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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 17/11/2022 19:29

You’re not obliged to take him to your medical appointments. Take someone who you feel would be able to support you in the way you’d need if the news were not good. Or just to take actual joy in the (likely) good news.

TimeSlipMushroom · 17/11/2022 19:45

Why should you even care what his family do or don't think about you!? That's up to them. Don't let him try and use anything like this against you.

ExH used to do this to me during the divorce and was totally disarmed when I told him I couldn't care less what his parents thought and it was irrelevant to my life.

Just concentrate on what is right for you and your baby. Don't allow him and his family politics to take up head space.

Original poster
tess3023 · 17/11/2022 19:57

I don't care what his family thinks of me, feels hurtful that they would say they don't want him to have anything to do with the baby though?

As pp who knows even if this is true?

I'm not sure what baby and I have done Hmm

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 17/11/2022 20:03

I don’t believe a word of what he says about his family. I’d actually send his mum a nice scan pic saying I know x doesn’t want to know anything at all about baby but I thought you might like to see a picture from the latest scan, alls going well :). I hope you and John are in good health. Regards, op.

I bet he will go apeshit as it shows up his lies.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/11/2022 20:21

tess3023 · 17/11/2022 19:57

I don't care what his family thinks of me, feels hurtful that they would say they don't want him to have anything to do with the baby though?

As pp who knows even if this is true?

I'm not sure what baby and I have done Hmm

Even if they did, all it would prove is that the apple didn’t fall far from that tree.

He’s a shit. You and your baby deserve far better.

Surround yourself with people who support you and enhance your life.

Original poster
tess3023 · 17/11/2022 20:36

I might just be overthinking this as my head is now completely f*cked after this whole past few months but...

What if his family really doesn't approve of me and are something to do with the erratic behaviour?

They are very traditional and "old money"... they are very, very wealthy.

I'm a professional and decently well off in my own right through working hard etc and can support myself but so, so far from that kind of background...

Before me l, ex (he'd been single years) was with someone from a similar background to him.

I've found out who the OW is (he told me her name tbf) and she's ALSO from old money and similar background to him...

I mean, we lived together and were together for sometime and planned this baby. His parents were always nice to me but him saying this has made me thinking maybe they really are unhappy about him having a baby with someone like me? Maybe they thought it wasn't serious and would fizzle?

Even if they had been negative it would never excuse his actions.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 17/11/2022 20:59

His family wouldn't have made him shag another woman would they?

I get it, you want answers for his behaviour, but really it doesn't matter why he's been so awful, he's a grown man and should have been able to act like one.

Original poster
tess3023 · 17/11/2022 21:03

They definitely wouldn't have made him shag another girl, wasn't excusing that at all.

Given they haven't actually tried to reach out to me at all either, I just wonder if maybe they haven't approved all along.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 17/11/2022 21:03

Sorry, why would you feel guilt and consider inviting a man to this scan when he has seriously let you down already?
Are you are still hoping he may change his mind and be involved, I think he has already shown you who he is.
Look after yourself and good luck with your baby.

Laneyy · 17/11/2022 21:09

Don't let him spoil a lovely moment. Don't invite him.

Cakecakecheese · 17/11/2022 21:14

tess3023 · 17/11/2022 21:03

They definitely wouldn't have made him shag another girl, wasn't excusing that at all.

Given they haven't actually tried to reach out to me at all either, I just wonder if maybe they haven't approved all along.

You don't know what he's told them though. He could have fed them all sorts of nonsense.

Original poster
tess3023 · 15/12/2022 18:31

So after about 6 weeks of trying to be "amiable" with him (I know you all told me not to) and letting him come to a couple of scans (I have a lot due to being big risk)...

He's said to me a couple of days ago that he doesn't know if "it", as in baby, is making him happy and he "shouldn't have to live his life unhappy", "why should he".

And has essentially f*cked off again.

I can't get thoughts out of me head that he's already gone back to the other woman and told her he's made a mistake etc.

I know it's my own fault.

OP posts:
Name99 · 15/12/2022 18:36

Well you tried, you tried giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He has shown you who he is now
I'd leave his name off the birth certificate he has to be present of you're not married anyway and he will probably mess you about with it
Get a claim in for CMS as soon as baby is born
Good luck OP hold your head high you're a better person than him

ProbablyNotMad · 15/12/2022 18:41

It is not your fault. He is a waster and this is down to him.

You have donebnothing wrong. You will raise your child knowing that you did all you could to involve their father and it was his choice to disengage and not be there.

jewishmum · 15/12/2022 18:55

Let him get on with it. Go no contact. Stop feeling sorry. Does this moron work? Get the waster for child support and enjoy your beautiful life with your children.

SpinningFloppa · 15/12/2022 20:17

Well you know he isn’t interested so I’m not sure what you expected, just don’t let him do this when the child is born as it is very damaging but I suspect you will 😞

Original poster
tess3023 · 15/12/2022 20:36

He does work. He has a very, very well paid job. But I know I can support baby on my own too.

When he "came back" most recently he made it clear he wanted the relationship back and to fix things but I have put my foot down about that and given him chances regarding baby only.

@SpinningFloppa I don't know if you're actually trying to help or if it just comes across wrong all the time? But it's only natural to try and do the "right" thing for my child and give him and chance to be involved?

