Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 07/10/2022 19:09

tess3023 · 07/10/2022 18:27

Update- not sure if anyone will be interested...

Went to scan on my own with my best friend, I chose not to tell ex as per advice here.

Funnily enough, on the day of the scan I received a very, very long email from ex. Stating how sorry he was for previous events and saying he thinks about me and baby every day. He asked for a reply to let him know we are okay.

Took the opportunity to reply and simply let him know that baby is a boy.

He replied "congratulations" 🤨

Not sure I believe his apology tbh and still not very clear if he wants any involvement. I'm going to stick to my guns and remember how he's treated me. I suppose if he asks nicely for updates and isn't abusive I can let him know how the pregnancy is coming along?

I wouldnt. Just wait for him to ask.

but he certainly wouldnt be going in the birth certificate through my hand. And he would have absolutely no say in names. You see it on here so often. Jackass ex makes a show of being sorry near to the birth. Gets baby to have his surname. Gets on bc. Fucks off again and makes life as difficult as possible.

if people are talking about you behind your back, thats nothing to do with you. And how would you know.

if people say to your face that they think you are Unreasonable not to include him in medical appointments, you just calmly reply that at the 12 week scan he pressured you to have an abortion, so you and your MW made the sensible decision to leave medical appointments just to you, mw and dr. Nobody can possibly think he is the reasonable one then.

georgarina · 07/10/2022 19:16

This was v similar to my situation when pregnant with DS.

As hard as it is, include other people in this happy moment, not the guy who will fuck with your head, leave you stressed and upset, and ruin it for you.

I wish I could have taken this advice myself but it took years before I was able to!!

The more you give or reach out for him to be involved, the more unpleasant he will be, the more disappointed you will get, and the more he will pull away (in my experience). It becomes you wanting him, rather than him wanting access.

I hope the scan was lovely. There are some really nice single parent baby albums if you want to start one and put the scan pictures in. Good luck x

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/10/2022 17:56

tess3023 · 07/10/2022 19:03

Have to say I found the email saying he thinks of me and baby and how we are every day as bizarre given he was shouting at me to have an abortion after the 12 week scan...

Hold on to this memory and don't contact him. His "sorry" email is likely to be just guilt. It sounds bizarre to you as you saw the real him and know it doesn't ring true. You don't owe him any updates beyond a CMS claim. I'd be blocking him for now as he could well just end up giving you stress. Also, I'd tell anyone who asks exactly what happened and why you are now doing this on your own.

LuckyStone · 11/10/2022 18:38

WTF!? WHY would you want that wanker there!? Its NOT his place! He lost that by trying to talk you into aborting! And also by leaving a pregnant woman!
If it were me I would NEVER contact that bastard again and NOT put him on the birth certificate either!
Why would you give yourself the headache of having to co parent with this piece of shit!?

Original poster
tess3023 · 11/10/2022 18:53

I understand what you are all saying, he is a wanker I totally agree. It's like he's had a personality transplant.

I keep trying to think back to my 12 week scan and how the day went and how I felt. I didn't deserve that nor did my baby.

But the whole situation makes me really sad. Just really, really sad for my unborn child.

I am definitely not chasing him, and I haven't heard from him since the email and my short response letting him know the gender...

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 11/10/2022 18:54

And I 100% will not be putting him on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
Smallfry79 · 11/10/2022 19:13

I don't think you should get back with him.
But if he does want to be a part of your child's life you owe ut to your child to facilitate that. The better you can get on and the more you can see things from his perspective the better. I have children with two different exes. Both relationships have turned out differently but I know for a fact that I did my best to put my children first.

I never let my hurt or bitterness get in the way. I have bit my tongue and often made what was the best decision for my children and been the bigger person, taken the high road when i really didnt want to. God it can be hard and for me doesnt come naturally to be the bigger person!
If you do end up co parenting it is a long and sometimes difficult road. You need to be the strong and fair one. And that needs to start asap. It doesn't mean always giving in or losing yourself but it does mean making decisions for the good of your child in the long run rather than based on what you want right now.

Original poster
tess3023 · 11/10/2022 19:39

@Smallfry79 the whole point of this thread is that I was trying to be the bigger person and asking if I should give him the opportunity to be at the scan...?

I haven't been bitter or nasty towards him in any way. Even when he was telling me to have an abortion for the baby which we planned together and tried for for 5 months. For the record- I did not pressure him to have a baby or force him to ejaculate in me for 5 months for anyone that is going to say that I must have pressured him into it. He was getting upset at one point as he thought we would fall pregnant straight away and thought it would happen quicker!

He then told me at the 12 week scan that it was a mistake he wasn't sure if he wanted any involvement so it clearly left me in a VERY awkward position as to whether to reach out or not and let him know I was having another scan...

I took the very good advice on here not to invite him given his behaviour, and I enjoyed my scan and my special moment with my baby.

He has since reached out, and I have been polite back. I don't think I owe him much more than that? I'm definitely not getting "nasty" towards him. But I also need to put my needs and my babies needs first and frankly I don't need to give him any more opportunity to be horrible or abusive towards me during a vulnerable time.

I'm grateful for all the good advice I've had on here as it's made me feel much stronger!

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 11/10/2022 21:29

@Smallfry79 Did you even read the thread before you charged in?

georgarina · 12/10/2022 09:58

Don't listen to smallfry...being the bigger person does not mean sacrificing your wellbeing and allowing yourself to be abused/disrespected. That's not best for you or your child.

