To not invite my ex to scan...?

[tess3023]

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

What would his ‘legal route’ even be? He cannot legally force you to have an abortion. What does he want to do legally or otherwise?

Yeah he expected you to be on tenterhooks waiting for him to decide to be involved and as you're not doing that he's making weird vague legal threats. Just ignore him but don't delete any messages as it's proof of what a know he's been if you ever need it for whatever reason.

The "legal" thing is all empty threats I know my rights during the pregnancy and after baby is born so he can threaten all he wants.

In another development a mutual "acquaintance" (which I will also now have to block) has sent me a message today saying that ex is trying to get in contact with me.

Have checked my blocked voicemails and lo and behold a big 3 minute long voicemail has been left where he says sorry for blocking me and that he did it "on advice" and could I please unblock him as he wants to talk and work things out... d*ckhead.

Still didn't ask about baby either.

I won't be unblocking him that's for sure.

I'd send the acquaintance a list of his behaviour and ask them if they'd want to talk to him. He's probably sent them a sob story of how awful you are keeping the baby from him and not hearing him out without mentioning stuff like pressuring you to abort, disappearing, that he hasn't asked once about the baby etc.

Keep the voicemail in case you need it for evidence later. And keep him blocked. You don't need him stressing you out!

Maybe forward the voicemail to the 'friend' with a message saying you've got enough going on to deal with his behaviour.

Ignore him. You and your baby are the important things to focus on, not this idiot trying to play games. You owe him nothing.

Perhaps respond to mutual acquaintance to say that Ex has blocked you on social media/phone and you would appreciate acquaintance not being a middle man for Ex and to keep out of it.

Personally I probably would send a brief email to him setting out that you have accepted his choice to not be involved in the pregnancy and his decision to block you on social media and phone. You will notify him when the baby is born by this email address unless he gives you another. I would not enter into any other discussion with him until the baby is here. His feelings and wants are not your concern.

I will admit it's hard, in ways I hate him, and in ways he's the person I want to speak to most in the world.

But I have to accept he's not the person that I knew at all. I can't trust him and I need to protect my baby.

Thank you all for the support this thread has really helped me feel stronger x

You are allowed to still love him but you are right, how could you ever trust him again? Not only has he let you and your baby down but he is continuing to be selfish and only think of himself. You have made the right decision.

I am sorry that this has happened when you should have been celebrating your pregnancy but at least he has shown what a weak and selfish person he is now so you can make your plans without him.

Good luck.

Late update as I'm very upset.

Today ex turned up at the door with flowers, sobbing, apparently full of regret- you get the idea.

I should have turned him away but I spoke to him.

He admitted to going on a dating app "shortly" after the 12 week scan incident, meeting another woman- going on multiple dates, sleeping with her (unprotected!!!), and her "stopping" at his house for 2 weeks (which we used to share up until a short time ago).

Tried to tell me he actually didn't like her much at all, she was too intense and wanted a relationship, didn't want her staying at the house but was too polite to tell her to leave, and was trying to distract himself from me, couldn't stop thinking about me and is now back to make amends and wanted to be "honest".

She knew about the baby as was apparently all fine with it but used to pester him about whether or not he was going to be involved/see baby. I guess now I know why he blocked me!

I know we weren't together but.... honestly disgusted for some reason.

As if he thinks he can come crawling back. Any support appreciated as although I know he's a kn*b this situation hurts.

He is disgusting. He has told you that as soon as he left you he was using some poor woman that he didn't like for unprotected sex. He has badmouthed her to you and I would put a lot of money on him having said the exact same things to her about you.

He is showing you who he is. He is selfish and uncaring and insensitive and actually quite stupid and weak. He is still not caring about your feelings and it is all about him. Telling you all those things about this other woman, was that to make you feel better? No. It is so he can unburden himself and try to get back the nice easy life he had. If you dont take him back he will frame you the bad guy for now rejecting him when he has 'shared his feelings' and been 'honest'.

You know that you are way better off without him. Stay strong. You can and will do better.

He's been having unprotected sex with someone he says doesn't like

He's blocked you on all social media, phones etc

Told you not to contact his parents but told you his Mum is ill with worry over the situation

Has never asked how you or baby are

What a fine example of a mature adult male. Way too much drama. Way too much emotional manipulation. Way too little interest in your health and that of your planned child.

The only legal thing you need to worry about is putting in the CM claim when your baby boy is born.

Your baby needs reliable parents; the only think he can be relied upon is to think of himself 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

Well exactly- I wonder what lovely awful things he's been saying about me to her??

I haven't been able to sleep, I feel dreadful.

I just wonder what I've done wrong in this life to deserve this. And my poor baby, I'm embarrassed for him.

Ex kept saying over and over that I had no right to be angry or upset as we weren't together and that he was only telling me to be "honest".

I can't even.

