To not invite my ex to scan...?

[tess3023]

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

Exactly this. He won’t be fighting you for 50/50 that’s such a pointless thing to worry about, it ain’t gonna happen, how many men actually fight for 50/50 custody for a child that don’t even want? Don’t let MN fool you into thinking this happens often as it doesn’t, now compare that to how many absent dead beat dads there are? Thousands.
He isn’t on the bc unless you decided to add him (which will be foolish as he would use it to further control you) so has no rights you could move far away and not he traced by him and disappear then how would he be able to fight for 50/50 which he won’t anyway as he doesn’t want the baby he’s just messing with you, you might think I’m being harsh but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and I do think part of you is enjoying the attention from him, any attention as you see it as he is interested when really it’s just to mess with you.

I like the attention do I?

Thanks for that.

It's curious that you've picked this to respond to, but none of the constructive, helpful, supportive comments you've had.

PP aren't unreasonable to suspect that you won't finish with him once & for all, then block him, because you are still hankering for him.

All your recent updates have been more concerned about what he will think of you than what's good for you & the baby. It's time to stop paying his thought processes any attention at all - he is the man who wanted you to abort, & the only interest he has in your baby is as a pawn to keep you beholden to him.

@KettrickenSmiled because over the time I've had this thread I have responded to the majority of the really helpful stuff I've had.

But I'm clearly very depressed and these kind of comments I just find to be like kicking me when I'm down? Same as I'm "hankering after him"... I'm not "hankering" after anyone. Yes my dreams of a happy family are crushed. The person I thought I knew, wasn't that person at all.

To be very very clear, I have NEVER taken him back nor do I want a relationship with him.

I was originally asking here what the right thing to do was as I didn't know... funnily enough the not inviting him to the scan is one of the many things he's thrown back in my face where I've apparently pushed him out.

I'm a human being and yes I have clearly given him a couple too many chances to be involved in the pregnancy. I have quite literally had my rug pulled from underneath me during all this. Everything I thought is gone.

Maybe I haven't got my act together well enough? I actually think I was mega strong and I had absolutely no contact with him for weeks and weeks. It was him that kept trying to contact me then turned up at my door begging for a second chance with baby.

I should have shut the door in his face. Yes.

Maybe I haven't got my act together well enough? I actually think I was mega strong and I had absolutely no contact with him for weeks and weeks. It was him that kept trying to contact me then turned up at my door begging for a second chance with baby.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/
Ignore the label of narcissism, as it's not relevant WHY he behaves as he does - but until you cut contact with him, he is going to keep hoovering you back.
I think you should block him on everything except one email account.
Only check that account once a week, & when you do - remember that you don't HAVE to respond.
If he wants to be in his child's life - the child he urged you to abort - he needs to step up & demonstrate that. Starting with maintenance payments. You'll probably find that will cool his jets.

I should have shut the door in his face. Yes.
Hindsight is 20/20!
The thing is - you've learned now. So next time he turns up - do just this.

What @lunar1 said

@tess3023 you seriously have to pretend this waste of space doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t even check the email once a week. Once a month at most. Don’t tell him when the baby has arrived. Don’t add him to the birth certificate. Just wipe him from your brain. I know it’s hard because you were once in love but it is not “the right thing” to keep him dipping in and out of you and your child’s lives. It’s actually very unhealthy. Block all of his family members everywhere too. Excise his presence from your life entirely with the exception of child maintenance.

Focus on building a safe community for both of you amongst your (trustworthy!) friends and family.

@tess3023 i agree with @JingsMahBucket

You've given him chances and he's demonstrated he's just a headfuck right now. You don't need that behaviour right now, it's not good for you or the baby.

You don't need to rush to update him when the baby is born either. He's not going to be of any help and if he does, at some point, demonstrate he's reliable enough to build a relationship with the child there will be plenty of time for that.

@JingsMahBucket thank you for your advice.

I really wish I could be strong enough to pretend he doesn't exist. I honestly just cry sometimes as I feel so badly that I have failed baby already.

I know I'm going to fail baby even more to allow a sh*t Father to keep coming in and out of his life.

To the people saying someone like this wouldn't go for 50/50, my ex and his family are very very wealthy and this is just something I could see them doing purely out of spite in years to come, just as some sort of weird punishment for me keeping the baby against exes wishes.

I keep thinking I should go back to my home country and keep baby away from him as he's so toxic but I just don't know know if it's something I can do.

