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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:49

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not hoping he becomes more interested, I suppose as I said I'm just worried about looking like the "bad" one.

I get mixed advice from real life friends and family- some say to notify him and give him the opportunity to be at appointments so he can never say I deprived him...

Others say sod him and that I've already given him a chance (which I guess I have!)

I know the process of going to CMS once baby is born etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:53

For context I'm wondering if the reason I'm feeling bad about this is because the last conversation we had (after the 12 week scan), where he asked me to have an abortion and said it was all a mistake...

After listening to him say this over and over and that he wasn't sure about being involved- in anger I told him I would be glad if he wasn't involved and he would do me and the baby a favour.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 29/09/2022 16:55

Actually I wouldn't. He didn't want the baby at 12 weeks so if you went ahead with what he wanted you wouldn't be finding out the sex would you. He's made his bed he can lay in it.

Lavendersparkles22 · 29/09/2022 17:12

I did have my ex at a scan and he completely tainted the whole experience. I felt similar to you regarding his right to be involved etc but it was honestly awful. I wouldn't have him there.

SpinningFloppa · 29/09/2022 17:14

Why is this even a question, I was alone when pregnant, my ex ended it and didn’t want to know, no I wouldn’t have and didn’t invite him to scams, why would you he said he doesn’t want to be involved and you’ve not heard from him so??

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 17:19

@Lavendersparkles22 thank you, it's good to hear it from someone who's been in a similar situation. I do feel like he ruined the 12 week scan.

@SpinningFloppa I'm sorry that you think my question is silly. I've never been in this situation before. He said he "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be involved and I haven't heard from him.

Because of this I didn't know whether it would be unreasonable of me to not offer him another opportunity.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 29/09/2022 17:23

You can’t make him step up or be involved, I know it’s early days for you but you will soon learn that you can’t force someone to be a parent and sounds like he has made his feelings clear better that than in and out letting your child down by constantly picking them up and dropping them.

Pigsears · 29/09/2022 17:26

It's an anomaly scan.

Take someone along that can support you as well as share in the joy of the moment.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 17:32

@Pigsears this is a private scan which I've booked.

@SpinningFloppa I know I can't make him step up or be a parent. Maybe another reason I'm confused it's because he's done a switch from being so supportive and being excited to be a Dad, talking of names etc to asking me to have an abortion.

I just didn't want to be unreasonable and be painted in a bad light down the line for not asking him.

OP posts:
Honeylover333 · 29/09/2022 17:36

I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it

You owe nothing to this worthless man. He has been nothing but hostile.

As for he "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be involved -- he already is involved, as he made you pregnant. So he has to take that responsibility. Not through dropping in and out of DC's life, but through supporting him/her as the law requires. Just notify CMS and make sure he pays the child support your baby is entitled to.

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2022 17:38

I would not contact him. He left. He knows how to contact you and where you are.

CantGetDecentNickname · 29/09/2022 17:46

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:49

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not hoping he becomes more interested, I suppose as I said I'm just worried about looking like the "bad" one.

I get mixed advice from real life friends and family- some say to notify him and give him the opportunity to be at appointments so he can never say I deprived him...

Others say sod him and that I've already given him a chance (which I guess I have!)

I know the process of going to CMS once baby is born etc.

This post along with your comment "I know I'm not obliged to have him at any medical appointments whether routine or private, I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it?"

Please ask yourself that given the way he's happily played his part in getting you pregnant and then demanded you have an abortion and walked out, why you care about whether he is "deprived" or not, or might resent you? Why on earth do you care about his feelings given how he has treated you?

I wouldn't bother with him at all. I would assume that I would from now on be a single parent and start making decisions accordingly. Questions to ask include - do I really want this? Where do I want to live to have good support networks (you can move easily before the baby comes and not so easily afterwards if he does later on decide to want contact)? How am I going to manage financially? Lastly, consider how you will approach things if he later on does decide to contact you.

To be honest, I would be nasty back (childish I know) and if he got in contact later, I'd probably tell him that I'd aborted as per his request and that the new guy in my life wants him to get lost permanently (whether true or not.)

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/09/2022 17:49

He could potentially ruin the day for you if he did come op
He's a brown ass man not a teenager
It's not on you to feel guilty for anything to do with him, he's an adult
You crack on, and other peoples thoughts don't merit a moments thought
Worrying about looking bad for not telling him, imagine how he looks to others
For requesting a termination and fucking off?

You give that bump a stroke and tell that baby you've got this 😉💐

Darbs76 · 29/09/2022 17:52

Invite him, and let him know the sex if he doesn’t come. Just purely so he can’t try and blame you for anything. But I’d be in 2 minds about having him there, potentially ruining it. Maybe invite him to the NHS 20wk scan, and don’t tell him about gender scan. Least then you can take your mum or a friend, someone who is actually excited to know the gender

TulipsTwoLips · 29/09/2022 17:53

I understand your wish to be the one 'doing the right thing', but I thinking you're thinking too much about this to be honest.

It's what happens with the baby when it's born that's more important, not who was at what scan. If he says he doesn't want anything to do with the child as you didn't invite him to a private scan he is clearly just looking for more excuses.

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/09/2022 17:55

Grown ass not brown Grin

MarigoldMoonStone · 29/09/2022 17:57

No chance would I invite him and I wouldn’t even give him an update after unless he contacts you first.

ChubbyMorticia · 29/09/2022 18:00

He knows you're pregnant. He can reach out to you if he's the slightest bit interested or concerned. It's not your responsibility to manage his emotions or expectations.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 18:01

@Guiltypleasures001 I prefer the brown arse 😂

OP posts:
Chilesstanton · 29/09/2022 18:03

Nobody could look worse than him in this scenario OP. At best, you’re overthinking this and at worst you’re hoping he will change his mind and become dad of the year, which is okay but it’s on him, not you.

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 18:04

Thanks everyone and I understand what you're all saying.

I am definitely wanting to be seen to be doing the "right" thing and I am worried about having anything thrown back in my face at a later date.

Also the ambiguity of him saying he wasn't sure has maybe left me feeling like it's a bit open and he may still want to be updated...

But as you've all said he's shown by his actions that he isn't bothered about me or baby.

OP posts:
Dumbledormer · 29/09/2022 18:04

No way would I invite him to the scan. Enjoy it yourself (it is quite special) and if you are feeling generous you could text him afterwards with a basic update “just FYI had scan today and baby is doing well, no issues. Let me know if you’d like picture and to know the sex” but I mean that’s being super kind. He sounds like a knob so I’d personally just assume I was a single parent going forward, give the baby my last name at birth and put in a claim for CMS.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 29/09/2022 18:06

Sure yeah invite him and let him keep ruining every memory of your pregnancy stages!

You don’t need his shit!!

RedHelenB · 29/09/2022 18:13

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:39

Yes it's a private one.

I know I'm not obliged to have him at any medical appointments whether routine or private, I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it?

It makes no difference to me whether he is there on not tbh.

So let him know the date and say you don't mind if he comes in not bur the opportunity is there if he wants to.And leave ut at that, no need for any drama.

caringcarer · 29/09/2022 18:29

How would you feel if you saw your baby on scan and he spoilt magical moment by saying you should get an abortion. You can never get that moment back if he spoils it for you. Personally I would not even tell him the gender as he has shown no interest.

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