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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my ex to scan...?

211 replies

tess3023 · 29/09/2022 14:28

Gender scan coming up next week. Ex was initially excited about pregnancy, however decided after coming to the 12 week scan to pressure me into an abortion, say the pregnancy was a mistake... and left it as he "wasn't sure" if he wanted any involvement.

It's now been weeks and I haven't heard from him. He knows how to contact me and where I live of course. I haven't made any effort to contact him either though as I think I should be from him...

AIBU to not notify him of or invite him to the gender scan?

Part of my feels guilty to deprive him of the opportunity to come and find out babies sex, the other part of me says I should take him at his word that he's "not sure" and that if he did want to be involved he would contact me?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2022 07:23

I can imagine he may have (1) contacted you because his mum wanted him to and/or (2) blocked you because his current gf wanted him to. Either one may have been watching over his shoulder at the time! Or he may just be the kind of person who blows hot and cold. Not the sort of person to make a great co-parent in any case.

Original poster
tess3023 · 13/10/2022 07:43

I doubt it would be his mum as he told me after the 12 week scan that all his family now "hate" me and are "angry" at me for keeping this baby against his wishes.

Probably more likely a new love interest, blocking me everywhere so a new person couldn't see or so he can pretend we don't exist. Sounds about right doesn't it.

.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/10/2022 08:15

tess3023 · 13/10/2022 07:43

I doubt it would be his mum as he told me after the 12 week scan that all his family now "hate" me and are "angry" at me for keeping this baby against his wishes.

Probably more likely a new love interest, blocking me everywhere so a new person couldn't see or so he can pretend we don't exist. Sounds about right doesn't it.

.

You know this is almost certainly a lie? About his family hating you. Is it possible they don't even know? And likely they'd be horrified by his response.

georgarina · 13/10/2022 08:44

GabriellaMontez · 13/10/2022 08:15

You know this is almost certainly a lie? About his family hating you. Is it possible they don't even know? And likely they'd be horrified by his response.

Show quote history

Yeah my ex also told me the same - that everyone 'hated' me for 'what I'd done' and I was on my own now etc. It wasn't true, he was just trying to make me feel vulnerable and in the wrong and isolated.

Original poster
tess3023 · 13/10/2022 10:12

His family know, always got along with them while we were together and spent a fair bit of time with them.

When me and ex were still together we had an early scan at 6 weeks and I had the scan pictures on my phone and sent them to his mum as he asked me to.

They probably don't know how he's acting now, no. He's probably told them some bullshit story, and he could be saying those things to make me feel isolated.

At the same time he is a bit of a "golden" boy to them and I think if he decided he had changed his mind about the baby they would fully back him up...

OP posts:
georgarina · 13/10/2022 10:16

They probably don't know how he's acting now, no. He's probably told them some bullshit story, and he could be saying those things to make me feel isolated.

In that case I might not block his family (unless you DGAF what he told them) because he could easily say you just blocked everyone and have blocked him out (rather than him blocking you). But obviously if you just don't want to deal with any of them that's totally valid.

Inertia · 13/10/2022 10:29

The small mercy is that him blocking you means that you can’t feel guilty about how much information you share- he doesn’t want any.

Sounds like he is trying to erase all sign of you and the baby from his public persona, because he knows he will look like an absolute shit to an outside world who can see that he abandoned his pregnant partner. Mutual friends and acquaintances will see his behaviour for what it is.

Bear in mind he may also be trying to avoid paying CMS contributions. Put the claim in as early as you can. He doesn’t get to wriggle out by claiming he wanted you to have an abortion- he opened himself up to the risk of pregnancy when he had sex with you.

You need to stop considering this man’s feelings in any way, and start prioritising what’s best for the baby. During the pregnancy, share your medical appointments and labour /birth with people who will support you. Don’t invite him to the birth, he has no rights to be there and won’t help you.

Don’t invite him to add his name to the birth certificate- if he wants PR he can prove it by going through the required processes. Don’t give the baby his name.