I've caught him out in a lie too.
I asked him when he started speaking to her again (as he told me after 12 week scan).

But then he mentioned it was when he was away in x place with work (I think he's forgotten his timings etc!)... but I remember he was away in the particular place for a few days the week before the 12 week...

I've been such a mug. I genuinely didn't believe it was because of someone else this whole time.

So I am 100% going to need an STI test now as I was still sleeping with him at that point, while they were "speaking"... but god knows what the actual truth is and whether he has slept with her or not yet.

I'm honestly so embarrassed I want to cry.

I am a bit scared of him. On reflection of the relationship I do think he has a tendency to blame things that go wrong in his life on me. And other people. Nothing is ever his fault.

Ex kept saying over and over that I had no right to be angry or upset as we weren't together and he was only telling me to be honest.

He tells you he was being honest when actually yo know he is lying and was cheating on you at the 12 week scan. He continues to believe he is without fault. He is a deeply unpleasant man.

@JulesCobb yes he's clearly been lying and cheating.
It's so sad. I just don't know what me and baby have done to deserve this.
I know it's not my fault but I feel ashamed and embarrassed x

You do not deserve this. There is nothing that you could do that would justify the way he has ,and still is, treating you. And certainly the baby has not done anything to make his behaviour okay. This is all him.

I do want to reiterate that his failings as a partner/father/mature adult/decent person is not your fault. Please do not blame yourself for this situation. You need to stay strong and concentrate on you and your baby. You do not need this waster in your life messing with your head so cut him out and keep any interactions you must have very factual and strictly about the baby.

My opinion is it's the usual cliche. You finally got pregnant, became unwell. He's suddenly not got sex on tap and isn't center of all your attention so he cheats.

See baby at scan and all becomes real. The responsibility, the commitment. Fun is well and truly gone with you but he is having fun with side piece. Pressures you to abort, leaves, thinks you'll do what he wants and shacks up with side piece.

Side piece isn't what he imagined. Jealous, destructive - they got together when he was cheating on you and you're having a baby together. Grass isn't greener. Family, mutual friends, coworkers are all asking how baby and you are but he doesn't know because he's a wanker. Things between him and side piece implode, she threatens to reveal all to you. He knows you're going to tell friends and family what he did. He knows how mad they're going to be. He's alone, no one to have sex with. Everyone is asking about you and baby. No one to play house at home and he's lonely.

Feels forced into coming over and whining about how hard all this has been for him and how he wants you back (likely not asking about baby yet again as he's a selfish arse and its all about him). His lack of involvement all her fault. Affair wasn't affair because 'you were on a break' (you know like ross and rachel 🙄). Nothing is his fault. No blame on him. All everyone else. Don't you see how hard all this must be for his poor soul. Now its up to you to fix it all and make it better, you can't be angry.

He's a twat. Keep him blocked. He won't change. He's not worth your tears. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

So sorry you have been let down OP. Congratulations on your baby ANYWAY. The both of you will do just fine without him.

Why does 'part of you' feel any guilt whatsoever?
He's an adult.
He chose to dob out.
It's not your job to chase him, persuade him, or provide him with opportunities.
In fact it's better for you if you do not. You don't need him messing with your head or making it all about him.

I just wondered if it would be wrong of me not to give him the chance to come as he might resent me for it?

Ah come on OP!
HE TRIED TO PRESSURE YOU INTO AN ABORTION.
You owe him no chances, & his feelings are not your problem.

In all honesty, hearing this news has just broken my heart all over again.

I’m really feeling for you, I hope you’re doing okay x

So sorry @tess3023 hope you and baby are ok x

Thanks for checking in. I'm doing okay as can be. Being honest with myself still very upset, hurt and angry.

I went to the sexual health clinic on Monday and I've had a text today with the all clear, although they told me to do a follow up in 4-6 weeks.

Ex has emailed me again basically saying that he's told his family he wants to fix things with me and baby, but that they have told him if he has anything to do with us they will "disown" him. It's all very strange.

The other woman is about 7 years younger than me too :(

but that they have told him if he has anything to do with us they will "disown" him.
I'd take that statement with more than a grain of salt!

He's presenting himself as the Hero of the piece, going against his disapproving family who are so incensed they will actually make the over top move to "Disown" him if he has anything to do with you. He really wants his "efforts" to be applauded, doesn't he. Oh the struggles he has to go through, just to be in communication with you. "Please feel sorry for me, sob". Its much more likely that its the other way around, that his family don't approve of his actions. But he doesn't want you to know that or have communication with them as that would expose his behaviour too much.

Sounds like an utter lie and also an attempt to set up excuses for himself in the future. "Can't possibly do a, b or c, my family won't allow it".

What shitty mind games to be playing, putting a pregnant woman under the stress of thinking that his whole family dislikes you.

If it is true then who cares what his family thinks and also not really an incentive for YOU to have anything to do with Them either.
He's the pits.