Husband won’t make me coffee?! AIBU?

[Mysonisugly]

DH had a small operation on Wednesday to sort out his groin hernia which means that I have been doing everything (and I mean everything!) around the house. I have to look after my two DS (17 & 12), two dogs, I work part time but it just feels like there’s a never ending amount of shit to deal with. Literally from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I’m having to look after, what feels like, three children as well as working and keeping the house running. The doctor told him to get up and walk around and not just sit there all day so he managed a small dog walk with DS1 yesterday (which he had to use crutches for 🙄). I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug. I asked him to just make it and I’ll get it and he said that he couldn’t lift the kettle long enough to make two and if I’m getting up to get it, I might as well make my own! On his operation leaflet it says ‘no heavy lifting for at least 2 weeks’. Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug! I’m so tempted to just stop cooking his food and being his nursemaid if he’s going to be that petty about it. He is just being a big fucking baby, after all, I was doing things around the house after I’d given birth and had enough stitches to make a replica of the Bayeux tapestry!
AIBU to just want a coffee made for me when I’m doing everything around the house to support his recovery?

Yes, if he's been able to go for dog walk (crutches or not) and make a cup of coffee for himself, he can make one for you. He's being an idiot.

Did the hospital give him crutches? I only ask because my dad and brother have both had hernia ops and neither of them got given crutches so I was just wondering if this was standard.

Jeez! After my op, no heavy lifting for six weeks I filled the kettle with a large mug twice, boiled just enough for the two mugs. DH kept a small jug of milk half full so I could make us both a drink.

I am from INDIA.
YOU LOOK RESPONSIBLE and HARD WORKING. Have some more PATIENCE. If your Partner is RESPONSIBLE and DISCIPLINED about his Family when he is normal, then Excuse him and make your own coffee. Coffee is a matter of 5 minutes. Make your Children do some works when they are free like Pets works, Dad Works etc.

NOTE : THE LESS WE EXPECT FROM PARTNERS, THE MORE WE WILL BE HAPPY.

I do not agree with the OP on anything.
Her DH needs a break.

I was very ill once (hospital) and as soon as home, all sorts of these sorts of "menial" tasks were set for me by STBXH. Constantly, when all I needed was rest.

But, I do agree on 12 and 17 year olds need a lot of parenting. It is emotionally draining and a lot of care is needed with them. To say otherwise is silly. (But I am a lone parent) You do not suddenly get out of primary years and think "oh, that is it then"

Men will use any excuse to do nothing.

Yes, that sounds sexist, it is sexist... But it bears out to be true Every. Damn. Time.

They'll use hobbies to avoid family stuff. They'll use work to avoid house work. They'll use illnesses to avoid getting up. They'll use TV to avoid talking. So on and so on.

Stop. Just stop. He's an adult, a grown human. If he didn't have you there, how would he cope? He'd have to cope, he'd have to wash his clothes, cook his meals, make his own coffee. He's not incapable, just unwilling because he has a serf to do things for him.

Do you want to be a serf and he the lord?

YANB entirely U. I don't see why your husband couldn't have made two coffees when he was making one for himself. Though if he is unstable/weak enough to need crutches on a short walk he may not be able to carry two coffees at a time. And he should be able to do paperwork etc. He does sound like he might be exaggerating a bit and milking it all rather...

On the other hand, I don't think you should be rolling your eyes at him needing crutches for walk. Maybe he does need them? And a 12 and 17 year old shouldn't need that much looking after and you only work part-time so life really shouldn't be that much of a drama! Just keep things (meals etc) simple for a bit until he is more active.

My dh had a hernia op when we had a small baby. He needed a few days rest but once he’d recovered from the anaesthetic he definitely made me tea if he was having one! It’s not like he’s had open heart surgery, jeez!

He's being ridiculous. He could carry one mug at a time.

After the op, he will have stitches and the wound will be secure. This is a fairly minor op often, done under a local. (My brother had it done.)

Also, you have one child who is almost an adult. What are they doing to help?