Rights around parental contact belong to the child, not the father, so if he insists on contact once the baby is born this needs to be arranged in a way that protects the child’s well-being.

Original poster
tess3023 · 13/10/2022 11:11

The parents are quite well-to-do people and one of the things he said to me after was that they couldn't understand why I would continue with the pregnancy anymore given we aren't together and he doesn't want it... not sure how true this is but I know they are quite traditional!

I can't imagine anyone normal saying that though and if it were my son, brother or friend I would have something to say!

I'm not going to have an abortion when I'm over 12 weeks pregnant with a PLANNED baby just because a feckless man has decided he's changed his mind?!?

And yes I suppose he's done me a favour by blocking as I never have to question now whether or not I am doing the right thing.

Still bloody hurts though.

OP posts:
Worthyornot · 13/10/2022 12:01

Stop chasing him to be a father. He knows where to find you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are doing this for your child, it will never be in their interest to force someone to be in their lives when they didn't want them in the first place. Go on as you have been and even if he has a change of mind, let him prove his commitment first.

Original poster
tess3023 · 13/10/2022 12:18

@Worthyornot have you read the thread? I haven't chased him at all... I was asking if I should invite him as I'd never been in this situation at all and didn't know what the right thing to do was.

If you read everything that's happened, he continues to reach out and make contact with me, only to change his mind. I'm certainly NOT chasing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 27/10/2022 18:33

Just updating again as I find it good to get it out.

After the last update (him blocking me everywhere for no reason out of the blue)- I've today had an email from his work email address.
I have blocked him everywhere and his normal email but have never corresponded with him on the work one so didn't know it to block.

He's basically said "sorry" again for his actions and that he wants to meet for coffee to move forward and explain himself. Said the "situation" is causing his parents stress and making his mum unwell... said he doesn't want to have to go a legal route but will if he "has" to.

Has asked about baby at all. Not a single mention of baby. All about him.

AIBU to ignore and block this email address as well?

I've been reasonable the whole way through and haven't done anything wrong. I know legally he can't do anything until baby is born so I just need to ignore that bullsh*t threat right?

Thanks x

OP posts:
SpookyPanda · 27/10/2022 18:55

Yes just block

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 27/10/2022 19:02

Completely ignore him. He is a terrible human being, well beyond just immature. To actively try for 5 months to get you pregnant and then behave like this is verging on insanity. Tell him nothing, dont name him on the birth certificate, claim child maintenance.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/10/2022 19:31

Yes block.. he doesn't get to block you then use another email when it suits.

Just curious did you block him on other emails ?

Original poster
tess3023 · 27/10/2022 19:38

@Starlightstarbright1 yes I blocked him on every method of communication we had, only after I found he had blocked me.
I didn't want him to be able to unblock me and do exactly this when it suits him, he keeps doing the same over and over.

I will definitely just ignore him.

The whole situation makes me mad. He's just shown again how self-cantered he is.

OP posts:
Chuckles19 · 27/10/2022 19:57

You say you are not bothered either way if he comes or not to the scan.

If this is the case, I would suggest letting him know the details of the appointment via text, out of courtesy- even though he hasn’t been courteous to you. I know it’s hard.

If he doesn’t attend, just let him know the date of the next appt again when it comes round. No need to get into conversation, just give the details.

At at least you know you have given him opportunity incase he has a change of heart. If you hear nothing after the birth then I would consider dropping all contact.

I know I would be the same as you and want my conscience to be clear, that I had tried to keep the lines of communication open.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/10/2022 20:16

Chuckles19 · 27/10/2022 19:57

You say you are not bothered either way if he comes or not to the scan.

If this is the case, I would suggest letting him know the details of the appointment via text, out of courtesy- even though he hasn’t been courteous to you. I know it’s hard.

If he doesn’t attend, just let him know the date of the next appt again when it comes round. No need to get into conversation, just give the details.

At at least you know you have given him opportunity incase he has a change of heart. If you hear nothing after the birth then I would consider dropping all contact.