If you want to go back to your home country you need to do it before the baby is born - once the baby comes you will need his permission to take the baby out of the country.

Do his parents definitely know about the baby? Some of your pps make me wonder as he got so agitated about you having any contact. I wonder if they know or if he told them you had a miscarriage when he was pressuring you to abort?

I keep thinking I should go back to my home country and keep baby away from him as he's so toxic but I just don't know know if it's something I can do.

That's interesting OP.
When you say "not something I can do" - what do you mean - that there are barriers to you doing so, or that you feel that you somehow 'shouldn't'?

If you reframe the idea away from any notion of 'ought' or 'ought not', what does the ides FEEL like to you? Is it something you would like, would it make your life easier or harder, would it mean more home-grown support for you & your baby?

Because I cannot urge you strongly enough to make a stand on self-determination. It's really sad that he urged you to abort, doesn't want the baby, but you feel he & his fuckwit family are capable of using the baby as a pawn to control you with for decades.
Why would you risk that?

A man who told you to get rid of your baby has NO moral rights over that baby.
He is disastrous for your mental health, & frankly - if you could stay NC until your child is born, registered, & old enough to travel to your home country with you, that could be an ideal solution for you.
You could even go before the birth. If you wanted to.

He could only stop her if he is named on the BC

The thought of moving countries is overwhelming, I've lived here in the UK 10 years.

I'd have to sell my house, and sort so many things out in order to do so, financially and physically. As silly as it sounds I actually like living here too, love my friends, job etc.

But it's not impossible.

His parents also definitely know about the baby- they knew early on. We were together when we had a scan at 6 weeks and he asked me to message them scan picture... they 100% know.

And there is absolutely no way I will be putting him on the birth certificate, I've known I wouldn't do this since he did what he did at 12 weeks.

Hi op hope you're well. Just thought I'd share my experience.

My ex was awful and I tried so hard to get him to be a dad. I was also concerned with looking like the bad one etc.
The turning point for me was when he didn't turn up and DD was waiting at the window age 2.

Anyway i gave up putting the effort in and arranged for DD to see her grandma once a fortnight and told him to see her there.

Fast forward 12 years, I am happily married with another child and DD sees her dad and extended family once a fortnight.

Sorry to waffle on but honestly just concentrate on you, tell him the sex if you like and notify him of the birth.

Don't stress yourself,enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

Just updating as I go along again as I like reading it back.

A few days before christmas I got another barrage of sh*t from ex...

Apparently he has attempted to end his life over this situation. Now I don't want make light of that if it's true but but my gut feeling is that it's some kind of way to manipulate me or make me feel bad.

He said that I am a failure and am giving baby a broken home and it's "not fair" on him.

That I "should have listened" to him "weeks" ago when he told me to get an abortion and that this "wasn't a good idea". I'm clearly way beyond the point of abortion so unsure what he hopes to gain from still banging on about it.

He also called me toxic and self-righteous for keeping the baby when he didn't want it 🤔

Thank you again for all your advice and personal stories on this thread I do find it really helpful ❤️

Why are you still allowing contact.

I would block.. chsnge my phone number if necessary.

This is not good for you or the baby.

Barrage of texts are harrasment so should be reported to the police.. they will then advise you to block / change number

I don't have a good reason as to why I haven't blocked him. Other than when I blocked him in the past he turned up at my house unannounced (police aware).

Being honest with myself probably that tiny tiny hope that he will change, even though I know he won't.

It's still all about him, isn't it? He is wronged and you are the bad person causing all this trouble for him.

I would not block his messages as I think they are good reminders of what a c* he is. Honestly, the only thing you have done wrong is to have believed he was a decent person.

Was all this in writing? Text? Email? If so, keep it all. If not, stop speaking to him.

Imo tell him you had an abortion.. Move back home. Block and delete every message...

@ProbablyNotMad that's exactly how it is. All about him.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant so telling him I've had an abortion/lost the baby isn't an option. Plus I imagine even if I'd done that earlier on he wouldn't have believed me and would have turned up at my house at various points. We also have some friends in common etc so would never have worked.

I've also thought a lot about moving home or moving several hours away but for various reasons I can't go into here it just isn't realistic at all (I wish it was).

On a positive, where he lives now is over an hour away so it isn't like I'd be bumping into him all the time.

He came to your 12-week scan to ask you to get an abortion?

Why would you want this anywhere near you or your baby?

if he did want to be involved he would contact me

He hasn't though, has he? He doesn't want to be a Dad and it sounds like you're better off without him!