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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t make me coffee?! AIBU?

208 replies

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 09:55

DH had a small operation on Wednesday to sort out his groin hernia which means that I have been doing everything (and I mean everything!) around the house. I have to look after my two DS (17 & 12), two dogs, I work part time but it just feels like there’s a never ending amount of shit to deal with. Literally from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I’m having to look after, what feels like, three children as well as working and keeping the house running. The doctor told him to get up and walk around and not just sit there all day so he managed a small dog walk with DS1 yesterday (which he had to use crutches for 🙄). I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug. I asked him to just make it and I’ll get it and he said that he couldn’t lift the kettle long enough to make two and if I’m getting up to get it, I might as well make my own! On his operation leaflet it says ‘no heavy lifting for at least 2 weeks’. Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug! I’m so tempted to just stop cooking his food and being his nursemaid if he’s going to be that petty about it. He is just being a big fucking baby, after all, I was doing things around the house after I’d given birth and had enough stitches to make a replica of the Bayeux tapestry!
AIBU to just want a coffee made for me when I’m doing everything around the house to support his recovery?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 18:30

adriftabroad · 27/09/2022 12:03

I must have an abnormal parenting style (plus empathy for DHs recovering from an operation!)

Maybe DDs are different. I have seen the result of teens not getting attention/love/supervision at 12, 14 etc.

17 year old, not so much...

I get the impression in OPs home it is her way or the highway.

Are you suggesting that I don’t love my DC and neglect them or I love them too much and mollycoddle them? It’s quite unclear 🤔

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 27/09/2022 18:42

How about handing them a mop and bucket and parenting them properly? Then you won’t be so tired and fed up

Itsacafe · 27/09/2022 18:47

Don't worry OP, my teens do no housework either. School is more important at this stage.

AuldReekie1905 · 27/09/2022 18:59

I think I would've laughed out loud at his pathetic he sounded. He can only lift one mug??? Didn't realise the mugs in your house weighed 10 stone.

AuldReekie1905 · 27/09/2022 18:59

How pathetic*

SleepingAgent · 27/09/2022 19:12

Icedlatteplease · 27/09/2022 10:02

I'm sorry I disagree

He's recovering from an operation and your expecting him to make you coffee?I'd have hopped up and made his as soon as I heard him go for the kettle but I'm nice like that

That's not being "nice" that's being a mug <pun intended> he's been told to move, not sit all day so he can bloody well make a coffee and one for OP too!

okytdvhuoo · 27/09/2022 19:24

Discovereads · 27/09/2022 16:03

He is six days in from a very minor issue, if he is still expecting to be waited on of course that is a feminist issue.

to be fair, recovery & weight lifting/activity restriction is 2-3 weeks for groin hernia surgery in men and involves pain, tugging, aches, swelling and pulling when moving about. It’s not major surgery, but it’s not “very minor” either.

Yup. I’ve said elsewhere on the thread – my sister had the same surgery and also had to restrict lifting to a bare minimum for several weeks.

She started doing ‘light’ stuff earlier than she was advised, put herself under strain and needs to go back for revision surgery.

I don’t see where the OP says he expects to be waited on – just that he didn’t make 2 coffees? He made his own, he didn’t expect OP to do it.

The post from 25 is all over the place. There’d be no way of knowing it was a response to what @Icedlatteplease wrote

Etinoxaurus · 27/09/2022 19:28

It’s sounds like quite a drama llama household tbh.

You’re not doing your ds’ any favours or their future partners.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/09/2022 20:04

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 18:30

Are you suggesting that I don’t love my DC and neglect them or I love them too much and mollycoddle them? It’s quite unclear 🤔

Show quote history

Mollycoddling isn’t loving too much. It’s not setting them up for real life.

saraclara · 27/09/2022 21:16

Men will use any excuse to do nothing.

Yes, that sounds sexist, it is sexist... But it bears out to be true Every. Damn. Time.

Imagine if on a forum for fathers, someone made an equivalent post generalising about women "..true Every. Damn. Time"

And no, it isn't true every Damn time. Many of us have partners who parent equally and share domestic tasks equally. So let's not generalise so vehemently about either sex.

Icedlatteplease · 27/09/2022 21:39

Given if I'm ill I'd expect the same treatment from anyone else in the house in the situation was reversed I'm not sure how that makes me a mug.

I do however firmly believe there's power in being nice and people should be able take time to mend without people calling them lazy

sophiajannie · 28/09/2022 08:37

Same here, Even my husband is on my case big time about quitting caffeine. I've always had either one small can of caffeinated drink (80mg caffeine) every morning, ever since I was 7. That's all I need to be productive, awake, and focused each day. I sleep fine and have never had issues with caffeine.

But my husband is trying to forbid me from coffee. When I ask why he can't give a coherent reason. He just says it's not healthy. I searched a lot and read these kinds of articles, So now he says I'm not allowed to have caffeine on Sundays, and that in a few weeks, no coffee on weekends, and then never again.

