Husband won’t make me coffee?! AIBU?

[Mysonisugly]

DH had a small operation on Wednesday to sort out his groin hernia which means that I have been doing everything (and I mean everything!) around the house. I have to look after my two DS (17 & 12), two dogs, I work part time but it just feels like there’s a never ending amount of shit to deal with. Literally from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I’m having to look after, what feels like, three children as well as working and keeping the house running. The doctor told him to get up and walk around and not just sit there all day so he managed a small dog walk with DS1 yesterday (which he had to use crutches for 🙄). I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug. I asked him to just make it and I’ll get it and he said that he couldn’t lift the kettle long enough to make two and if I’m getting up to get it, I might as well make my own! On his operation leaflet it says ‘no heavy lifting for at least 2 weeks’. Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug! I’m so tempted to just stop cooking his food and being his nursemaid if he’s going to be that petty about it. He is just being a big fucking baby, after all, I was doing things around the house after I’d given birth and had enough stitches to make a replica of the Bayeux tapestry!
AIBU to just want a coffee made for me when I’m doing everything around the house to support his recovery?

I am also shocked by the OPs user name. Your house doesn't sound happy and your boys won't thank you for the way you behave now when they are adults. let go of the reins and go full time. Outsource cleaning and encourage your sons to help. Get them cooking even if it doesn't reach your standards. You will have a better relationship with them as adults if you encourage independence and team work now.

This! Thank you ☺️

You need to get you OCD dealt with through therapy etc instead of letting it impinge upon the normal development of your sons. They need to learn to look after a house and do basic kitchen stuff. What happens when they move out alone and haven't got a clue how to look after themselves? Or God forbid get married.

I've just noticed the username too.

Grim.

I asked my 17 year old what my username should be and he said mysonisugly because he thought it was funny 🤣
Sorry if you’ve taken offence but if you heard some of the other suggestions he said, you’d see why I went with that one 🤣

Ah. One of those threads where the OP only takes note of the comments that supports her narrative.

The most annoying threads of all.

Your DH definitely should have made you a coffee, the rest of the issues are within your gift to resolve.
But I see you don't want to

In case you missed it…

I asked my 17 year old what my username should be and he said mysonisugly because he thought it was funny 🤣
Sorry if you’ve taken offence but if you heard some of the other suggestions he said, you’d see why I went with that one 🤣

I’ll tell him you said it’s ‘grim’, I’m sure he’ll be very upset 🤣🤣🤣

After my operation I wasn't supposed to lift a kettle with more than one cup of water in it.

...of course, being a woman, I just got on with it.

being a mere man with a groin hernia it'll probably be New Year before he can manage! 🙇🏻‍♀️ Be interesting to see how his pint lifting develops!

but @Mysonisugly your user name combined with your thread seems a little, I don't know.. goady?!

He sounds like a twat. Stop martyring yourself- 12yr olds and 17 yr olds need nothing doing for them except dinner and a proverbial kick in the arse.

I'm afraid I think it's unfair TO him to not be pitching in!

Nobody 'just knows' how to run a house. We all have to be taught what to do, when, and how, in order to have a decent place to stay. At 17, it's not too long until he'll be moving out and running his own place. He needs to know how. And that will only come with the repeated practice of doing the jobs and learning from someone who already is doing it.

Unless you really want your son to be unprepared for adult life, you need to start teaching / delegating stuff to him.

Ridiculous. Your issues are undermining your teenagers confidence & independence and you are not allowing them to learn valuable life skills. My much younger child can hoover his room, wash dishes, wipe over the bathroom after using etc etc. Give the dc a list of chores they can cross off and let them get on with it.

No, you need to read her previous posts though.

Bit weird to ask your son what your user name should be TBH and then use it no matter what. Can’t you think for yourself? Not trying to be mean, it’s just… odd

I think it was unreasonable of your husband not to just make an extra cup of coffee though. And agree with others that your sons need to be given some responsibility - otherwise your OCD will impact them and their future relationships

He is absolutely BU and should definitely have made you a coffee too. That’s just ridiculous as he was standing right there. Making someone a hot drink is a sort of code for loving and caring for them, I think.

But why are doing everything if your sons are 17 and 12? Have they learnt laziness from him?

I do agree with this. Your elder son may be at work / college but you work too: why isn’t it unfair to ask you to do much, by that token? Does he at least pay any rent? At the bare minimum, ds1 shouldn’t be causing you extra work, same with your husband. But I think he should also be chipping in with some housework etc.

Your younger son should also be doing some things around the house. My 13 yo at least clears the dishwasher and puts their own clothes away / does their own ironing. And brings the milk in as they leave earlier in the mornings. Even my 8 yo has to tidy up after themselves, help put shopping away, take bits to the bins etc.

Sorry I am with your DH. He has had an operation. And I dont think your sons will need a lot of looking after at their age. Tell them to help out.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous than being unable to make 2 coffees instead of 1! It's cruel : (

I agree your sons can be doing loads round the house - cooking dinners etc. especially the 17 year old!
Think of something you'd love to do for yourself this week and do it. Take an afternoon off work if you can. Leave them to it for a few hours - they will be absolutely fine.

You need to get you OCD dealt with through therapy etc instead of letting it impinge upon the normal development of your sons. They need to learn to look after a house and do basic kitchen stuff. What happens when they move out alone and haven't got a clue how to look after themselves? Or God forbid get married.

yeah, this.

They can make 1 coffee but not 2? Really?

Came on to say give the guy a break and then read the kettle bit and I think no one would judge you unfavourably if you left him

Cooking, laundry, possibly lifts when necessary - that kind of thing?

OK, you have OCD and that is a problem - for you. But if you continue to doing everything, you are making it a problem for your sons. Seriously.

If you need to redo it "because they haven’t done it ‘properly’", so be it. They still need to learn how to look after themselves, and you are doing a gross disservice to them if you don't give them the tools to do that. They need to know! They need to know what needs doing, when, how often, how to do it; and they need to practice those skills so that they become automatic. PLEASE stop doing everything as a way of managing your OCD. They need to learn, for them.

And yes - your husband should have made you a coffee.

I would imagine there is more going on than we have been told. The OP admits her husband usually does loads. He may be feeling poorly, he may feel resentful that so much is expected of him, to be the bread winner and work long hours and do a lot of housework while his sons are not allowed to help because their mother says she has OCD.
If the OP were to model kindness to her family, she may well find that everyone responds in a positive way and it becomes a happier home.

Of course it is
It prepares him for life