I know I would be the same as you and want my conscience to be clear, that I had tried to keep the lines of communication open.

Did you not read he blocked her completely.

It is all game play.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2022 20:47

tess3023 · 27/10/2022 18:33

Just updating again as I find it good to get it out.

After the last update (him blocking me everywhere for no reason out of the blue)- I've today had an email from his work email address.
I have blocked him everywhere and his normal email but have never corresponded with him on the work one so didn't know it to block.

He's basically said "sorry" again for his actions and that he wants to meet for coffee to move forward and explain himself. Said the "situation" is causing his parents stress and making his mum unwell... said he doesn't want to have to go a legal route but will if he "has" to.

Has asked about baby at all. Not a single mention of baby. All about him.

AIBU to ignore and block this email address as well?

I've been reasonable the whole way through and haven't done anything wrong. I know legally he can't do anything until baby is born so I just need to ignore that bullsh*t threat right?

Thanks x

That sounds as if he's perfectly capable of airbrushing you out of his life, but as a mummy's boy he jumps to her command. Making her unwell? She could have contacted you to ask about her future grandson, surely? (No, because she's as shit as the shit she raised.)

What possible stress could they be under? Did they slip up and tell their friends that Golden Boy was going to your 12-week scan - and now their friends regularly ask how Golden Boy's partner's pregnancy is going, how is she, getting big I expect ha ha ... And they find they've painted themselves into a corner, unable to admit Golden Boy has left his girlfriend after she failed to abort on his command. Glorious!

Yep, ignore his missive, block that email address too. I'm imagining his peeved expression when he found that your'd blocked him in return. What a tosser! Keep a copy of the email, but I very much doubt he's doing anything more than blowing hot air. He walked at 12 weeks, I don't fancy his chances if he did "take the legal route". It's an empty threat. A bit like his empty heart.

Original poster
tess3023 · 28/10/2022 20:47

Yep- blocks me for no reason (I'd not contacted him at all or given him any reason to do so).

Then contacts me to vaguely say sorry and also vaguely threaten me with legal action?

He's a complete knob. I'm not responding but the situation still upsets me.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2022 20:51

tess3023 · 28/10/2022 20:47

Yep- blocks me for no reason (I'd not contacted him at all or given him any reason to do so).

Then contacts me to vaguely say sorry and also vaguely threaten me with legal action?

He's a complete knob. I'm not responding but the situation still upsets me.

I'd wonder if, in his imagination, you're heartbroken at him blocking you, and spend your days sending text after email after Whatsapp just waiting - waiting and HOPING - that today, please God, he's unblocked you. Take satisfaction from that, and the fact that you've not tried to contact him once., the deluded fool that he is.

Original poster
tess3023 · 28/10/2022 20:52

@WhereYouLeftIt he also mentioned in the email that his parents have asked I don't contact them about the pregnancy directly... I haven't contacted them at all other than him asking me to send a scan picture when we were still together.

So with that as well as the this is making his Mum unwell comments he's alluding to them still being "angry" at me about the pregnancy.

I suspect it's because it all "looks bad" on the outside that he/his family are unhappy with.

OP posts:
Original poster
tess3023 · 28/10/2022 20:54

@WhereYouLeftIt I think you may be right as he has a massive ego it seems. I don't think I react in the way he wants.
I believe he blocked me as after his "apology" after the 12 week scan debacle he expected me to just accept this and fawn after him however I didn't.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2022 22:26

You really should not feel concern for his mother, who he claims to be ill… not sure If this is even true but definitely not your responsibility. If she cared one iota for you and seeing as you contacted her directly previously, she could have reached out to you herself. You’ve definitely done the right thing by ignoring and blocking him. All he did was attempt to apportion blame to you and use veiled threats of legal action. What action could he take whilst you’re pregnant anyway?

allboysherebutme · 29/10/2022 15:08

I wouldn't bother with him, if he's not interested that's his loss. X

allboysherebutme · 29/10/2022 15:09

He could also be lying about his parents not being interested. X