TheOrigRights · 28/09/2022 08:41

sophiajannie · 28/09/2022 08:37

Same here, Even my husband is on my case big time about quitting caffeine. I've always had either one small can of caffeinated drink (80mg caffeine) every morning, ever since I was 7. That's all I need to be productive, awake, and focused each day. I sleep fine and have never had issues with caffeine.

But my husband is trying to forbid me from coffee. When I ask why he can't give a coherent reason. He just says it's not healthy. I searched a lot and read these kinds of articles, So now he says I'm not allowed to have caffeine on Sundays, and that in a few weeks, no coffee on weekends, and then never again.

Is he your husband or your jailer?

BusyMum47 · 28/09/2022 08:44

@Mysonisugly Your husband is taking the piss! Can't make a coffee? What a selfish dick! I'd have ended up pretty much telling him that, at the time!!

FirewomanSam · 28/09/2022 08:50

Getting my DSs to do chores freaks me out and I usually end up redoing things because they haven’t done it ‘properly’, saying that, my 12 year old does put the Hoover round when he gets home from school but apart from that, the boys doing other chores that I don’t trust them with, ends up making more work for me.

Please try to work on this. My mum was like this and I went to uni thinking that I was useless and couldn’t do anything right. Then I started cooking for myself and discovered I was actually quite good at it, when I didn’t have my mum standing over my shoulder going ‘no, not like that… that’s too much… oh give it here I’ll just do it myself’.

If they’re not doing it right then you need to help them learn and equip them for adult life, not just do everything for them yourself. I know that’s easier said than done when you have OCD but it could be something to work on with some CBT maybe?

Cherchezlaspice · 28/09/2022 09:19

sophiajannie · 28/09/2022 08:37

Same here, Even my husband is on my case big time about quitting caffeine. I've always had either one small can of caffeinated drink (80mg caffeine) every morning, ever since I was 7. That's all I need to be productive, awake, and focused each day. I sleep fine and have never had issues with caffeine.

But my husband is trying to forbid me from coffee. When I ask why he can't give a coherent reason. He just says it's not healthy. I searched a lot and read these kinds of articles, So now he says I'm not allowed to have caffeine on Sundays, and that in a few weeks, no coffee on weekends, and then never again.

Are you in a Handmaid’s Tale? You know that your husband doesn’t get to ‘forbid’ you to do anything, right? Your marriage sounds frightening.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 10:02

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/09/2022 18:27

It’s entirely true! Not nasty 😂

Show quote history

How is a prediction entirely true?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/09/2022 10:06

Someone’s husband is trying to forbid them coffee? Fuck that!

I mean I did give up coffee due to gastro issues (and the price of a coffee out of the house!) but I still drink plenty of tea. No one would stop me doing that!

AuldReekie1905 · 28/09/2022 11:55

saraclara · 27/09/2022 21:16

Men will use any excuse to do nothing.

Yes, that sounds sexist, it is sexist... But it bears out to be true Every. Damn. Time.

Imagine if on a forum for fathers, someone made an equivalent post generalising about women "..true Every. Damn. Time"

And no, it isn't true every Damn time. Many of us have partners who parent equally and share domestic tasks equally. So let's not generalise so vehemently about either sex.

I actually pity women who have this opinion. No, men are not like this every damn time. And if they truly believe that, then they have been with some awful men.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2022 12:39

sophiajannie · 28/09/2022 08:37

Same here, Even my husband is on my case big time about quitting caffeine. I've always had either one small can of caffeinated drink (80mg caffeine) every morning, ever since I was 7. That's all I need to be productive, awake, and focused each day. I sleep fine and have never had issues with caffeine.

But my husband is trying to forbid me from coffee. When I ask why he can't give a coherent reason. He just says it's not healthy. I searched a lot and read these kinds of articles, So now he says I'm not allowed to have caffeine on Sundays, and that in a few weeks, no coffee on weekends, and then never again.

Is your husband controlling and abusive in other ways to @sophiajannie ?

BuzzingFridge · 28/09/2022 16:28

OP admits that her OH does a huge amount, works MORE than full time and does a lot of house jobs
Where she works part time.....The kids are pretty old now

Look after your man whilst he is ill! He normally breaks his back for you and your kids and this is the way he is repaid when he is unwell

Show him a bit of support. You seem to just want him for what he can do for you....and when he cannot provide that, you have a tantrum

gamerchick · 28/09/2022 17:19

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:03

I should clarify that DS1 works part time and is at college full time - 3 days of the week he doesn’t finish until 6pm and I think it’s unfair to ask him to do too much when he’s really busy with his studies.

Show quote history

You and your bloke are doing your son's a disservice not installing house running stuff in them before they leave home. They're not babies, think of your future Dils. 17 yr olds don't need their arses wiped.

Calandor · 28/09/2022 19:51

I get it. But the kids can walk the dog after school. And they can help with chores too.

sophiajannie · 29/09/2022 07:18

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2022 12:39

Is your husband controlling and abusive in other ways to @sophiajannie ?

Show quote history

No, not in other ways. But he's so much against caffeine. Of course, I love him but I cannot get rid of coffee either.

paintitallover · 29/09/2022 09:19

My neighbour is having a hernia op very soon and he has been very firmly told he can lift nothing at all afterwards.