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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 29/09/2022 18:36

Why on earth would you want him there ? He has walked away from you and this baby.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/09/2022 18:41

OP may I say very gently that you are very vulnerable at the moment having been ill and upset during pregnancy.

The last thing I would do under these circumstances is invite someone who you have no idea of how they will behave. As pp have said invite people who love and support you.

You say you don't want it
"thrown back in my face"
you don't want him to "resent" you for not telling him.
You want to be "seen to do the right thing."

This is your expectation of him, having known him for two years and it actually sounds like you are a bit scared of him, scared of him being angry with you and everyone condemning you because you haven't done "the right thing" towards him, the man who said he wanted a child and then tried his best to pressurise you into having an abortion and then dumped you and then said he wasn't sure he wanted any involvement with the baby. Why would you want someone you are scared of at the scan, just to stop them "resenting" you, He walked away, what he says or thinks is not important. I think you need to talk to someone in RL about this who can help you with assertion and building your self esteem. You need to prepare to be your baby's champion and that means standing up for yourself too.

The main outcomes from inviting him to the scan:

  1. He ignores your invitation or doesn't turn up
  2. He turns up, says cheers thanks for that and exits again
  3. He starts pressurising you again in one way or another, or complaining about the fact that you went ahead when he wasn't happy about it, either way his presence or behaviour could make you feel a lot worse, Now that he has this concession, he starts making demands about being at the birth etc.
  4. He comes to the scan - is overwhelmed by baby love and is nice to you and wants to be a partner/parent with you. - you feel supported and relieved.

I suspect you are hoping for 4, but based on his past behaviour and the fact that he has made absolutely no effort to contact you, is that realistic? When you are feeling vulnerable do you really need to generate an extra hurt or upset at a stage when you really don't need to? Lots of people wait until their baby is born before telling people the gender.

The only people you have to do the right thing for are yourself and your baby. There are plenty more appointments or chances for him to meet the baby in the future- why not just go to the scan with a friend or relative and enjoy your pregnancy instead of stressing yourself out about this resentful man. Best of luck.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 29/09/2022 18:42

If he 'wasn't sure' but had been keeping in touch, I'd say ask him along but since he's been no contact, I wouldn't invite him.
Congrats on the baby

CharIotte · 29/09/2022 18:44

Nah, fuck him

And congratulations mummy

Original poster
tess3023 · 29/09/2022 18:58

Thank you so much everyone, it's good to have some outside perspective as I agree I am over thinking it/in my own head about it. I also agree that I am vulnerable right now.

I am a bit scared of him. On reflection of the relationship I do think he has a tendency to blame things that go wrong in his life on me. And other people. Nothing is ever his fault.

That's why I'm not bothered about the relationship as such but I was hopeful he would want to see his child.

I think the lack of contact from him might be to try and get me to break/have an abortion as he's abandoned me... well it's not going to happen.

OP posts:
emeraldcity2000 · 29/09/2022 20:25

Honestly, if he tries to paint you as the bad one for not involving him just tell whoever he is manipulating that he tried to pressure you into an abortion and then made no effort to support you when you were very unwell.
Nothing about this makes you the bad one.
Good luck and congratulations- enjoy your baby xxxx

ALLIE369 · 29/09/2022 20:26

This reply has been deleted

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youagainomg · 29/09/2022 20:28

Definitely do not invite him or even reach out to him.

girlfriend44 · 29/09/2022 20:49

I would invite him. I would want him involved.

Too be honest it's hard bringing kids up on your own. I'd be a bit scared to do it all alone.

paintitallover · 29/09/2022 22:13

I wouldn't.

35965a · 29/09/2022 22:16

I would not be inviting him to anything - scans are medical appointments for you, why would you want someone like that near you? I also wouldn’t have him there for the birth either, again it’s a medical process for you. I would cut contact and just let him know when baby is here.

Original poster
tess3023 · 30/09/2022 07:53

I don't particularly want someone like that near me, no... and I know scans are medical appointments...

I think I see finding out the gender as a special moment in the pregnancy and it's something we had spoken about together.

I didn't want to seem petty by not letting him know or giving him the chance to come.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 30/09/2022 08:09

He has the chance to come if he was behaving decently and in contact. It's not your responsibility to repeatedly go chasing after him.

All you're doing here is continuing to blame yourself for his behaviour. Like he used to do.

Stop positioning yourself as responsible for his actions.

Original poster
tess3023 · 07/10/2022 18:27

Update- not sure if anyone will be interested...

Went to scan on my own with my best friend, I chose not to tell ex as per advice here.

Funnily enough, on the day of the scan I received a very, very long email from ex. Stating how sorry he was for previous events and saying he thinks about me and baby every day. He asked for a reply to let him know we are okay.

Took the opportunity to reply and simply let him know that baby is a boy.

He replied "congratulations" 🤨

Not sure I believe his apology tbh and still not very clear if he wants any involvement. I'm going to stick to my guns and remember how he's treated me. I suppose if he asks nicely for updates and isn't abusive I can let him know how the pregnancy is coming along?

OP posts:
Cw112 · 07/10/2022 18:37

I don't think you need to do anything as it's a medical appointment and you're perfectly within your rights to go ahead without notifying him I don't think that makes you look bad especially after how he acted at the last one. What I would say is it sounds like he has freaked out (isn't it amazing how only men get the luxury of doing so) and if it were me I probably would contact him say that you have a scan due (wouldn't tell him when or where initially) and ask if he wants to be there but you need to agree on some boundaries if he is going to attend eg he needs to be supportive and no more mention of termination as you feel that going ahead with the pregnancy is what's right for you. I'd also make it clear he's under no obligation but that it is a chance for him to begin to get to know and bond with the child he is going to have. Then leave it to him and you've done more than anyone could expect you to. Ultimately its on him if he wants to be involved.

jewishmum · 07/10/2022 18:39

Goodness me no you don't need him there or owe him it.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/10/2022 18:41

He's a grown man and perfectly capable of contacting you if he is in any way interested. He told you at 12 weeks he wasn't interested so take him at his word until he tells you otherwise. It's not up to you to keep offering in case he's changed his mind.

tickticksnooze · 07/10/2022 18:51

"Congratulations"?! Yeh, I wouldn't be hurrying to furnish him with updates - just let him know once baby has been born and make a CMS claim.

SpinningFloppa · 07/10/2022 18:53

His response says it all, he sees the baby as yours and nothing to do with him, “congratulations” ? Hmm...

tickticksnooze · 07/10/2022 18:53

He asked for a reply to let him know we are okay.

He sounds like a controlling little toad.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/10/2022 18:57

Congratulations on your son OP. I think you did the right thing not inviting him.

As for the email ... he's not putting his actions where his mouth is. He's not asking to see scan photos or asking if you need any help or contributions to what needs to be bought for babies arrival or even to meet and talk about what's going to happen when baby arrives.

He's doing bare minimum to asuage his guilt on being a deadbeat. My guess is people ask how you and baby are and he's starting to get embarrassed that he doesn't know or people in common know more than him. It's his fault entirely but isn't accepting that.

Cakecakecheese · 07/10/2022 19:01

Would a friend be ok to act as a go between? 'For my own wellbeing from now on if you would like any updates regarding your son please contact Sandra who will let you know the latest'.

Cakecakecheese · 07/10/2022 19:01

And then block him.

Original poster
tess3023 · 07/10/2022 19:03

Have to say I found the email saying he thinks of me and baby and how we are every day as bizarre given he was shouting at me to have an abortion after the 12 week scan...

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 07/10/2022 19:05

@HowcanIhelp123 I agree it's likely a guilt alleviation exercise...

OP posts:
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