To not invite my ex to scan...?

[tess3023]

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I'm 27 weeks now, started this thread a long time ago. And he's contacted me many many times since then, with reactions varying between wanting to be involved/begging to be a family to asking me again to have an abortion 🤦‍♀️

it isnt surprising. He is using different tactics to stop this child from existing. He has been aggressive and he has bren nicey-nice. He still wants the same thing. He sounds dangerous.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn funny you say that as thinking about it he went back to being horrible from civil shortly after 24 weeks which is the "official" abortion cut off isn't it?

Also- not sure if anyone will find this funny but...

Before he had his little tantrum a couple of weeks ago, I had asked him if he planned on buying anything for baby or contributing towards anything given he had come back begging to be supportive and be involved and whatnot I thought it was a reasonable question... he was very negative about this question and made out like I was money grabbing...

He's since then sent me a sleepsuit in the post 🤦‍♀️

You respond so passively to this man.

Can you not just make up your mind that you don't want him, or his nutcase family, in your life, & stick to it?

So what if he turns up at your house?
You don't need to keep giving him attention just because he demands it.
It's your house, not his, he doesn't get to rock up & demand access.
You don't even need to answer the door to him. Or the phone. Or respond to any messages.

Have you even blocked him everywhere yet?

Well you clearly find it funny.

I don't, because you are dragging out the process of keeping this man around, instead of making up your mind what YOU want (which I thought was to have his toxic influence cut out of your life).

But instead, here you are playing games, inviting him into the baby's life. The man who you have said scares you, that you don't want in your life, who urged you to abort, who is a wanker with a personality transplant, who has told you that his family hates you, who blocked you on social media but now seems to have unblocked ...

So FFS stop communicating with him if that's still how you feel.
You know you don't need his permission to do that, right?
And that you will survive without his meagre attention, & don't NEED to communicate with him about his financial contribution - the CMS will do that for you.

You're victimising yourself at this point by allowing him contact. You don't have to play this game, it's in your power to step out. Yet you won't. Why is that?

Woman up and realise you have choices and also accountability.

I'm not "victimising" myself.

I'd given him the slight benefit of the doubt in that he came back saying he was in shock, sorry for what he said and wanted to be supportive and in babies life. Didn't really accept this, but yes I gave him that to opportunity to try and be civil and be involved with the pregnancy. This had NOTHING to do with being with him.

As I've said before, rightly or wrongly I've been in a relationship with this man up until I was 12 weeks pregnant and we planned the baby, it might seem simple on paper but a lot of emotions are involved and just cutting someone off like that is actually really difficult when you until a short time ago loved and cared about them, as well as carrying their child.

After being reasonably okay for about 6 weeks, coming to scans etc (I'm high risk so have been having a lot) and being half normal, he's then flipped out again. As I've said further up my thread, I think this is to do with the fact I won't rekindle the relationship.

That's his chances done now.

Everyone saying block him and get him out of babies life etc etc... I'm completely aware of the process, and there actually isn't a way for me to "block" him out of babies life permanently. I can delay it by not putting him on the birth certificate, but he can take me to court for parental responsibility. Those who say he won't given he wanted me to abort- I guarantee you he will. I can't go into details as to why as it's too outing for both of us.

I'm just trying to not make things "blow up" even more right now or turn them even more hostile. I'm not responding to his messages and have them archived. Just sharing them on here as a safe space to vent. I'm now using this as a place to get it all out.

And I'm fully aware of CMS, and that they will take care of the financial side... I asked him as he'd been spouting off about how supportive he's being with the pregnancy, excited for baby etc and I just made a point of saying well you haven't bought anything to get ready for baby and I'm doing all that. I found the posted sleep suit funny as it is so ridiculous and petty.

First time seeing your posts. And just want to check that you have support around you.

Are you safe? I wouldn't put it past this idiot to try something to scare you.

You are better off without him in your and your sons life.

I would get an injunction of some sort to stop him contacting you and start making plans to move address where he can't find you.

I can't believe that his parents support this behaviour of their son.

@Michellebops thank you. I don't have my family but I have really good friends, supportive workplace etc. I'm under perinatal mental health as I made my midwife aware I was struggling due to the situation.

I've reported past incidents to police (the being abusive after 12 week scan and the turning up at my house) and they were really good, and put in a referral to NCDV for me. I just didn't feel like a non-molestation order is something I could handle pursuing right now.

@tess3023 I'm sorry he's still being a dickhead. It's yet more of the same, wanting you back while not wanting baby. How you should have got the abortion (while still with him), you are giving the baby a broken home (because you won't take him back), showing no interest in baby at all, never asking how they are.

He's trying to manipulate you and I'm afraid he will do so as long as you have contact with him.