Original poster
tess3023 · 12/10/2022 22:03

Random update- I'm finding it cathartic to get it out...

I've found today that he has blocked me, everywhere!

I know I've been told down the thread to block him, but I hadn't, just archived him- I've had no desire to try and contact him.

Went into my archive today to check another message and see that his WhatsApp photo has disappeared... classic sign of being blocked.

Checked my social media which I don't really use and see that I've been blocked on there too.

I thought at that moment hey-ho I bet he's blocked my number too so I tried to call and yep- blocked!

The only reason it's annoyed me is due to how empty it makes his apology email seem from last week now- I haven't contacted him, spoke to him or anyone else about him, said anything on social media etc to prompt this soooo...

Just confirms again what a loser he is... I absolutely MUST not believe any more apology emails even in the slightest.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 12/10/2022 22:22

I would never contact him again and pray he left me alone.
His loss for his horrible behaviour x

SpinningFloppa · 12/10/2022 22:32

You tried to call him after he blocked you?

Original poster
tess3023 · 12/10/2022 22:56

@SpinningFloppa I know you're quite tough love and I actually do appreciate it.

I've never called him once or tried to make contact with him since he fucked off... when I clocked that I'd been blocked today yes I did try and call his number after I'd seen I'd been blocked, simply to confirm to myself that it was for real and he'd blocked me everywhere... silly as that sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 12/10/2022 22:57

I am only human.

OP posts:
georgarina · 13/10/2022 03:30

What a total dick.

Now you can pick a name for your baby and look forward to him being here.

I remember coming home from hospital with DD and going for a walk with her just because I could.

The freedom of being just you and a baby can be scary, but it can also be amazing. And you're not alone, there are a lot of others in similar situations.

Good luck x

dreamadreamy · 13/10/2022 04:17

The last time you spoke he asked you to have an abortion and has contacted you since to apologise or to check you/ baby we're ok so I would definitely say bell is in his court if he wants to be involved etc. I wouldn't invite him and just enjoy!

dreamadreamy · 13/10/2022 04:22

Sorry I didn't get all the way through the thread and now read your updates. Glad you went with a friend and congratulations on finding out you are having a boy. It was weird of him to say congratulations (suggests he was already detaching himself) when it is his baby and given he has now blocked you I would make no attempt to update or contact him. If he messes you around he will do the same to his son

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2022 04:56

It sounds as if the email was an ‘in’ to see if you’d done his bidding and aborted the baby or had a miscarriage. He sounds quite controlling and narcissistic and I expect he will have tried to win you back had you no longer been pregnant. However, you did not obey him and so he has discarded you.

The congratulations message is odd. But he has probably decided that you are a lost cause. Unfortunately, these men can come back into your life when the child is born and make your life hell or to try to win you back, often because they don’t want to look bad to the outside world.

Do be very careful of contact if he does as there have been threads over the years of men bullying for 50/50 from day one - solely to avoid maintenance or to bully the ex further when they have no interest in the child. No court would allow 50/50 of a tiny baby and breastfeeding definitely helps to reduce the amount of time your baby can be parted from you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/10/2022 04:56

Well in his own way he has done you a favour.. you can't contact him so all you need to do is contact cms when naby is born.

He is the type to pop up when baby is born demand his surname etc.

Focus on your plans to raise your ds yourself. You will be fine without him

Harrystylestutu · 13/10/2022 05:12

What a knobhead op, he should be ashamed and embarrassed.

you sound like you're thriving without him, keep going!

is there any way you can delete his number after he's blocked you? You already know he's a dick, but if he wants to find you both I'm sure he could and will.

who the Fuck says congratulations when you find out your own babies sex?

does he have anymore children?

Aprilx · 13/10/2022 05:29

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 16:41

Thanks everyone.

I'm not even sure if to send him a message or email and let him know the sex when I find out?

We have a few mutual associates and I'm worried I will look bad if he hears from someone else?

Are you actually trying to provoke his interest? I can understand you wondering whether contacting him will do that in that case (although I think you should work hard to resist).

But if you are genuinely not trying to do that and are only wondering if you have a duty to inform him, then no absolutely not.

Aprilx · 13/10/2022 05:31

Sorry ignore me, I had only read the first page or so. I see things have moved on.

Hubs456 · 13/10/2022 05:35

I’d tell him about the sca and let him make his own mind up. It’s his baby too. If you both don’t see a future for your relationship, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good dad and involved in the kid. I guess finding out about the sex and any other medical abnormalities is part of that. It’s his kid too after all.

Original poster
tess3023 · 13/10/2022 06:19

@Mummyoflittledragon it's so bizarre- and I suspect you're right, I've been discarded (again) as I haven't done or responded in the way he wanted. Maybe he was checking to see if I'd caved for an abortion or miscarried?

As I said at the time the email was odd. I responded politely with a scan picture and letting him know baby is a boy. He asked a few questions about baby's health which I answered and was able to tell him the NT results were low he said it was great news. He then commented that baby looked like him from the scan. That was the extent of the conversation.

Why apologise and ask after baby's health to then block me everywhere a week later?

I know I wasn't going to contact him but I just feel like it's set me back as I feel the same as after the 12 week scan- it just feels like he's completely erased our child from his life...

I need to accept it's a lost cause and I am doing well so far, I haven't chased him, begged him to be involved etc. but privately it hurts, I'm not made of steel and I'm human. It feels awful for me and my son to be treated this way.

I've blocked him everywhere I return and anyone I can think of that's associated with him so no friends or relatives can try and do his bidding.

OP posts: