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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t make me coffee?! AIBU?

208 replies

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 09:55

DH had a small operation on Wednesday to sort out his groin hernia which means that I have been doing everything (and I mean everything!) around the house. I have to look after my two DS (17 & 12), two dogs, I work part time but it just feels like there’s a never ending amount of shit to deal with. Literally from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I’m having to look after, what feels like, three children as well as working and keeping the house running. The doctor told him to get up and walk around and not just sit there all day so he managed a small dog walk with DS1 yesterday (which he had to use crutches for 🙄). I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug. I asked him to just make it and I’ll get it and he said that he couldn’t lift the kettle long enough to make two and if I’m getting up to get it, I might as well make my own! On his operation leaflet it says ‘no heavy lifting for at least 2 weeks’. Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug! I’m so tempted to just stop cooking his food and being his nursemaid if he’s going to be that petty about it. He is just being a big fucking baby, after all, I was doing things around the house after I’d given birth and had enough stitches to make a replica of the Bayeux tapestry!
AIBU to just want a coffee made for me when I’m doing everything around the house to support his recovery?

OP posts:
ancienthouse · 27/09/2022 11:29

I am your husband in this scenario I guess. I have debilitating morning sickness, been off work and stuck in bed most of the last 5 weeks. I've done nothing. My DH is working full time, looking after a 3yo, cooking all meals and doing everything around the house.

But if I was well enough to go and make a cup of tea for myself I'd also make one for DH.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2022 11:41

OneTC · 27/09/2022 11:27

Comment clearly means that if you except nothing then you'll never be disappointed. It isn't meant to be aspirational, it's a caution against complacency

Show quote history

Sure but in a partner surely we should expect something back, otherwise we'd all be better off just staying single and doing everything ourselves. Having a partner should mean just that, a partner otherwise I'm out!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/09/2022 11:41

Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug!

He's taking YOU for the mug.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 27/09/2022 11:45

Your DP is being a lazy dickhead. Your OP is really funny! Hope things have improved!

Orangello · 27/09/2022 11:48

You're raising 2 men who will expect their future partners to do everything for them. And you know, there are not that many young women willing to be mummies for their partners nowadays. Finishing 4.30 or 6 for a young fit person is nowhere near extreme.Of course they can do their fair share around the house - but you don't even expect them to look after themselves? Stop that before it's too late.

mountainsunsets · 27/09/2022 11:49

Actually having read the whole thread, I think it's okay that he maybe wants to be pampered a bit.

That's not to say he shouldn't have made the coffee, but considering he normally works more than full-time hours and does his share of the housework while OP only works part-time, I think it's understandable that he maybe wants to take advantage of having some time off.

NCFT0922 · 27/09/2022 11:49

You both sound very dramatic. How hard is “looking after” a 17 year old, 12 year old and life admin?

Bananarama21 · 27/09/2022 11:50

Tbh I have a 14 year old a 9 year old and a 6 year old with autism and I work part time afternoons through to the evening. I don't think your set up sounds particularly hard a 12 year old and 17 are pretty independent and should be helping. I suspect there's properly fault on both sides here.

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2022 11:51

My teens leave at 7 get back at 7 and still do chores, cook supper etc. I'm not their fucking maid. I work 12 hour days as does DH. I WFH but they've got all their limbs. No one likes clearing up but it still needs doing.

adriftabroad · 27/09/2022 11:52

I really do not see how 12 year olds are independant but anyway...

okytdvhuoo · 27/09/2022 11:53

YABU my sister had the same surgery recently and struggled to move for a while. She was totally wiped out and needed help. She returned to light tasks earlier than she should have done and now needs to go back in for revision surgery as the internal stitches ruptured.

You obviously think he’s exaggerating and assume he’s just being awkward and babyish, but have you considered the possibility that he’s not?

LemonPledge555 · 27/09/2022 11:54

My uncle just had open heart surgery and was told nothing heavier than a kettle. Granted a bit different but your DH is absolutely milking it. My DH had the same surgery this year and he was up and about for a walk 2 days later and making dinner 7 days on as I had to work. He needs to wid. His neck in. Does he have for for dramatics/laziness?!

Orangello · 27/09/2022 11:55

I really do not see how 12 year olds are independant but anyway...

That they might need to be driven to an activity is one thing, but a 12-year old does not need constant supervision and is normally able to get dressed and make themselves a sandwich, no?

MumCanIDoThat · 27/09/2022 11:55

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 10:08

You're both being drama queens, honestly.

This in spades. You clearly are raising 2 mummy's boys.

HikingforScenery · 27/09/2022 11:58

Yabu. Complaining about the work you’ve to do when it’s a choice.
Both DSs can pull their weight.
You’re being unfair on the future partners by not helping them to become more independent and help around the house.

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 11:58

Ugh my elderly neighbour had a similar operation and told me the doctor had told him the pain was worse than childbirth.

I asked whether the doctor was male or female.

I'll leave you to guess the answer.

mountainsunsets · 27/09/2022 11:59

adriftabroad · 27/09/2022 11:52

I really do not see how 12 year olds are independant but anyway...

Nobody's saying they can drive themselves to the pub, but your average 12yo can be left alone for most of a day, they can cook a meal, do laundry and walk the dog without input or supervision from a parent.

They certainly don't need someone hovering over them while they do homework or wash dishes!

adriftabroad · 27/09/2022 12:03

I must have an abnormal parenting style (plus empathy for DHs recovering from an operation!)

Maybe DDs are different. I have seen the result of teens not getting attention/love/supervision at 12, 14 etc.

17 year old, not so much...

I get the impression in OPs home it is her way or the highway.

adriftabroad · 27/09/2022 12:04

... and I cannot drive and if I could, I would not drive a 12 year old to the pub 😂

JackieWeaversSister · 27/09/2022 12:08

NOTE : THE LESS WE EXPECT FROM PARTNERS, THE MORE WE WILL BE HAPPY.

Comment clearly means that if you except nothing then you'll never be disappointed. It isn't meant to be aspirational, it's a caution against complacency

@OneTC No, of course it's not.
it's saying set low expectations and you will get them [and therefore you won't be disappointed because you set the bar low in the first place.]

You need to read the rest of her post for context.

JackieWeaversSister · 27/09/2022 12:10

. I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug.

Unless it's very personal admin for you OP, why can't he do it?

He had surgery on his abdo, not his hands.

You really are a matryr.

Orangello · 27/09/2022 12:12

Maybe DDs are different.
Yes, because they have been expected to help and do chores from early age, while many parents treat their sons very differently.

I have seen the result of teens not getting attention/love/supervision at 12, 14 etc. Have you seen the results of teens not being prepared for independent life but being waited on their hand and foot? Not as much fun. If a NT 12-yo needs significant levels of 'looking after' then might be time to re-assess.

CalmdownCampers · 27/09/2022 12:16

Orangello · 27/09/2022 11:48

You're raising 2 men who will expect their future partners to do everything for them. And you know, there are not that many young women willing to be mummies for their partners nowadays. Finishing 4.30 or 6 for a young fit person is nowhere near extreme.Of course they can do their fair share around the house - but you don't even expect them to look after themselves? Stop that before it's too late.

How do you work that out? The OH has been off his feet recuperating from an operation, since last Weds, that is less than a week - and let's not discount what the op has said here:-

'I must add that my DH isn’t normally a lazy person. He works full time, in fact, more hours than full time, and when he gets home he does help around the house a lot if there’s stuff that needs doing'

I find your post ludicrous at best. What the OP is doing is showing their future partners that when they eventually get in to a relationship it is a partnership - and when someone is off their feet - the other one rallies to help.

deedledeedledum · 27/09/2022 12:17

Oh dear God no. Has he always thought so little of you?

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/09/2022 12:17

He’s being a drama queen and you’re being a martyr. All those excuses for your kids (one an adult) not to help, and you work only part time. You all sound as bad as each other.

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