Are you bringing them up to think that Mum does it all?

Saying your child gets home at 4.30 and has stuff to do is also ridiculous. How is that preparing him for work, or uni?

In good old MN speak, give your head a wobble and stop being a martyr.

My teens get home late, 6.30/7pm most nights. They are still expected to empty the dishwasher, pop on the quick wash for a sports kit and sometimes choose to cook for themselves. They are expected to feed all pets. Every night, a variation of the above. As well as prepare for the next day and complete homework.

The fact you are using your OCD to prevent your teens from developing normally, learning to pitch in and work together as a family is very worrying (ultimately they are becoming just like their father) You are giving them the life lesson that women do everything, nothing is expected of the poor tired men.

Jesus christ. I genuinely thought we all knew this - it is the 21st century.

I think in this case if he really isn't an entitled dick most of the time, I would baby him like he wants. But I'd make a joke out of it and I'd also make it clear that I expect the favour returned at some point when I feel like being an indulged princess baby who's too weak to lift a kettle.

In some ways it's normal to want some coddling; I could forgive this if you're allowed to make fun of it and if he can accept that you too might want to be coddled sometime. But if he didn't even run around taking care of you after you gave birth, then I suspect there's not much hope for him. Sorry, OP.

You lost me at looking after 12 and 17 year old DC. Mine are 8 and 10 and apart from me nagging for different things are pretty self sufficient

I would be withdrawing my nurse maid services forthwith.

He sees this minor operation as an excuse for a week of pampering and maid service/room service at your expense. He can make his own dinner, and sort himself out from today. Stop indulging him.

Yeah that's properly taking the piss but echo others in that your 12 & 17 year olds should be helping with the load around that house not adding to it.

Great to hear - I'll give the car keys to my 12 year old and tell her to drive herself and horsebox to her riding lesson this evening. That's 4 hours of my evening back 😂

Look, your OCD is making a rod for your own back and for the partners which your sons may have eventually.

You need to let go a bit and accept a job done to less than perfection.

If you don't your sons will go out into the world seeing chores as 'wimmins work' and soon their partners will be on here saying they are lazy and AIBU to expect them to help?

And I don't get the crutches. Abdo muscles need to be used to become strong. Hobbling along with a crutch will not help.

Can lift up to 3 kg and walk for max 20 minutes at a time. Can walk up to 4 times a day.
I tell my patients to get up every 20 minutes and wander around the house, make a cup of tea or coffee, to prevent blood clots.
DCs should be helping so they can developed as adults.

But he's a man so no heavy lifting means he should be getting a hand from the OP to lift his penis when he needs a wee.

Yanbu op what a baby.

NOTE : THE LESS WE EXPECT FROM PARTNERS, THE MORE WE WILL BE HAPPY.

Sorry but that is the most horrendous life motto I have ever heard. I hope I've raised my children with higher exceptions and greater value on themselves and their time

To be fair if it's a sports direct mug he's probably at his weight limit

And I don't get the crutches. Abdo muscles need to be used to become strong. Hobbling along with a crutch will not help.

I'd say a strong possibility they'd make it worse. Most people aren't very good at using crutches

He’s a drama queen.

You’re a martyr.

You’ve both raised lazy and entitled children.

Hope this helps.

Sorry but I disagree OP.

Your 'children' really need little looking after at those ages.

You work part time hours.... and Your normally hard working OH, is off his feet recovering from an operation

Stop with the dramatics over a cup of coffee....

He is not off work to be your assistant. He is recovering.

NOTE : THE LESS WE EXPECT FROM PARTNERS, THE MORE WE WILL BE HAPPY.

Bloody Hell @WellWisher40Plus

It might be how you did it in INDIA (as you say) but it aint how we do it here.

Sorry but that is the most horrendous life motto I have ever heard. I hope I've raised my children with higher exceptions and greater value on themselves and their time

But the comment is advising against self depreciation no?

Comment clearly means that if you except nothing then you'll never be disappointed. It isn't meant to be aspirational, it's a caution against complacency