If he's fully "not interested", I have no idea what all this back and forth is about with him.

And I'm terrified of what will happen when baby is born, if he'll go for custody etc. it breaks my heart to think I've been through all this on my own and he may end up with her 50% of the time if he decides to.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 15/12/2022 20:50

He’s not going to fight you for 50/50 I can guarantee that

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/12/2022 21:51

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. Please block him now until after the baby is born and don't let him back in.

You see how much his behaviour is hurting you coming back and disappearing? How do you think it would make your innocent little baby feel? Can you imagine your own dad ever saying or thinking that he wasn't sure if you made him happy?

I know you think you're doing what's best for the baby by letting him be involved, but a baby will be far better with one happy parent than a parent who appears and disappears while the other is upset over it.

How many chances have you given him now? How many U-turns has he made? You can't rely on him or trust him.

Think about what he did? He wanted you to get an abortion. He didn't want the baby. When he came back what he wanted was you to get back in a relationship with him. He was after you because he realised things weren't greener. He disappears again saying baby doesn't make him happy when you turned him down. He still does not want this baby, he never will. He was after you again and thought he'd have to put up with babies existence. Even if you got back with him he would not want your precious baby. He doesn't want to parent, certainly not alone. If he took you to court I bet he'd tell you how it would all go away if you got together. He wouldn't follow through with actually parenting. He will drop off as per. If you got back with him, your baby would be living with a parent that didn't want it, and the baby would know it.

Please find your strength and anger and protect that little life inside of you even though it hurts ❤.

CloudyYellow · 15/12/2022 22:56

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:41

Thanks everyone.

I'm not even sure if to send him a message or email and let him know the sex when I find out?

We have a few mutual associates and I'm worried I will look bad if he hears from someone else?

You sound like you are looking for an excuse to contact him.

Original poster
tess3023 · 16/12/2022 06:44

@HowcanIhelp123 thank you for your kind words.

I blocked him before due to his behaviour and he somehow manages to turn it around on me and say it's my fault he can't be part of babies life as I'm blocking him out.

I really feel like I can't win.

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 16/12/2022 06:50

@CloudyYellow the thread has really moved on... I actually NEVER contacted him about the scan.

Its him that keeps getting in contact!

Why do so many people lack empathy? With the whole "you're just trying to make him interested", "looking for excuses to contact him" stuff...? Women trying to make other women feel pathetic when I'm already in a sh*t situation?

This is someone I was in a relationship with and had a life with, that I spoke to every day- that fucked off suddenly on a planned baby?

I only started this thread as I had NO idea what the right thing to do in the situation was. And it's been nice to be able to update as things move along, and read back responses to remind me.

Thanks for everyone who has been helpful as always.

OP posts:
Bobbins36 · 16/12/2022 06:53

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:41

Thanks everyone.

I'm not even sure if to send him a message or email and let him know the sex when I find out?

We have a few mutual associates and I'm worried I will look bad if he hears from someone else?

If he hears it from someone else then that’s because the shitehawk has left you, pregnant and ceased contact. Why you would even consider this is beyond me.

HowcanIhelp123 · 16/12/2022 08:49

tess3023 · 16/12/2022 06:44

@HowcanIhelp123 thank you for your kind words.

I blocked him before due to his behaviour and he somehow manages to turn it around on me and say it's my fault he can't be part of babies life as I'm blocking him out.

I really feel like I can't win.

Of course he does, he's gaslighting you. You admit yourself when you are in contact he doesn't ask about baby. Because he does not care about baby. He never has, and this isn't a quick freak out 'what am i doing' early on. This is sustained.

He's using the baby to get to you because thats what he's got, it's his best mechanism to make you feel guilty and do what he wants. What he wants is you with no baby. Think through every conversation, every argument, why you broke up. How he lost interest when it became clear you were only letting him be there for baby not as your partner. It's all about baby. He sees the baby as the problem.

You can't win, because unless you let him in and baby disappears, he won't be happy. I'm so sorry you're in this situation but please stay strong and consider getting some help to help you understand what he's doing and the best way of dealing with him.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 10:24

tess3023 · 16/12/2022 06:44

@HowcanIhelp123 thank you for your kind words.

I blocked him before due to his behaviour and he somehow manages to turn it around on me and say it's my fault he can't be part of babies life as I'm blocking him out.

I really feel like I can't win.

For crying out loud Tess - when are you going to stop giving a shit about what he says or thinks?

You are about to become a mother.
Your number one role as a mother is to advocate for your child.
That means not allowing her to get fucked over emotionally by a sperm donor who blows hot & cold.

And I'm terrified of what will happen when baby is born, if he'll go for custody etc. it breaks my heart to think I've been through all this on my own and he may end up with her 50% of the time if he decides to.
If I were terrified that a man was going to end up with my baby half the time, despite not really being interested, I'd know that he was playing me. Using the baby to keep me in line. Threatening to use contact as a way to control & deprive me.

I wouldn't then be beating my breast & agonising over when to tell that man what sex the baby is. I would be getting the fuck away from that man, before he could blow hot & cold on my child like he has on me. If it took moving 500 miles away, that's what I'd do.

Why are you still pandering to this game-player?