwiches4Tea]

I agree with the 3 month deadline. What were the expectations on living arrangements before the pregnancy? Had you said/implied that they could all live with you for the next 3 years until he'd finished university? Your youngest has a lot of growing up to do. Even if he (naively) assumed having another baby wouldn't change things, surely his girlfriend would see that it does? I can't really imagine being in her situation, but im certain that if I was, once I found out about the pregnancy and made the decision to continue with it I'd be saying to your ds that we needed to move out! Unfortunately I agree with pp that they've had it so cushty living with you that ds is going to be resentful about giving that up and about how much more difficult his life will become aa an independent adult supporting a family. Other than allowing them to continue living with you (which I definitely don't think you should) there is no way out of this without a fall out. But that is on your son, not you.

[Eviebeans]

OP do you currently have one of the bigger bedrooms in the house? I’m just wondering how long it will be before your son starts to think they need more space and should have the biggest bedrooms - oh and their own lounge space in the evening and …