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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
Name1232 · 29/09/2022 14:32

Let him know when it is, it may help him come round to the idea of it being more like a proper baby by this stage.

SparrowsNest · 29/09/2022 14:33

Unless him being there would be of benefit to you, then I would just go without him and feel no guilt!

PuttingDownRoots · 29/09/2022 14:34

Is this the 20 week anomaly scan or something Private?

Anomaly scan... its your medical appointment, its up to you who attends. Send an update on babys health afterwards.

Private... its none of his business.

gamerchick · 29/09/2022 14:36

You've booked private? You don't have to invite anyone to shit if you don't want. Especially private paid for stuff

TwoWeeksislong · 29/09/2022 14:38

If you don’t want him there, don’t invite him.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:39

Yes it's a private one.

I know I'm not obliged to have him at any medical appointments whether routine or private, I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it?

It makes no difference to me whether he is there on not tbh.

OP posts:
PicaK · 29/09/2022 14:51

It's a lovely moment for you.
I wouldn't spoil it.
He's not there for you right now as emotional support. Which means he's not there for the baby either.
Enjoy this one.
I would invite him to anomoly (sp?) scan but not this one.

lunar1 · 29/09/2022 14:55

You don't need a man trying to pressure you into an abortion involved in any part of your pregnancy. The CMS will let him know after your baby arrives when you claim your child's maintenance.

iloveorange · 29/09/2022 14:57

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:39

Yes it's a private one.

I know I'm not obliged to have him at any medical appointments whether routine or private, I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it?

It makes no difference to me whether he is there on not tbh.

He asked you to terminate a pregnancy he was previously seemingly ok with, and when you refused to he essentially dumped you and hasn't asked you how you're doing ever since.

I don't see how he could ever (openly) resent you, and I also don't think you should care even if he does.

Take someone who loves you to that appointment. If he decides he wants to get involved after all, he should be the one to get in touch. And make ammendmends towards you.

FarmerRefuted · 29/09/2022 14:58

He knows you're pregnant, he was there at your 12wk scan so if he can count he knows how far along you are, its up to him to check in with you about scans and progress and he hasn't. I'd leave him to his own devices and focus on yourself and the pregnancy, do you even want him there if he's likely to start putting stress on you again? If he complains afterwards that he missed the opportunity, that's his own fault not yours.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/09/2022 14:59

If it doesnt bother you him being there then you can tell him the details imo

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 15:01

Don't bother telling him. He gave you bad news after the first scan. God knows what he'll come up with after this scan. He'll put a dampener on it for sure. So just go enjoy

LoveBugBride · 29/09/2022 15:01

I wouldn't bother. He hasn't made any contact or enquired after the baby so he can't be that bothered about finding out the gender.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/09/2022 15:02

He tried to pressure you into having an abortion at your last scan, why on Earth would you bring him to this one? You owe that man nothing

RandomMusings7 · 29/09/2022 15:04

Why would he come to YOUR private medical procedure? He has zero rights over the baby until the moment it is born. None of the pregnancy related choices and procedures are any of his business. Especially for a baby he wanted dead. He can fuck right off with any entitlement he might later pull over this.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 15:06

@iloveorange you've summed it up well.

I'm not sure why I'm worried about his feelings when he has shown no consideration for mine.

He knows I've been very ill as well and have been in and out of hospital with HG. I've been signed off work for the past 3 months.

He's a professional man in his mid 30s, with a nice family etc. we were together for almost 2 years. This is someone who I thought cared about me and the way he behaved after the 12 week scan shocked me.

I'm just so worried about getting it wrong for my child.

OP posts:
skgnome · 29/09/2022 15:09

He knows you’re pregnant, he knows he will have a kid
a private scan, you’re paying out of your own money, because you want to, why have someone there that is not going to be happy and make the occasion sour?
bring your mom, sister, best friend, or just go along and enjoy seeing your baby

Ponderingwindow · 29/09/2022 15:10

Unless he contacts you, just let him know that his child has been born and that you are ready to discuss a reasonable visitation schedule. Inviting him to your appointment will just invite stress.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:41

Thanks everyone.

I'm not even sure if to send him a message or email and let him know the sex when I find out?

We have a few mutual associates and I'm worried I will look bad if he hears from someone else?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2022 16:44

No, don’t tell him!

Are you hoping if you update him he’ll become more interested? I doubt it will.

He’s shown you what he thinks about the whole thing, have nothing to do with him.

I’d pretend he doesn’t exist till the baby is here and you apply for child maintenance through the CMS.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/09/2022 16:45

I personally wouldn’t contact him to tell him, however I would tel him of the scan if he asked for an update on the pregnancy.

he knows your pregnant and, assuming he has at least a basic level of intelligence, knows that pregnancy involves scans/tests/appointments/risks. If he wanted an update he would ask. He should ask and be proactive. I’m not sure I’d want to start a pattern on facilitating his involvement when he’s showing no interest or being proactive himself.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 29/09/2022 16:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2022 16:44

No, don’t tell him!

Are you hoping if you update him he’ll become more interested? I doubt it will.

He’s shown you what he thinks about the whole thing, have nothing to do with him.

I’d pretend he doesn’t exist till the baby is here and you apply for child maintenance through the CMS.

Everything Anna said. You don't need the additional stress of his man child tantrum right now.

properdoughnut · 29/09/2022 16:47

No its a medical test showing your body. You are perfectly entitled to say no. You are not just a carrier for the baby.

Maray1967 · 29/09/2022 16:48

Agreed - he deserves no consideration from you at all. I would say and do nothing until baby is born and then claim child support.

Kittykat9070 · 29/09/2022 16:49

Keep doing what you’re doing. Let him come to you.
myself and my daughters dad broke up when I was 20 weeks pregnant. He freaked out about the baby.

I told him some things but nothing unless he asked.

Fast forward 4 years, we’re still not together but he is a fantastic dad. Some men can’t get their head round being a dad until they physically see them.
good luck